I Left Uptown for Where?!

Pin This

2012-01-21T09:53:00.002-06:00

I just spent 20 minutes on the phone with Vicky trying to figure out my new Pinterest account..
son of a -
"Wait! Wait! Why is Marth Smith showing up 50 times on my board? She's a high school classmate..wait a minute..just a minute..that's Sally from work..no..no! This is Facebook! Stop! Stop!"
Dear Pinterest:
You had me at Pin. I was so enthralled by your gorgeous coordinating outfits, DIY crafts that even a baffoon like me could tackle with a tuna can and llama hair, and those photos of organized closets? OOOHHHH I couldn't wait... I checked my e-mail every five minutes waiting for my e-vite.. I was going to pin pin pin..deep into the night while my children and husband slept.
But then... you dashed my dreams with your stupid link to Facebook. You pin-prick.
Don't you know who I am Pinterest?
I am one of the 26 people in the United States who refuses to become part of the "social networking age" because I will NOT learn that Aunt Gladys has passed away suddenly from my Blackberry Inbox..I will NOT get status updates from people I just left in the office..I will NOT be sucked into extra anxiety wondering if I should post more pictures with my status, less pictures with my status, change my pictures with my status..what are people thinking of my pictures and my status?
You almost had me Pinterest, but alas, I quit you before I even got started. Oh..you would have even helped me with quitting dammit! You would have been there with your cutesy saying for my new hand-made fridge magnet made out of old tuna cans, melted crayons and llama hair that would have kept me going: "Quit and You're Just a Big Fat Quitery Quiter" Oh! Whoever made that up is soooo brilliant..pin it!!!
But no...Goodbye to you. Clever and Cool Pintrest, that I don't even spell right..Phooey!
So..hello Google!
I am sure you have heard of it. Sometimes you can find a few bits of information there.
I don't know.
I guess it remains to be seen.
I know nothing can replace your corky quirky pin board.
But I guess I will just have to try.
I'll be in Big Fat Mournery Mourning for awhile..
Sincerely,
Unpinned and Almost 40

What I Know

2012-01-07T09:00:00.000-06:00

I know a lot about divorce.
Wow, now that is really something to add to the resume! Are you going to put that before or after you talk about never missing an episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta!
Solid!
Just hear me out.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately because most of my life, 33 years of it has been influenced by divorce.
Directly.
What's bothering me lately is that if someone hasn't had their parents leave each other, or signed the "final" papers, or watched a boyfriend/husband argue with the ex on the phone about the time with kids, I don't know...I'm not sure that anyone can really get what divorce is all about. It's gut wrenching, life-changing, and okay...liberating sometimes. But mostly it just really sucks.
Everyone comes out of a break up differently. Some of us heal quickly. Some of us take years. Some of us may never ever get over what happened to us.
But until you have experienced it for yourself, it really isn't for anyone else to judge.
We all heal differently: loudly, quietly, or here's all your shit on your sister's lawn I am moving in with my brother, just wait until I meet my best wife. (Oh sorry I got carried away for a minute....)
Even though it's very easy to want to make decisions for people because we think we can because we think we know best. We can't.
Ooooh..this is hard. Look, I solve the world's problems every day. Believe me, if everyone would just listen to me, it would be a whole lot easier.
But, uh, that doesn't seem to be happening.
So probably I do NOT know best in every situation.
What I am learning is that old dogs do not necessarily learn new tricks.
Young dogs don't necessarily care to either.
Until they are ready.
And some dogs may never be ready. And that isn't for me to judge.
So I guess when I am thinking about people going through difficult times, I am learning that it's their right to handle things the way that they want. It's not my place to decide for them how to grieve or judge if it's right or wrong.
I do think it's my place to hold their hand if they need me to, and let them know I will always be there to love them.
Maybe give them a good pat or a treat. You know, something like that.
I still wouldn't put it on a resume.
I wasn't going to! Sheesh...so hard on me subconscious..

2012 Here We Go!

2012-01-01T16:25:00.001-06:00

Maren Vada is 18 months and she gave new meaning to "And to All A Good Night" this Christmas Eve. She has decided that sleeping through the night isn't so much fun, and so we are back to our late night rendezvous together. The thought of even trying to put together a Christmas letter this year sent me into waves of anxiety because there is no way that I could lie that much to people I truly care about: "Nothing to worry about at the Williams' house! We have got it allll under control! Everything is working great! Nope not ONE appliance has conked out! NOPE! Not the refrigerator or the snow blower..heh heh.. We are reallly great! What is debt anyway? Who has that? NOT US! Don't even worry about it! Maren? Oh not a problem! Throat? PERFECT! No doctor's visits here! And sleeping?? LIKE A BABY! Every night! Sleep deprivation? What is that? We don't have it! Heh heh! That doesn't affect us ONE bit!..."
I mean you can see..it just would have been fake as shit..and there is one thing I cannot stand...bullshit.
Look, I am going to be 40..and that is probably my mantra: Look, I am going to be 40...so everyone should just get used to hearing it, sorry.
But when people bullshit...ooooh that bugs me. And so when those Christmas letters come and they are filled with a bunch of well, bullshit..I have a hard time.
Now I have to say that one of my girlfriends from high school does send a great one. She talks about her kids and their funny things and their milestones..and barely mentions she and her husband..and I really like that. Because there isn't room for bullshit. It's just plain and simple about the children. Super. Great. I do not need to hear about adults and their "year". That is weird. And boring. Tell me about your kids and move along. The fact that you are now a black belt in karate at 37 or have fulfilled your life long dream of becoming certified as an International Artisan bread maker is just not that interesting and frankly, it sounds like bragging. Update your status on Facebook and get over yourself.
Okay, so that's off my chest.

Ahh..Christmas..It truly was our best Christmas ever, even in light of the fact that we had very little sleep (thank you Maren! I loved my present!! ) because Keegan was sooo into the season. He was all about Santa and the presents, of course, and Rudolph, and yes, even baby Jesus. It was such a magical time to watch him so excited for every single little thing that happened. I think the most impressive act of his life could be waiting for three hours on Christmas morning to open presents while his sister snoozed happily after her "up all night" escapades. What kid has patience like that? Since that day, though, he has exhibited almost NO patience and so I think he used it all up and now we're in for it for the rest of his childhood. Oh well. You can't win 'em all, as Will reminds me frequently.

And probably the best part of our break has been spending so much time home as a family. As long as Will and I got out by ourselves each day, we really did great!

"Are you still at the shoe store? You've been gone for three hours!"

"Oh yeah. I uh, I am coming home right now. I couldn't decide."

"Well, did you buy any Will?"

"Nooo...but, uh, they were really understocked."

Do NOT compare the amount of time he has been gone to your time yesterday at Target. Do not compare the amount of time he has been gone....

So it's worked out beautifully and we even had a romantic New Year's Eve dinner ALONE..AT A RESTAURANT.. a real date. It was fabulous.

Except for the dude one table away who clearly had "Listen To Me" issues and talked at the top of his lungs thus allowing me into his whole conversation about his ex-wife and the custody of his child and the large sum of money he was clearly trying to get out of the people he was having dinner with....

"Are you even paying attention to me?"

"WILL!! He is so loud! But shh! He's just at the part about asking for the big bucks!"

But in the end it was a wonderful night, Maren slept.....until 4 am..grrrr...and all is well that starts well in 2012 for the little family who could.

Or couldn't, depending on the day.

I am not going to bullshit you.

I am almost 40.

Happy New Year!

Pre-Wedding Nothings..

2011-10-22T11:39:00.000-05:00

The moles have made their way into Ernesto's yard. When do they dig?
At night probably.
Well that's perfect because by the time they make their way up to his patio, they'll see that Ernesto is up and "two shall become one" as the saying goes.
Really it's a match made in heaven.
Maren has been napping since 9:45 am and I love it because I got to shower, shave my armpits ANDD pack the car. Now there is nothing left to do..except wait for her to wake up. So I am having a pre-wedding glass of wine (very very tinnny) and blogging.
Here comes Keegan.
Wait. It's the cat.
Much more high maintenance than my son.
When did the cat become such a loud walker?
Work weddings are always a little bit stressful.
I don't mind if it's Will's work because if I get drunk and say something ridiculous, I don't have to see those people for at least another year.
If I get drunk and say something ridiculous at this wedding, I have to see these people in 48 hours. And believe you, me. Word spreads like wildfire in a middle school. Middle school teachers are as bad as middle school kids. "Did you hear what Melissa said to the groom's great-aunt??? She THOUGHT she was Phyllis Diller! She wouldn't stop asking for her autograph!"
Sigh.
Thankfully two of my very best pals will be there and one of them is EXTREMELY level headed. She will have no problem telling me I am being an ass and dragging me off to the:
bathroom
dance floor
hotel room
parking lot
jail
She is just that great of a friend.
Actually I have set my sights very very neutral and usually when I do that, things turn out pretty well.
I also did not purchase anything new to wear, so I have nothing to be excited about..well..
Except my good looking husband (wink wink)
So I expect us to have a very low key, "stay in the wings" kind of a time.
I say this now.
You know just for affirmation purposes.
Sigh.....
Stay tuned.
You know something always happens when the Williams' go out..
"Is that Phyllis Diller???"

Show Me the Money!

2011-10-20T09:47:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite movies is Jerry Maguire.
For various reasons.
Fish.
Flipping out.
Ants.
I've pretty much lived that life except for the high profile sports agent thing, right?
Whatever.
Anyway, I feel like Rod Tidwell today after balancing the checking account.
"SHOW ME THE MONEY!"
Where is all of our money?
Is there a little sneaky money elf at USAA who goes into our account and steals dollars away?
Where are my dollars?
Why am I working harder than I have ever worked in my life and I am making LESS than ever?
Oh it's called dependent care, insurance, AHEM dues (I will PAY those, it's only a matter of time until I'll need help again, believe me) annnnddddd taxes.
Sigh.
Then of course there is no raise. Ever. Probably for the rest of my existence as a teacher.
Unless I pay for it by going back to school.
Which will just mean that I have MORE bills to pay because I will have MORE school loans.
We will be paying Maren's school loans and ours at the same time.
I kid you not.
My favorite book is Walk Two Moons and the main character Salamanca, realizes something at the end of the novel.
She says, "I realize that I am jealous of..."
I do not like to be a jealous person. I think jealousy is a really wasted emotion. I try very very hard not to be that.
Sometimes I am, though.
When I was pregnant and felt huge and my friend R- came into the school office in a really cute little red dress with her super cute thin legs, looking all cute and thin..I was kind of jealous.
When I see my friends' new big houses I feel kind of jealous.
Sometimes I feel that other people don't have to worry about finances so much and I do.
I am jealous of that. And then I realize that just like when I was jealous of the cute little red dress, it passes.
Everyone has times when they wish for things and can't have them.
Life goes on. Things get better. Babies are born! Which is a whole heap of "worth-it" for NOT fitting into something small at the time. Bills get paid. Okay of course in our case, there are MORE bills, but it makes me appreciate the simple things.
And I know how to make 15 things with ground beef..and only ONE of them is meat loaf!
Jealousy is not a fun emotion so I just try not to feel it for long. Instead I try to feel hopeful and glad for what people have: cute, thin legs or pretty houses that they have worked hard to buy.
I try to be hopeful that things will get better in the financial department. Hopeful about our future and thankful that we have what we do. I have Will and Maren and Keegan. They make me laugh. They make me feel loved. They eat my meat loaf!
Somehow that seems to send jealousy packing.

I Wonder...

2011-10-19T09:55:00.043-05:00

I just saw my husband with a wheelbarrow, a bucket, and a hose, going around the side of the house.

I just saw my husband coming back with a wheelbarrow full of water and a bucket full of Koi.

Great. The fish are moving into the garage for the winter.

I just heard Will swear.

I just went into the garage.
There is water all over the garage floor.
I am going back into the house.
I just saw Will going back around the house with the bucket full of Koi.

Car is gone.

Car is back.

He is going around the house again with a wheelbarrow full of water.

There goes the bucket full of fish.

I think I just heard more swearing.
Is that water in the garage?

What day is it?

The car is gone again.

The fish are back in the pond.

Car is back.
I just went into the garage.
There are two by fours and chicken wire.
CHICKEN WIRE???!!!

"Do you want to see what I'm doing with the fish?"

I wonder if I have ever done anything in our marriage that has compared to this...
Once I tried to use his razor on my nether regions and I was in the bathroom for an awfully long time because I slipped up...
Sometimes, I try on old clothes to see if they're still passable for "fashionable" in the storage closet under the stairs...and once I got stuck in an old shirt because it was an XXS...
But I have never really had a project...come to think of it...
Does he do this on purpose just to get out of stuff like cleaning up Maren eating spaghetti or bath time or cleaning the cat box?
Hmmmm...
Are the Koi really a PLOY? Is this in the Husband Handbook to Survival??
To be continued...

Tales Of a 39 Grade Nothing...

2011-10-12T08:26:00.001-05:00

Back in Fourth Grade I had a best friend named Jennifer O., and everyday from 10:00 to about 12:30 she would ignore me. I mean just outright meanly IGNORE me. EVERY DAY. So everyday, I would get a HORRIBLE stomachache, and my teacher would have to take me to the bathroom, and then to the nurse, and it was just one big fiasco because I couldn't tell Mrs. Watson that my stomach ache was all because my best friend was "shunning" me, and I didn't have the nuts to tell her to knock it off.
The truth was that Jennifer was a bully and she got a kick out of making me feel miserable.
What a shithead.
Looking back at her fourth grade picture, she may have been wrestling with some "identity" issues, if you catch my drift, but did she really need to take it out on me?
Luckily, we moved away after that year, I never saw her again, she probably figured everything out, is happy with her new penis, and I never found myself in that situation again because I learned my lesson and got tough.
No I didn't.
You know me better than that.
Jennifer was just the beginning.
Through the years I have had several Jennifer's in my life. TOO MANY Jennifers.
Some were friends, some were relationships. Looooonng relationships. Relationships that I had to be removed from kicking and screaming...
I really knew how to pick 'em.
Sigh.
In the past few years though. I am just too tired, too fed up and too busy to have my life screwed up anymore than it is by people's meanness. And that is the truth.
Call it what you want: wisdom, age, maturity, or what I like to think of as, "I am not putting up with that kind of b.s-ness" if I am going to know you", but somehow I have developed some skills that I did not have earlier in life.
Will has helped tremendously with this. I credit him a lot for my strength. He is just a very confident, put together person. I also credit making a small strong circle of "seasoned" women friends who focus on important values: love, truth, peace, strength, and humor.
Look, no one is perfect.
Let's look back at last week's foibles, shall we?
I eff up sometimes.
However, I will also be the first to admit that I get on the horn, and I call for help.
Even if that horn costs $150.00 an hour (sigh) or I need to do some very intense devotional reading and quiet prayer work for awhile.
We are not perfect human beings, but if something is bugging us so much that it is hurting those around us, then it's time to start fixing it.
I continue to work on those issues, I have watched my friends work on those issues, and I am proud to say I have watched my husband do that, too.
Everyone comes out better for it.
It's not easy, but it's the right thing to do.

Questions From Keegan Answers From Momma and Dad

2011-10-09T21:07:00.000-05:00

"Why doesn't Anakin ever toot in the Clone Wars?"

"Where was I when Maren was made?"

"Did you buy her at the hospital?"

"Mom, why do you have whiskers on your pee-pee?"

"Why don't we have mermaids in our neighborhood?"

a. Jedi's don't toot.
b. Dad's answer: You were with Grandma Linda (?????)
Mom's answer: I am pretty sure you were sleeping......but it could have been that weekend no never mind, you were sleeping.........
c. No, we just got her there. They were out of the ones who sleep through the night...sigh...
d. Because I haven't had a real bikini wax in a year, thanks Keegan and once again, the bathroom door isn't locked, thus just another example of not letting your Mom have even two minutes alone to pee...AND IT's NOT a PEE-PEE it's a VAGINA.."What's a BAGINA?" Oh NEVER MIND!!!
e. They all moved away because of Ernesto....

There's A Slight Problem...

2011-10-08T13:27:00.001-05:00

The Rachel Green line from Friends that I should probably just have tattoed on my ass would be:

"...I really thought I hit rock bottom today. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, then fifty feet of crap, then me."

because over the past 7 days, I don't know that I could have done more cluster f*cked things.
I don't.
Shall we re-cap?
Oh why not?
Stormed out of IEP, announcing that not only was I a DAMN good teacher, "lady" but I hadn't had a raise in six years.
Not sure how those two things are related, but boy did that leave a mark.
Child no longer in classroom.
Note to you: feel free to try if wanting high profile child out of classroom.
Managed to lose four more pounds thus causing husband to use the phrase "anorexic" in conversation..as in "You are starting to look anorexic."
This is not a compliment you want from your husband.
Have now been called by name at the local pharmacy as am making weekly trips to pick up antibiotics for both children thus making me feel like one of those neuschwanstein mothers who seeks attention by having sick children.
Am sure that is not the correct term, but am too tired to look it up.
Text my "former" friend, because she will be now, and asked her if she was Jewish.
Yes, I did.
!!!!!??????
Mean to ask, someone. Just not her.
Because in my head, I was thinking about faith and things we had talked about that day and I was wondering things, and sure as shit...
No filter on my text finger.
Thank God, I am not on Facebook.
I would text her to apologize, but she is probably at Temple as we speak, so I will try later.
?????!!!!!!
Called therapist to make an appointment, rambling on about my week, and not sleeping for three weeks and my "behavior".
Therapist called back and said perhaps we should start to meet on a "regular" basis for awhile.
!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ya think?
Here's the deal.
Completely over the edge.
Hmmm...No. Not there yet.
Sleep deprived and stressed.
Yeeeeeeesss.
Recognizing my issues and wanting to fix them so I don't start asking my brother if he's Kurdish?
Yeeeeeeesss.
That is all I can do.
I am so hard on myself all the time. All the time.
I push myself to limits that are not fair: clean house, dinners prepared, perfectly behaved classroom, perfectly behaved babies, perfect relationship with husband, perfectly behaved me. Don't say too much. Don't say too little. Perfect perfect. I am NOT. I am NOT.
How did I forget?
Because I was too busy trying to fix everything.
Again.
So guess what?
Still learning.
Still growing.
Still trying.
And the nicest thing right now is that I am just going to give myself a break.
I don't really have a choice.
And I'm going to pray that the people who really love me will just hang in there with me.
I am betting a few will.
As long as I stay away from texting for awhile...

Here's An Idea!

2011-09-14T21:01:00.000-05:00

I just saw a teaser for a new sitcom called Up All Night.
Good Lord.
Some brainiac has written a comedy show for NBC all about parent's suffering through the "hilarious" ups and downs of their babies not sleeping through the night.
In the words of Rachel Green: "That is just spit on your neck, kick you in the crotch, fantastic."

You effing morons.
And pardon my french. But I am a little incensed that I have been LIVING this for the last 15 months and now some swanky Hollywood actor is going to make a few mill and probably get an Emmy nomination out of it.
COME LIVE THE REALITY.
Then we'll talk.

Okay. I am sorry. That wasn't very nice.
But I did not take the Lord's name in vain, so I am thinking I am off the hook, in God's eyes right now, right? I once read that even Amy Grant uses the eff word once in a while, and look, before Vince Gill, I didn't think she could be anymore Christian.
Okay I am getting off the topic.

Keegan had one and a half days of preschool. And when I picked him up from daycare today he was a mess. He threw his backpack at me, burst into tears and cried all the way home. When I finally got him into the house, he laid on the couch and sobbed: "I've had a long day!"
What I love about my son is that he does not mess around when it comes to his feelings.
He just gets it out there.
I pray he will be like this when he is a grown man because whoever he marries is going to be luuuuucky! What dude tells you what they're feeling?
Wouldn't you just ONCE love to have your husband throw himself on the couch bawling: "I HAD A LONG DAY!"
I am not saying every night.
I just mean once.
So after the bawl fest, and some heavy consoling by his 14 month old sister and I, he fell asleep.
At 4:45.
Sigh.
Apparently we need to readjust our schedules for preschool.
We cannot be taking naps at 4:45.
Although give it a few years and someone will come up with a hilariously funny new sitcom.............................

The Sounds of Silence

2011-08-30T06:59:00.000-05:00

It is 6:47 am and Maren just fell back to sleep.
When she is 16, I am going to remind her of this. Wait. I hear her. She is barking. She must be reading the Doggies book I put in her bed. Okay. This is still better than screaming. I will take barking right now.
My new classroom has more cupboard space than the kitchen in my house. I am starting to wonder as I look around this morning if maybe I can move some dishes that I don't use very often. It would really free up some space here at home...If anyone asks, I could just say they belong to the theater department.
We don't have a theater department.
If anyone asks I could say I don't know how they got there. Maybe their the previous teacher's. That might keep them searching for a while. I don't think anyone has seen her since the room swap. Sigh...
In any case, I have time for one cup of silence.
Oh! I just heard a meow!
That's the kitty book....

How To Win Enemies and Influence Strangers

2011-08-29T17:18:00.000-05:00

Maren is back to her old tricks just in time for the new school year!
She will sleep for six hours and then she's wide awake...screaming. The only way she'll fall back to sleep is if she is sleeping..................with me.
Go ahead. Start judging. I know you want to. I am breaking every parenting law there is. But people, I haven't slept through the night in 14 months. If you have been in my shoes then I think you have a right to say something, otherwise, shut your cake holes, and turn out the light, so I can get some sleep. I am exhausted.
Maren has an excrutiating scream. It sounds like someone is torturing her. I cannot take it. I simply can't. I cannot be Ferberized, so it is out of the question.
If sleeping with me works right now, then that's what we'll do.
This is another phase I need to get through.
So is the beginning of the school year. It's another phase. Coming back to school is always difficult. It means a transition, and transitions are hard. It's the end of one routine and the beginning of another. Once I'm sufficiently into the routine it's fine, but easing in can be difficult.
Today was no exception.
I think I caught people by surprise, and that isn't very fun. If it's not a fun surprise.
I know that I haven't done anything wrong. On the contrary, the whole situation was out of my control, and really pretty awful. But it still was just another example of a test. God sure seems to like to test me lately.
Sigh.
At the end of the day I can be thankful for my precious babies, Will, my friends, and a God who loves me no matter what.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll be able to feel the breeze through the windows. That's a blessing.
Now if we can just work on the sleep thing... Maren Vada!!

Why?

2011-08-20T10:31:00.000-05:00

My girlfriend G- is getting married today. Keegan knows her as Auntie G-, and he really really loves her because she drives a school bus in the summer, and I am pretty sure he thinks she OWNS it.
The other day we were driving home from daycare, and I like to tell him a couple of days ahead of time when he's having a babysitter. This gives him some time to figure out how many treats he can get out of her, and what outfit he's going to wear. He is in love with his babysitter. I don't blame him, she's gorgeous, and I am going to sob the day she graduates.
A fantastic babysitter is priceless.
"Momma and Daddy are going to Auntie G's wedding on Saturday so Sarah will be here."
"Who is she marrying."
"She's marrying S-."
"Is that a girl?"
"Yes, S- is a girl. You met her once when Maren was born. She's very pretty with blonde hair in a pony tail and-"
"Mom! There's our sidewalk! That's where we bike!"
And that was it.
We were done with the Auntie G- is getting married conversation.
And see I wanted to brake the car right on the busy road and scream and cry and yell and jump up and down and stomp and hug my boy and then scream and cry and stomp and yell some more.
Because I was ready with a whoooooole long list of why's for him.
I was ready with Auntie G- is in love and we want her to love the best person. And sometimes girls marry girls and sometimes boys marry boys. And sometimes boys marry girls. And to us, it doesn't matter because we just want the best people to get married.
And on and on and on and on...
And NONE..NONE of it did I have to explain to him.
He just ACCEPTED my simple answer and moved on to other things.
Why? WhY? WHY???? Can't ADULTS DO THIS?
We make this world so complicated with our questions and our reasoning and our prying and our stupid stupid judgments and ohhh yes, our power plays.
Why can't adults just accept an answer, a reason, a DIAGNOSIS?
Why?
I am struggling with this.
But amidst it all, I have my beautiful son with his pure heart who just wants to ride his bike and play legos and drink juice boxes and loves his Auntie G- because well, because it's cool she drives a school bus, and he could care less who she's marrying as long as he knows her name.
Thank you Lord for those reminders of what's really important. No matter what happens, I know the why's in my life, and they are acceptable and right. Even if there are people out there who are still making things more complicated than they need to, I don't need to.

Just a Blog

2011-08-15T21:41:00.001-05:00

Well, we have moles.
I guess it's better than crabs. Ahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahaha.
Gross. Sorry. I really want my mom to read this blog.
Will bought mole traps this weekend and planted them in the backyard. They give off these really high frequencies that are supposed to hurt the moles' ears and send them "digging" wayyyy away from our house.
I hope they dig right into Ernesto's bedroom.
Anyway, it got me thinking.
Some night I am going to wake up, and there is going to be this low dull sound of ESPN in my ear..droning on and on and it's going to make me want to dig a hole that goes far far away from here....
and then I am going to know that Will has bought a wife trap.
Dammit.
But two can play that game.
Wait until he hears Real Housewives reallllllllly quiet..
Oh I am kidding.
I love you Will.
Keegan is officially signed up for fall soccer.
And this had better be the BEST soccer he will ever be a part of..in fact, I am expecting David Beckham to show up at the rate we paid for him to participate.. Good heavens!!! He is four years old, and I could have bought that dress for Maren at the price we had to pay for this kid to kick a soccer ball the wrong way for six weeks.
Sigh.
I am excited because he will get to play with one of his little friends and my good friend is even coaching the team which is going to be AWESOME! I plan on calling her "Coach" all season and asking her really complicated "soccery" questions all the time.
"So are you playing a zone man to man, one on one defense tonight, or are you going to go with the ol' three on two, pop the lock, sink 'er in offense?" What did I just say????
Ohhhh...it's going to be GREAT!
In other embarrassing news, I am completely hooked on this obscure author, Dorothy Eden. All of her books are pretty much out of print. There are like three at the public library, so I just bought TEN of them on EBay for $13.00. She wrote most of her books in the early 1970's jusssst about the time I was born. The print is miniscule, and I am blind as a bat as it is, so after reading Melbury Place (sooooo Gothically and WOOOONDERFUL) I am now probably offically blind. But whooo cares??? I have ten more lovely Englishy Gothic reads to go and they all smell old, musty and who knows what library they came from? But I am thrilled thrilled thrilled!!! with my find.
Okay so I am off to bed.
Me, my old book, and hopefully noooo wife trap.

Six Degrees of Shopping

2011-08-11T08:08:00.001-05:00

Maren is walking all the way across the room! Oh she is so precious!
She walks right to her brother!
We all sound like we're calling a puppy: "Come here Maren! That's a good girl! Come here Maren!"
The look on her face is pure joy!
Maren is the type of toddler who will be a lot happier in her body when she can run and talk.
She just wants to be able to do what the big kids do.
Maren will NOT be getting a tattoo or riding off on the back of some dudes Harley when she is 16 just because the "big kids" are doing it, however.
We will have limits.
Yesterday I went into my favorite high end dress store. It was like 6 degrees of separation because JUST the day before a lady had purchased a dress to wear to Kim Kardashian's wedding!!! I mean that is almost like I'm going myself!!!
Anyway, I was talking with the sales gal while I perused the racks and we both agreed the lady had bought the wrong dress. Yes, I just have THAT much fashion sense, don't I?
Never mind.
Anyway, and here's the best part, we kept talking and blah blah and my best comment was: "You know I love Kim too, but you have to admit she's just a tiinnny bit trashy."
Now this is all fine and well, just an opinion mind you, but look, it came out of my mouth: the mouth with a HUGE cold sore right now.
If THAT isn't the trash calling the trash trash. Take your herpes and go shopping somewhere else.
So I did. Right down the row to this GORGEOUS baby store where I found the most heavenly dress for Maren. I mean it WAS PERFECT. Perfect for I am not sure what, but PERFECT.
Retail Price: $95.00
What in THE hell? (As my mother would say.)
$95.00 for a baby's dress?
Have you lost your mind?
I buy almost all of Maren's clothes second hand. And I fell in love with a $95.00 dress.
Then it came to me: what if I just waited in the store until someone bought the next size up. Then I followed this person out to their car and said: "Hi, I noticed you bought that darling dress I just love love love. Would you mind telling me your address and when you plan to have a garage sale to sell it? Here's my phone number too. Let's keep in touch!"
There would be nothing wrong with that! I am sure people who purchase $95.00 items for their daughters re-sell them at bargain prices. I bet their housekeepers LIVE for the yearly garage sale!
Well no one else came into the store and I started to get hungry so I had to scrap the idea, but I am thinking about going back......
Okay Will is back and the coffee is done.
It's round 2 of painting.
I am going to say a quick prayer that it goes as well, and we are off!

2011-08-09T11:12:00.000-05:00

"I have a favor to ask you."
Crap.
Whenever Will has a "favor to ask me" right before he leaves for work it means that I have something big to do: go to Menards, re-roof the house, trim trees, get rid of the cats.
I just know it's going to be something huge and "manly" or unpleasant. Ugh.
"Can I take the new car to work today?"
What?? No!
"What?! No! Wait. Are you bringing it back?"
"I will bring it back."
"Then okay, today. Because I don't really need to go anywhere."
"That's really loving of you."
You know when Will got his car, I don't think I drove it for a year. In fact, I am pretty sure he hid the keys every time he came home...how is this fair?
"I just found these old running shorts. How do they look?"
"Good you should wear them more."
"I used to wear them all the time in Panama around the gardener..ahahahahahha!"
Door slam.
Door open.
"I am taking the car all week."
Why do I think I am funny. Why?

I now believe more than ever that our marriage is rock solid.
We painted Keegan's bedroom this morning.
We didn't bicker one bit.
Well, we didn't really talk.
And it's a really pretty blue. Keegan will love it!
I think it's great if you have a marriage where you NEVER bicker.
However, this is not the blog for you.
This is probably also not the blog for you if your children never whine, never make you tired, or never make you a little nuts.
Go away.
Or stop pretending.
Or at least don't tell me about it. Ahahahahhaha.
I am feeling very anxious about school starting.
I am excited for our kids. We have some real loves coming into our class.
We also have some challenges, but we ask for those.
The kids don't make me anxious. The adults do.
Five years of ick is a lot to fix in one summer. I am doing the best I can. I think I am a lot better now than when I left. But I am still having to deal with things that I wish I didn't, and that's when I just have to do a lot of praying and giving it up to God.
I don't have the power to change things on my own. Wait. Stop. I don't have the power to change things. There.
So going back into that building is difficult for me.
However, I HAVE been going back a lot.
Every time I do something good happens.
Nothing big. Little things.
So I know that God is helping me to see that minute by minute I can make it.
Remember why you're there Melissa.
Live it!
I have had a lot harder obstacles than this before. Way way worse.
If nothing else: When God Closes a Window, He Opens A Sunroof
As long as Will isn't driving it....
Why did I have to think I was funny?
Why?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Always Something

2011-08-08T18:44:00.000-05:00

"So there might be a slight problem with the new car."
"What? What slight problem?"
"Well I don't know, but I might have to buy the old one and then Toyota might have to buy the old one from me because Mazda isn't recognizing that we want to buy out our lease earl-"...........................whah whah Charlie Brown voice not listening, not hearing you because I don't understand the words you are saying now... I am not giving the new car back if that is what you are starting to tell me..........
Who gives new cars back?
Drug dealers.
Car stealers.
Ernesto.
This is God telling me not to covet material possessions. This is a lesson.
Why are MY lessons always so hard?
Oh thank you that I did NOT post status: Got a sweet new ride! on Facebook.
Think of all the thumbs up! I would have had!!
Ugh.
How would I have explained??!! to ALLLL those thumbs ups??!!
Who knows about our new car?
5 people tops.
Who reads this blog?
No one.
Thank you Lord.
Maybe it's not that bad.
Okay. Deep breath.
Just called Will.
"I am not giving the car back. They will have to find me first."
Good that doesn't sound like a criminal. Nope. Not at all.

Status Update

2011-08-08T07:43:00.000-05:00

"Why do you look like that?"
"Like what?"
"All tight-lipped?"
"I'm not."
"You are. You're tight-lipped. You look like your mom when John wanted to drive her new car. THAT'S IT! You're mad because I'm driving your new car!"
"Well I could have driven."
"Melissa, I'm not Dan."
Dan and Kayla, that wasn't her name, but I never called her by the right name the whole time we lived by them, were our neighbors when we lived in America's Best Kept Secret. Never ONCE when they drove together did she let him drive!
We found out they got a divorce.
Fishy.
Will bought me a new car. I love it. And I am not posting it on Facebook.
Which brings me to my decision. I am quitting Facebook. I cannot stand the anxiety of it anymore.
A little piece of me is sad because I really like seeing what the people from high school are up to. Most of me is relieved because I hardly ever see their posts and most of it is just people I work with and this causes me undue stress and worry.
Should I have said that in my status?
What are they thinking now?
Are they messaging each other now?
I don't really know that person well enough to say that.
I'm waiting for thumbs up!!! Thumb up me!! Thumb up me for my stupid status remark!!
Shit. Maybe I should erase that status and try something cooler!!!!
UGH. I DO NOT CARE one iota what that person is doing. I just saw them alllll dayyyyyy longgggg.
It is too much for me.
So I am quitting. I know who I love. I know who loves me, and they can call, text, write, e-mail or send smoke signals of their trials and tribulations. I will be excited to know in any form or fashion other than a "status" update.
Done.

This week was the second annual Williams' Family Goes to Jellystone Trip and Melissa Wonders Why the Grandparents Don't Take the Children Overnight So The Parents of Williams' Children Can Have a Night to Themselves.
Do not get me wrong. I love my children with my whole soul and I love to see each new exciting phase.
This year on our trip, Keegan could go down the water slides all by himself!
We could sit and watch him and clap and cheer our heads off!
Parents of 4 years plus children could do this all day long with a beer in their hand. I was not jealous. Don't think I was jealous. Did I say I was jealous of the people who got to relax on their vacation?
IF you are lucky enough to have children UNDER TWO...it's just a WHOOOOOLE different vacation because the toddler who is just PRECIOUS in her little swimmy suit and hat wants to crawl then walk a few steps then crawl then splash then crawl then sit then walk then plop..then crawl EVERYWHERE in the zero depth pool. So while one parent can sit and cheer..the other parent is bent over at the waist on toddler patrol. This is fun and cute and wonderful for about half an hour.
Which is exactly how fun and cute and wonderful it is for the toddler.
My back is fine by the way, honestly. Knees too. Cushy that zero depth bottom. Cushy. Oh. Ass? Fine. Didn't scrape it once scooting along catching up with her. Little boys splashing me? None. Perfect. Really. I'm serious. It was fiiiine.

Look, it is what it is. I understand that. It is more fun than it was last year when Maren was two months old and could only be outside for about 20 minutes at a time. I really enjoyed our cabin last year. It has cable.
Did I mention the lazy river. I forgot didn't I?
You can ride a tube in this really slow river. And they let you have beer. Some people were in there all day while their kids were on the water slide.
Bastards.

Seriously though. I have this image in my head of our second night. Maren was asleep in her pack n play. (Thank you Lord. Thank you for giving me the wisdom to listen to my mother to keep her up later and to feed her cereal before bed.) And Keegan had bought his official Jellystone souvenir. No, he didn't want a t-shirt, well what kid wants a t-shirt anyway? He wanted a glow stick. It looked like a light saber. You knew I was going to say that.

He and his dad started up the hill to try it out where it was darker. There is nothing more precious than Keegan's hand in Will's walking up the hill. This little four year old head that matches his dad's exactly, both in jeans and long sleeve shirts walking away with the blue glow stick floating in the night talking about Star Wars.
Each year we go to this silly place with it's big Yogi Bear statues and big water-dumping basket, we will have some new obstacle to overcome. Eventually it might be that they've both outgrown the park. How sad will that be?
I think I'll take some skinned knees or a sore back watching Maren toddle around.

Statue Update: I love my precious little family. Thank you God for my blessings. I know you know that I know what's important. :)

Questions Questions Questions

2011-08-03T09:32:00.000-05:00

"Mom, why can't we walk in mud?"
"Mom, why does Darth Vader have a cape but he can't fly?"
"Mom, why do you have two dads?"
"Mom, why do we have skeletons?"
"Mom, where are Max and Ruby's parents?"

"Well you can, but I don't like you to bring it in the house because I already have to clean up after your dad."
"I don't know. I bet it really makes him mad though because if anyone would want to fly, it's him."
"Well, Grandma Linda was married to Grandpa Mike, and now she's married to Grandpa John. I am not even going to mention the guy in the middle...sigh..."
"If we didn't we would be jello, and it would be really hard to drive."
"AH-HA!"

Stripes

2011-07-17T11:05:00.001-05:00

Good heavens, it is only 85 degrees outside, but the humidity must be 150.
If I close my eyes out on the deck I swear I am in North Korea. Wait. Is that safe Korea? I am just thinking jungle..maybe I will just go with: If I close my eyes on the deck I swear I am in Columbia. Shoot, that isn't much better.
Will and I celebrated my 39th birthday last night at Capital Grille. I LOOOOOVE that place. It's all dark wood and old rich lawyers with tacky toupes driving Mercedes, and people I SWEAR are in the mafia, and I just stare stare stare!
"Would you stop looking around so much?"
"What? I am just wondering who that old man is in the tacky toupe. He seems to know EVERYONE here. I'm asking our waiter!"
"No! Melissa! No!"
"Excuse me. Who is that man with the -uh, who is that man who seems to know everyone?"
"That's Mr. Leepshitz. (I did not make that name up.) He's a regular. He's very nice. If you get to know him, you can call him Leefy."
YES! "Will! I want to be a regular! How awesome! We could be regulars here! Do you know what it takes to be a regular at the Capital Grille? You just have to come here, like EVERY DAY! And spend money! That's it!"
"Melissa, we are annuals. The Williams' are annuals."
"You're right."

Since returning from my hospital stay, guh. I have been thinking a lot about turning 39, and I have to tell you that I feel pretty great about it.
I think it's because I am doing some hard work on myself this summer, and trying to get back to the real me, and I am really trying to focus on the important stuff.
I heard someone on TV the other day say that she has earned every wrinkle on her face at 45. I liked that.
I like to think of them as stripes. I have earned every single stripe I have! Ha ha!
There is something really empowering about being older. I like my experience. I like knowing that I have done a lot, seen a lot, felt a lot. Everytime I am with my students, I seem to know what to say or how to handle MOST situations. Every time Maren Vada performs some new trick such as sucking chocolate straight out of the Magic Shell container that she snuck out of the lazy susan, I feel MORE able to HANDLE it!!!!!!!!!!!
Sigh.

I am using a fantastic devotional by Sarah Young called Jesus Calling. My mom introduced me to it. I am finding that the quieter I get, the louder God gets. The more I lean into him, the more I feel his presence. It is a constant work in progress, but I know I am not alone.
As I am working on feeling strong, independent and confident again, I am also feeling the love of Jesus with me. It's getting more peaceful in my world where I have not felt much peace in a long time.
I was thinking about my friend R- from school. She is probably, other than my mom, the Christian that I admire most. She lives her faith. She doesn't fling it at you. She just emanates it. She is strong and confident in different ways than I am, and there are things she has done that I don't know that I could do, but the decisions she has made are always based on her faith. I have always admired her for that.
When I watch people struggle with situations or decisions, I think about R- and how she has made decisions in her life. I think it is a very good idea to give it to God. I don't think this means that you just sit back and wait for the answer to fall into your lap, however. I do think that it means you can stop worrying as much as is humanly possible. There is someone far more powerful watching over things.
That is comforting, to me at least.

Will and Keegan have gone on their first annual camping trip with Grandpa Gary. This means Maren and I are HOME ALONE.
Do not tell Will, but I am really kind of looking forward to this time.
It does not mean that I will not miss my boys like crazy, however, there are some things about just having the two of us here that are really really heavenly.
First, my house will be clean, and it will stay clean for three whole days!
I can eat cheese and crackers for dinner and drink wine and watch as many Real Housewives as I want. THOSE women need a devotional, though, I am just saying!
Maren and I can go for a walk, shopping, or we can just play Little People on the floor all day.
I can change her outfit 5 times if I want to!
By Wednesday I will be more than ready for them to come home, but it's nice to have this time with my daughter too.

There is a huge run off drainage pond at the bottom of our hill running through the backyards. I think I see steam rising from it.
Yuck.
We are going to have malaria down there, I bet.
Yuck.
Ernesto will probably be floating down there later tonight.
Yuck.
Okay well, it's quiet and I can get some things done.
And I didn't put my eye cream on yet today.
Look, let's be honest, I've earned my stripes, but I didn't say I needed to SHOW everybody!!!

SINW

2011-07-13T20:37:00.001-05:00

We have now entered a phase I like to call "Shit is Not Working".
This happens to Will and I every few years. We have been together over five years which means that we have had at least two of these phases so far.
I am happy to say that we always get our selves out of SINW but while we are in SINW, it is not that fun.
Let me give you some examples of SINW:
The air conditioning on the Mazda is broken, and we have had record heat..I am having flashbacks to high school riding around in Joe Hinz's Honda Civic. Back then it was SUPER COOL and I LIVED to be in his un-air conditioned Honda, heading to Lake Washington, the sweat pouring down my face, listening to Z99.
With two small children going even one mile to Target is like a slow road in hell..
"MOM! MOMMA! It's HOT! Maren's HOT! I'M HOT!! I'M THIRSTY! Why is there a RED LIGHT??? MOM!!! MOMMA!!!
I feel like the worst mother on the planet..
SINW #2: The right side view mirror on the SAME vehicle is hanging by a thread. I think it melted off in the heat. I'm not kidding. I am scared shitless that I will be roaring down the freeway at 70 miles an hour and it's going to come lose and go splattering into someone's windshield. Better yet, because I have to drive with all of my windows down-NO AIR CONDITIONING!!!! It could shatter all over ME!!!!!!
(I do not take the children anywhere that I have to drive over 30 miles an hour right now until the air is fixed, just so you know...)
SINW #3: It is summer and our barbecue grill has stopped working. It was not cheap. It is fairly new, and it is broken. Sh*t, d*mmit, and I blame Ernesto. Why? Because I want to, that's why.
SINW #4: We have ants, some sort of flying ants, and one other type of ant-wannabe in the basement. I don't know what is going on, but we are a haven for bugs, and I do NOT think it is funny. This started in our old town home, as some of my loyal readers (ahahahahaha) may remember and while my son and husband may think bugs are cool, I do not. Get out of my house. I am a clean person even if I have to drive three and a half hours to my mother in laws sometimes to take a decent shower.
This is NOT by choice. This is simply a phase of life I am in due to a busybody one year old. I would choose to shower three times a day if I could. Hell, I would put on make up for TWO HOURS if I had the chance, but I don't!!!!!!!!!!
I digress.
The point is, I don't think we are the kind of people who should have bugs. It does not seem fair.
And finally, the grand daddy whopper SINW of them all: ME.
Yes, my SINW!!!!
There is nothing like being humbled by IV's, lumbar pokes (ohhhh don't be fooled, that's a nice way of saying spinal tappppppp!!!) and blood draws, to really make you feel like your sh*t is not working.
Sigh.
I believe that God does this to us so that I pray a little more strongly and a little more faithfully. My mom says it's so that we draw nearer to him. Oh believe me. I was in God's lap on Saturday night in the ER. By Monday, he could have just reached down and taken me right straight up to Grandma, Auntie Pearl, and Grandpa Woody. I wasn't frightened. Which, in hindsight is a good thing. I am thankful that God gives me strength to get through such hard things, even though at the time, I do not feel strong. I am thankful that I have such wonderful family and smart friends taking care of things when I can't. Mostly I am thankful that he helps me to realize these things. All summer, I haven't been able to slow down. Not once. I couldn't during the school year either, except when Will and I went to Mexico. Boy did I have to slow down in the hospital. I think God is yelling the message to me that my body is not working right because I am going too much. Okay, God, I hear you. I'm listening.
But, I'm just wondering what message he's sending us about the ants?
Hmmmm.....

Thinking Back...

2011-06-24T12:33:00.001-05:00

I was thinking about all the times in my life that I said yes when I should have said no. The times when I thought something was a good idea, and maybe it just wasn't...
You know you've done it too..Oh don't even tell me you haven't... because if you're THAT person we are NOT related or friends..

Three kids and a pending divorce? Yes, I'll go out with you.

Three wiseman? You say it's just a quick birthday shot? Okay.

You say you never went through treatment for that cocaine addiction, but you're fine now? Yes, I'll go out with you.

A brand new car payment on a first year teacher's salary? I can handle that.

I know I'm only 26 and I've really only known him a few months, but yes, I'm ready to get married, even if he doesn't seem that motivated. I am sure he will change.

You think we should leave Uptown and buy a townhouse in the middle of nowhere in a town that no one has ever heard of because it's at the height of the real estate boom? You think we'll get a good return on this townhouse? Sure, where do we sign?

You want me to run a 5K race called GoCommando on June 25th? Sure. Wait.... It DOESN'T mean we're running without underwear?? What does it mean? You mean like the movie Commando? Like camouflage? And mud? Uh..................

To Be Continued............................

911

2011-06-24T08:33:00.001-05:00

That toolbox E-. He started playing techno music at 2:30 and didn't quit until 6 am.
WHAT TIME ZONE ARE YOU LIVING IN, YOU NUMB NUTS??
Now when I call 911 the local police force actually know it's me. "Hey, Melissa, bet this is about you know who. We can try to make him turn it down.." No, they don't actually say that, but they don't act very surprised that I'm calling for the 53rd time.
I am amazed at the levels of asshole-ness in some people. His is like a 10. I actually think he turned the music up LOUDER from about 4 am to 5. I think all my dreams were about The Albatross back in college. I pray it was really really important for him to have his music up that loud in the wee hours of Thursday morning. I mean I really hope it was something extra special important. Can you think of anything legal? Can you?????

This morning I dropped the babies at daycare. Waiting on the foyer steps were FOUR, count 'em four girls for Keegan, all older by at least a year.
He shoved his shoes and blankets at me, gave me a push towards the door and whispered, "Mom, I want you to GO."
"So Laurie, Maren ate well last night, and I will come and get them before 4 o'clock today and wait, what? You want me to go?"
"GOOD BYE MOM." I glanced up and he had already nestled himself on the couch with ALL FOUR of them.
ALERT! ALERT! What is going on here? Why is my 4 year old pushing me out the door? Who are all these girls? Why does the 7 year old look like she just got done shooting an ad campaign for Lancome?
Where did he get this love of older women...
Wait a minute..
"Alright, I'm going. I don't want to cramp your style here. But your bedroom door will stay open, and I will be taking your phone at 8 pm."
He was already engrossed in Bubble Guppies.

Maren is back to her old ways. Well she's not really old enough to have old ways, is she? But you know what I mean. She's up twice a night. She is also chewing on everything again, so I am guessing this means more teeth. It is uncanny how one small body can produce that many teeth at once. Is she part wolverine? What is going to happen when she reaches puberty? I am actually scared.

Well it's quiet over at Super DJ Vodka's house so I think it's time to clean and pump up the volume. I clean the kitchen a lot better to Kanye West TURNED UP REALLY LOUD.

A Wild Hair

2011-06-20T20:56:00.000-05:00

Apparently Will spent the day checking on retirement properties in Florida because he sent me a link tonight to a condo in Sarasota with the subject line: Retirement Idea?
Super.
I spent the day sorting toys into clear plastic bins.
Star Wars
Little People
Legos
Cars Toys
Old McDonalds Toys that Keegan will remember and hold against me if I throw away.
We are so close to retirement I can TASTE it!

I love that my husband plans ahead, do not misunderstand. I would not want to be married to some shlep who pees in the litter box and only thinks about where his next tin of chew is coming from...wait a minute....
So I think it's great to THINK about retirement. Believe me. When I drove to summer school this morning I was THINKING about retirement. And then I promptly forgot the minute I started teaching. Because something gets into my blood when I see those little tired crabby faces! I have to MAKE them want to be there! It's the best sales job in the world!
So while Will plans our future, I will live in the present: plastic toys tubs, and lethargic middle schoolers. We're a great combination...

A Great Father

2011-06-19T18:55:00.001-05:00

"DAAAADDD! I want candy corn! I HAAAAATTTTTE pizza!"
"Keegan eat one bite of pizza, and you can have a candy corn. Good. Now when you eat another bite you can have another candy corn."
Sometimes I just stay out of the parenting. I feel it's better this way.
Will is doing just fine allll by himself.

Happy Father's Day my darling husband. I wouldn't have any material if it wasn't for you.
I love you more than I can ever describe.
Thank you for being the dad our children adore.
And I am beginning to understand why more and more all the time. Who doesn't love candy corn pizza? I didn't even know you could buy that in June!

Your loving best wife,
Melissa Ann

Party On!!!

2011-06-18T13:28:00.000-05:00

Maren's first birthday party is starting in an hour and half and I have only had one Mike's Hard Lemonade. I do not consider this alcohol.
Yesterday Will went to the 50's Rockin' Car Show on the day we were supposed to be getting ready for her party.
"Why are you going?"
"Why did you get ready for a garage sale all week?"
"You are diverting my question. The garage sale has nothing to do with you going to an old car show while I run around like my head is cut off trying to get ready for 30 people tomorrow at our house."
"You do that anyway. I'm going."
"But it doesn't make it right."
"Let's agree that we both didn't do something right and be done with it."
AAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
What is he talking about????
So Will went to the car show and I ran around like my head was cut off shopping for I don't even remember anymore.
What in the hell is the purpose of a one year olds party anyway? I have completely forgotten at this point...she won't remember it, I am stressed out and Will probably just put us into more debt by buying a '57 Chevy convertible because I pissed him off.
Yes, it's the sleep deprivation talking.
Please God, please make her teeth come in faster. Please I am begging, or at the very least, make me calmer about the fact that she doesn't want to sleep like a normal human being..OR help me invent something between a baby bjorn and a sling that allows me to get everything done that I need to AND still carry her around BECAUSE she does NOT want to be put down EVER.
I wish I was a mother monkey.
On the upside, I have really really great arms...better than Michelle Obama, I shit you not.
I am going to put out a DVD entitled: Carry Your Baby to Scuplted Arms
Okay so I need to shower, make a dip, change, put on makeup, cover up the wrinkles, dark circles, brush my teeth and console my crying daughter all while holding her...should be GREAT TIMES...all within the next hour before people get here...I love this stage.. I do..
I am thankful..I am..Oh! Here comes Will back from getting the cake..annnd he is still driving the same car..whew!!

Maren VeeVee

2011-06-16T19:17:00.000-05:00

You are 1 year today!
Where has the time gone..
You say, "Hi" every time you see ANYONE..even if you don't know them (apparently we need to teach you about stranger danger), you give kisses, you LOVE the cats, so much so that they spend a lot of time hiding from you...you love anything your brother is playing with, much to his chagrine..you put EVERYTHING in your mouth: crumbs off the floor, toys, blankets, fuzz, grass, bugs-dead or alive-, bird seed, bath bubbles, paper, nuks, but not much food gets there with your own two hands, YET. You slept on me for the first three months, and when you are really sick, you still would rather sleep on my chest, which is just fine with your mama.
Right now you have 8 teeth, either poking through or pretty much in, and I am almost sure this is a world record..I am so sorry, my poor baby..
Maren Vada, the moment your big dark eyes looked into mine, I knew you were special, unique. You are not like anyone I have ever known, except maybe me...which scares me sometimes. I want so much for you to be strong and happy and not make any of the mistakes that I have made. I don't want anyone to make you feel worthless. I want you to have confidence and strength as a woman in what you can do for yourself in this world. I want you to know that people will come and go in your life, but you will always have your mom and your dad, your aunts and uncles, your grandparents, here and in heaven, and most especially your brother. Most importanly, though, I want you to find a strong faith in God, way before your mother did. I don't want you to have to find him the way I did. I won't let that happen though. I think, Maren Vada, you and I are going to be good friends, because your grandmother and I are best friends, and I have learned a lot about what it means to be a mother from her. I have learned her strengths and her weaknesses. I am learning about my own strengths and weaknesses every day, too. I will tell you some of them as we go along in this life together..a few..I mean, I don't think you need to know EVERYTHING!!!
I love you my darling precious daughter. When I go to sleep at night, you are the last person I think about. Since I knew you were coming, I haven't been the same. I never will be, and I thank you for that, my sweet girl.
Thank you for making me a better mother
Momma

Since the Last Time...

2011-06-14T15:34:00.000-05:00

Keegan had a 103 temp last night and is being treated for strep.
Did he get that from that frog??
Do frogs give you strep?
Yish.
Maren is still not sleeping through the night and has some sort of super power that makes her the only baby in the world immune to the wonders of melatonin. It's supposed to help them fall asleep and stay asleep. Nope. Not Maren. She's like Superman with Kryptonite. Only the reverse-you know what I mean.
So Will and I have not had a full night's sleep since 1987. But it's summer and even after 24 more hours, I feel better. I love the power of time as a healer! Oh thank you God for time! (Even if that stretch mark cream isn't working on my wrinkles, thus reminding me that time is marching across my face with Doc Martens-Clomp! Clomp! Clomp!)
I am typing at a frenzied pace because Keegan is still napping, and I realize that I can get about 15 things done before we go to pick up Maren at daycare.
Do you realize how much you can get done with a four year old home and no baby?
I marked all my garage sale items, sorted the entire linen closet, taking time to actually test out some old lipsticks just for FUN!, (pink is NOT my color) threw away icky old blankets and sheets (donated them, actually), something I do every time a bad relationship ends. I am considering my career right now a bad relationship. Out with the dysfunctional, in with the newfunctional (?). It works.
I also took an uninterrupted two hour nap and will shortly be making dinner.
Maren Vada, I love you and am so thankful for you, my precious baby daughter, but boy was it nice to be productive today.
I haven't been productive since 2008.
Anyway, I'm off to cook. Something I hope I can actually do this summer now that I have time off. Parmesan chicken-thanks Grandma!
"What kind of Grandma?" As Keegan would say.
Grandma Linda.
This is what happens when you have more than one Grandma, you ask what kind.
I am pretty sure Will asks this about me in his head on any given day: "What kind of Melissa?"
Hopefully he can start saying: "The happy kind!"

On With The Show

2011-06-13T20:05:00.000-05:00

Well another school year has come to an end, and once again it ended as effed up as many others in the past few years have for me.
I wish I could lie, fake it or just brush it off gracefully. I can't. I feel rotten, horrible and pretty much like I vomited all over myself and can't clean it off yet.
I am hoping that it will go away in the next few days. It's Monday and the smell is still lingering, so maybe a few more good runs will do the trick.
The great thing is I am getting back into running really quick. The bad thing is that all the "beating feet" I am doing, isn't really taking away the pit in my stomach.
I don't know, have we talked about this yet? I spent almost four years in the most dysfunctional relationship on the planet. I was lost for four years. I was a ghost of myself. It took years to repair, to undo what had been done. But I did repair it. The way I feel now, after five years in the environment I've worked in, feels eerily similar.
This is not where I want to be at almost 40.
So I guess I have to make a plan. And running is always step 1. (See old post..the one where I got dumped in Uptown..Didn't that happen a lot to you, Melissa? Shut up you, I only wrote about it once!)
In the meantime, I feel really really icky.
I have been taught that there is a reason for everything, and so there will have to be some good that comes out of everything that has happened. I see small signs. But I know that I have a lot of work to do. Right now I feel so tired and so phony and so empty. I am thankful it's summer. I need space and some nice people around me. But in all honesty, I don't feel so nice either. So I have to be okay being around my self too.
Okay so I feel better that I got that off my flat chest.
On to fun things.
Keegan found a tree frog while Will was landscaping. And by the way, I am not sure what has gotten in to Will but he has some sort of agricultural streak in him, because he has suddenly started planting and hoeing like crazy. I bet he would have been a great farmer a hundred years ago.
Annd we would not have met. Because if Match.com existed back then, I would not have dated the guy holding the hoe. I AM JUST SAYING!
Okay anyway, Keegan carried that tree frog around EVERYWHERE yesterday. On his arm, his shoulder, his STOMACH! I caught him singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to him by the hose.
"Mom Bough loves me."
And I swear that frog did! He didn't tryto make a get away the whole day!
He patiently endured the baths in the bird bath, the "time in the mud bucket". He was Keegan's buddy all day.
I was really proud of my amphibian loving son. He was so gentle to this frog. You know he could have been lighting him on fire or running him over with his bike or a million other scenarios that would have sent me immediately to the phone for a children's therapy appointment.
I especially loved that he named him Bough! How clever! Like Tree Bough! Because he was a Tree Frog!
He even knows what a bough is! His vocabulary is incredible for four!
"Mom! Momma! Come HERE! I found another TREE FROG!"
"Keegan you have two! What are you going to name this one?"
"Show!"
"What?"
"Show. She's the mom of Bow."'
"Your tree frogs are Show and Bow? Will, did you hear that? You might want to forget about basketball."
"You should name him Cletus, Keegan."
Not gonna happen.

Some things are not what they seem, and I have to admit, this time, I love it! Thank you Keegan for reminding me what's really important.

Where Am I? Where I Am.

2011-05-31T13:46:00.000-05:00

We visited my mom and John for Memorial Day weekend, and they live in the North Woods.
I shit you not. If there is ever a national emergency Will and I are packing the kids and cats ("Not the cats!) (Be quiet Will!) and driving STRAIGHT there because we could survive off the land with my parents. AND they have a wood burning stove.
I am CONVINCED that if there is a nuclear war or if the moon suddenly gets close to the earth (horrible novel I read last year-scarred me for life) then the only way to survive is with a wood burning stove. We only have a pretty gas stove at our house. You can't even get into it to touch the fake logs!!! I am really really nervous. We're doomed here.
ANYWAY. We went up north and Keegan LOVES it because he thinks he's camping.
"Mom, Daddy and I are going camping after dinner!"
"Really?"
"With graham crackers and MARSHMALLOWS!"
So really camping is just making smores at the CAMP fire.
He is all about the marshmallows. Keegan ate 65 marshmallows before he even put one on a skewer.
What is IN a marshmallow? Note to self. Wikipedia marshmallows.
Keegan also enjoyed the great outdoors. However, he was bit 745 times by mosquitoes and now looks just like that kid from the movie Mask. You know the one with Cher? She was a Harley gal in love with Sam Elliot, and her son Rocky was born with the deformed face? I am NOT making fun of him, I am simply saying that Keegan has a lump the size of Massachusetts on his forehead which has caused his nose to become disproportionate to the rest of his face thus causing his left eye to swell shut slightly giving him the uncanny resemblance to an elephant cub. Do elephants have cubs? Well if they did, they would look like Keegan right now.

It is 1:16 and I know you are wondering why I am not working. I would love to say that I have quit work to take up a life of blogging about my elephantine son. However, I am paying the school district again to stay home with my children this afternoon because our daycare lady is sick. So I am going to go and take a nap.
My goal is to begin running again sometime in the year 2011. I have run exactly two times in the past two weeks, once at 6 am. Maren has been waking up at 6 am so that completely blows that schedule out of the water now. I will now have to wake up at 5 am to run. Then she will probably catch on and start waking up at 5. Maybe I will just stay awake at her 2 am feeding and run then. Why not? I don't need to sleep. I can be the first mother to NOT sleep. In fact, I will just run from 2 am until I go to work. I can set some sort of world record for exercise. YES! That's it! How cool and sick at the same time...I am gagging. I am gagging.

I realized the other day that my sister in law who is now a serious distance runner was NOT when her children were 11 months old. In fact I distinctly remember her falling asleep in the middle of the living room floor at my mother in law's house at 1:30 in the afternoon while her children played OVER and AROUND her. I was flabbergasted. HOW COULD SHE JUST SLEEP THROUGH ALL THAT RUCKUS? Now I know. Because she needed to!!!!!
So I realize now as I watch her jog merrily down the road for her hour and a half Saturday run that I will get there too. It didn't happen for her overnight. It won't for me either.
When I am really down and depressed about it, I remember that nothing stays the same. Everything is a phase. I am old enough to know that. Been there done that. Seen that heard that. Sometimes it's just having the patience to get there. Patience. Patience. And remembering to enjoy what I have because they grow up really fast.
"Mom, when I was two I was scared of those tractors, but now I'm four and I'm not scared anymore." See what I mean?

Sleeping Ugly

2011-05-21T09:46:00.002-05:00

What is this about the world ending today?
And who has Arnold Schwarzenegger been messing around with?
What in the HELL has been going on since I have been swiping floor crumbs out of Maren's mouth, writing referrals on naughty middle schoolers, and sobbing uncontrollably because I haven't slept in three months probably due to the fact that my daughter is swallowing more floor crumbs than I can swipe out of her mouth thus resulting in some sort of weird sleep disorder that they can't diagnose but is probably linked to the fact that I never have time to clean my house because I am so goddamned tired from teaching naughty kids all day and then coming home and trying to raise two small children, be a competent wife (ahahahaha) and homemaker and let's be honest I don't even know what a "home maker" is supposed to be but I really wish I had time to go and get my eyebrows waxed even though that sounds horribly selfish because I am starting to look like an old man with those crazy wild eyebrows growing all over the place...
This is how my mind thinks right now.
Yesterday I buckled Maren into her brother's car seat, and I panicked because I thought she had lost THAT much weight! "My Lord! You've shrunk! Why is this car seat so big for you?? "
Not sleeping will do this to you.
Maren has not slept through the night consistently innnnn......ohhhhh....
HER WHOLE LIFE.
So right now Will and I are a little nutso.
So of course my blog is going to sound a little nutso. (It always does, Melissa.)
Shut up you.
However, while I was feeling like I could deal with the inconsistency of her not sleeping through the night fairly well, and even felt that inconsistency had become a "routine", I am starting to crack.
The last three weeks of teaching before summer will do this to a person, months with no real true sleep will do this to person, living by Ernesto will do this to a person. (I just had to get a jab in there, you know I did!)
Yesterday, I drove 30 minutes to a clinic in Minneapolis to reunite with our old pediatrician. I do not care anymore. I am going back to the woman I love. I am no longer a fan of "convenient medical care". I want my pediatrician who knows I am a basket case about my baby and embraces it.
In a matter of 25 minutes, once I stopped sobbing and apologizing for being late because I was lost in the city trying to find the clinic, she took a look at Maren, took a look at me pronounced us both chronically sleep-deprived and sent us on our way with a plan. Amen.
Last night: The first full night of sleep for Maren in two weeks.
For me: a small peek at what "normalcy" might be. Let's be honest, nothing is ever normal with kids, you know I know that you know I know that.
If nothing else I have a four year old that can take care of himself.
"Mom, this show is too much fighting for me to watch. I want to turn it off."
He is his own censor at 4. I love it. Of course he says this as he holds his light saber in his hand, but whatever.
At least someone is taking care of themselves well around here right now.

It might as well be the pre-schooler!

Spies Like Us

2011-05-07T20:15:00.002-05:00

I am a huge conspiracy theorist.
In fact now that I just wrote that, I am paranoid that someone is going to tap into this blog and starting checking on me....
or that there will be some kind of "accident," I shit you not, I believe that that kind of thing happens all the time because people shoot their mouths off. And let's be honest, I feel like I shoot my mouth off a lot.
I am NOT the worst. I can point some fingers, and I will do it,too, if it comes down to me or them, but still, I know I am no innocent.

But, today, I am pretty sure we were being watched, and this time they sent someone realllllly good................................
At first I thought he was rabid. Then I thought he was old and dying. After awhile I was convinced someone had sent him to get the goods on me because he was in that tree from 7:30 this morning until 7:30 tonight.
WHAT THE HELL??????
WHAT KIND OF SQUIRREL ARE YOU???
GO BOTHER ERNESTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He even got to Will after awhile, so you know it was serious.
"Do you want to ask the squirrel if he wants to go on a walk with us?"
SEE! SEE! It bothered him too!
Look, I am not sure what he was hoping to hear, or what he was doing there, but I did NOT crack under pressure. I told him NOTHING.
Because frankly I don't have anything to tell him.
What was he hoping to learn:
That I'm almost 39, I love my husband, my kids, wine, I think my work environment is dysfunctional, but I love the people I work with and I hope to buy some new spring clothes because I am starting to look like that woman in the Suave commercial who needs "help"?
You can't get me "SQUIRREL" with your little bat-like cutesy face, pointy ears and your fluffy tail!!

Sooooooooo maybe it's time for a little summer vacation.
I admit it.
No big whoop. I need some time off. Okay. Sure..

He's gone by the way.
We came back from our walk and he was out of the tree.
Pffffftttt..stupid squirrel and his "spying".......
I knew it was nothing.

You're Killing Me Smalls

2011-05-03T07:21:00.001-05:00

Maren is not like Keegan. I mean, I knew this was probably a possibility. Most siblings are not exactly alike. You should see my brother and I. You wouldn't even think we were related. Jumpy and Nervous vs. Calm and Peaceful. You go ahead and figure out who is who. I don't need to draw you a map.
Anyway, Maren NEVER sits still. I don't know if Keegan moved until he was 1!!
At her last doctor's check up I actually asked if she might be hyperactive. Thankfully I have a cool nurse practioner, and she's read my file, so she knows what she's dealing with when I come in. "She's your second right?"
"Yes."
"There is a reason the first is so calm; otherwise we might never have a second."
I am NOT exactly sure this was "doctor" advice. I mean, I think my mom could have said this to me, and she has a teaching degree, but whatever. It made me feel better, and apparently, I don't need to worry about ADHD...YET.
HOWEVER, since Maren stopped just sitting, progressed to the wounded zombie crawl, into the full-on crawl, and now into the "pull up" phase, I have not had a moment's peace. Truly, this is in part to her brother's constant commentary: "No Maren! Don't Maren! Stop Maren! Quit Maren! MOM! Maren just... MOMMMMM!! Maren is..!!!" A little like the kettle calling the pot if you ask me, because he has NO idea the things HE used to do; however, I will admit that she enjoys getting into absolutely everything she can. Keegan did not. I spend most of my time after work, taking things away from her, and then cleaning up everything she did manage to get into that I didn't happen to catch her getting into when I was just too damn worn out for the 5 seconds that I turned my back to pee.
I am hopeful that this means she has a strong spirit. I am hopeful that this means she might be a fighter. It took me almost 33 years to really kick ass at anything. I wouldn't cross me now, but believe me at 28, you could just run me over with a Big Wheel, no problem. I am hoping that maybe she is going to be a lot stronger a lot younger. No matter what, I will help her. I have some good life lessons to share.

However, if this is all just an exercise in getting me to rearrange my cupboards, we are going to have some talking to do!

Happy Hour

2011-05-02T19:13:00.000-05:00

The novelty of Will being in Vegas has worn off.
At first it seemed just fine. "You go, honey! I went in February! Vegas is no big whoop! It's like Uptown with a lot more lights (kind of), or a big cruise ship with no water! I've got a sitter for Saturday night! It's not at all like the last time you went when I was pregnant and stuck at home, fat and sober!"
Now, however, it's day 2, and 35 degrees on MAY 1. Keegan is sick of his sister taking his Star Wars toys, and I am sick of listening to him whine about it. Maren is putting every little piece of whatever is on the ground into her mouth, thus reminding me how dirty my floor is, even though I just got it cleaned..grrr..I am ready for Will to come home. Can a person go to Vegas for one day? Yes. If you are Courtney Kardashian and have your own jet. Never mind.
So, I opened a bottle of Pinot Noir, and I am ordering pizza for my son. Keegan retreated to the basement where Maren can't get his "stuff wet" and Maren is simultaneously chewing on an old envelope and pulling herself up on the kitchen chairs. Annnnd now she's stuck..annnd now she's fussing...annnd now I just pushed her down and she's fine. :)
Sip.
I have never been so tired in my entire life. And I am not bitching, I am just stating a fact. I have very busy children, and I am not exactly sure how this is going to change when they are 12 and 15. I mean, I can only foresee that when they are BOTH walking and talking and attending school, it is not going to be less busy. It's not like kids slowww down. So, I think I just have to be thankful for energy, because most of the time, I seem to have enough. Or maybe I should thank caffeine.
Sip.
Recently, the Dali Lama started reading my blog because I got a comment on my last blog: "Don't Skin a Bear and then Try to Stuff It Before It's Dead". Well, that wasn't exactly the quote, but it was close, and I knew immediately that if someone was commenting like THAT on one of my blogs it HAD to be HIM! So I deleted the post, because I am guessing the message was that he didn't approve. Let's be honest, I got scared.
Sip.
Right after I deleted it, I got laryngitis.
Guess what?
The psychosomatic reason for losing your voice is not being heard. Hmmm..Putting two and two together, I decided that either the Dali Lama had put a curse on me, orrrr I shouldn't stop speaking my mind. I am going with number 2.
So from now on, I am not holding back. I know this is a shock.
Sip.
I miss my husband.
Sip. Sip.

That is all I have time to write because Keegan can't open the baby gate by himself, and he is hollering to be let back upstairs, and Maren just found a plastic Target bag to play with. I am sure that isn't okay.
Sip. Sip. Sip. Sip. Sip.

Happy Birthday

2011-04-16T12:46:00.000-05:00

Dear Keegan Michael:
Happy 4th birthday. Thank you for changing my life. It has been four years of laughs, tears, aggravation, learning, wonderment and amazement and the most intense love that I could ever feel.
All because of a little five pound baby who came four weeks early.
You were beautiful from the moment you were born.
You were a surprise, a plan, a gift and you give your dad and I more to laugh about then anything else. Sometimes I think you are the glue that holds everything together, and I don't mean that in a dysfunctional way EITHER! I mean to say that you are the whole reason our family is a family because once we knew you were coming, your dad and I really knew that everything was falling into place.
Your sister adores you. She is following in your footsteps, watching everything that you do.
She listens to you talk, sing, laugh and yes, even whine. (Don't DO that so much!) :)
Keegan, I love you so much that I ache sometimes. I want to hold you and protect you from bullies, girls that might break your heart, teachers that might put you down, anyone and everything that might not see you the way your dad and I do.
But I know I can't.
Instead I have to try to raise you to be strong and resilient. I have to teach you to brush off the unnecessary stuff. I have to teach you to continue to be a light to everyone around you. To be fun, and true and good.
Keegan you are my soulmate. My true love son.
My bestest bestest boy.
I will always be here for you.
Your loving momma.
Melissa Ann

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun..

2011-04-13T16:08:00.001-05:00

So tomorrow night I am going with some of the girls from work to a play or something.
I don't really know what we're doing.
I just know that I have a babysitter, and there are drinks in Minneapolis involved.
Maybe I should know the details better, now that I think about it.
Anyway, there have been about a zillion e-mails going back and forth about what people are wearing, who is driving, where we are starting to drink, etc. etc.
It has been a great distraction from teaching to read them all.
Until I got this one today:
"I will try to switch cars, but if not I'll have the squad car, and I can even do breathalyzer checks for fun!"
WHAT THE HELL???
So apparently someone in this group is friends with the school police liason officer.
WHO BE-FRIENDED THE SCHOOL COP???
This is like be-friending the PRINCIPAL!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?????
So all of a sudden I have a real buzz kill on this whole night out thing. What if she comes in her UNIFORM???
What if she looks up my RECORD before she gets there??
DO I HAVE A RECORD??
She can probably at least check my credit score. Shit balls.
OH! And you KNOW she is going to figure out that I used that bad credit card one night in Uptown that said Melissa Bsderick1 because I was DESPERATE to go out, and they took it at the bar, so now I have like 3 aliases!!! Shit!
I do NOT like this AT ALL!
And I NEVER paid that library fine when I moved!!! Dammit! I bet I owe like $8000.00 by now!
It is getting worse by the second.
Anyway, I am talking to those girls tomorrow and figuring out who's bright idea this was. THEN I am staying farrrrr away from the fuzz tomorrow night!
AND there is no way I am carpooling with her! NO WAY!
Unless she turns on the siren and we get to go really fast!

Difficult Talk

2011-04-03T10:23:00.000-05:00

"Mom, who are those bunnies in that picture by Max?"

"Those are Max and Ruby's Mom and Daddy."

"They must be dead."

I KNEW IT! I knew this would happen!

I knew he would get older and get smarter and figure out THE SECRET!

Curse you Nick Jr!

You put a bossy older sister and a precocious younger brother in a house by themselves, and you think preschoolers won't figure out that the parents have skipped town???

The Grandma must be a drinker and just shows up once in a while to keep social services away!

Gah!

This is almost worse than Keegan marrying his sister!

Snippets

2011-04-01T13:34:00.001-05:00

Lately Keegan has had a lot to say. He has comments, and he has a lot of questions. I am just amazed.

"Mom, I am going to marry you when I grow up."
I think this is incredibly sweet of my darling three, almost four year old. I do not have the heart to tell him that I don't want to get married a third time, though.

"Mom I am going to marry Maren when I grow up."
Again just precious. He loves his baby sister so much. My heart just turns to slush when he talks like this.
However, you know me well enough to know that there is that little niggly scenario being played out in the back of my head: "Brother Marries Sister in Minnesota Suburb! Scandal Rocks Family!"
Look, I watch a lot of reality TV. I get a little freaked out.
Have decided to just let this alll play out and address the issue if it comes up again in his 20's.

"Dad, do you like mustard?"
I wonder why he is asking this? Does Keegan spend a lot of time thinking about condiments? Did I when I was 4?

"I want to visit Uncle Otis, Grandpa Woody and Uncle Bud."
Keegan knows every single old man on Will's father's side of the family by name. Isn't this kind of amazing? And he wants to visit them all in their nursing homes as much as possible. He LIKES this.
I still weep uncontrollably every time I think about going into a nursing home. Keegan is gung ho! He will sit for hours with Grandpa Woody, even if Grandpa Woody is sleeping! To me, that is simply a special special heart. I also think this seals the deal on him visiting his mother someday if I am nursing home bound! But let's be honest, they're going to have to catch me first. I know they don't serve much wine there.

"It is only 18 days until my birthday."
"And then what Keegan?"
"I don't know."
"Well what can you do when you're four?"
"I can't chew gum. That's when I'm five."

"Mom. Dad and I are going to the zoo."
"What am I going to do?"
"Welllll, you can come to."
"Aren't you forgetting someone?"
"Who?"
"Your baby sister."
"Oh, I guess she can come too."
No longer worried about creepy inter-family marriage thing if he doesn't even remember to take her to the zoo.
Another crisis averted!

Riviera Missing Nothing

2011-03-21T19:06:00.000-05:00

"Mom, are you going on an adventure with Daddy?" Hmmm..trip..adventure..given our track record..maybe adventure is a better way to describe anything we do outside our house, oh let's be honest anything we DO is an adventure.
"Uh, yes, I suppose that's what it is Keegan."
"Where are you going?"
"We're going to Mexico."
"Why are you going THERE?" Because we can't afford St. Thomas.
"Uh, because, uh, because we love each other." This is true. We love each other and we deserve to have sex even if it means we have to pay thousands of dollars, leave you and Maren with grandma and grandpa and go far far away to make it happen.
"Oh."
And so began the adventure and a honeymoon five years in the making.
We had endless sun, coral beaches, snorkeling, gourmet dinners, and some really fantastic kier royals (champagne with cassis liquor). Well I did. Will drank everything on the drink menu.
"Can I see the drink menu?"
"Really? You don't have it memorized yet?"
I would love to show you pictures. They were gorgeous.
But they're gone.
Apparently our memory card is a security threat. So it was taken from our suitcase somewhere between the Cancun airport and Minneapolis.
If someone can make a bomb out of a memory card, seriously, they are brilliant. Libya is probably talking to them right now. Pictures of our bare tanned feet entwined romantically with the sea green ocean in the background are probably superimposed on the side of those bombs right now...sigh.
When you lose the pictures of some of the sweetest days in your marriage what do you do?
You cry. You sigh. And then you think. This is not THAT big of a deal. First of all. We came home to beautiful happy children loved and cared for by supergrandparents.
We came home to a home.
We came home to jobs.
One of us got a pretty sweet promotion.
One of us isn't going to see a promotion unless she gets her ass back into school, but this isn't the place to talk about my problems.
Oh wait, yes it is.
We came home feeling rested, relaxed, in love and grateful for our time away.
Ummmmm.....maybe the pictures just aren't that important.
Nope.
So in the months to come I hope to write some funny stories.
Because you know there are some.
I am aching to write. I dream writing, honestly. It is just a time in my life where I have to focus other places. This does not mean however that I don't itch at least 5-6 hours a day to just write.
Thank you Mom and John for taking care of our children.
For some reason they seemed better than when we left them.
Well, except that Keegan can't put on a Gap shirt without saying: "Mom what's a gap?"
"It's a big space."
"Yuck!"
Ok ok so I will buy some shirts with something else on the front sheesh!

Viva Las Vegas

2011-02-11T12:47:00.001-06:00

So I am going to Las Vegas in like 5 minutes, and I had to just blog quick. I get nervous about flying, so I plan to drink heavily before I get on the plane because if we crash, I don't want to be sober if I die. That sounds terrible, but I don't. Okay that is not why I am writing. But I love my husband and my children more than life if anything should happen to me. And my family. And my friends. All five of you. Just kidding. I love you.
Okay. I am going to Las Vegas.
Doesn't it seem like I should have a new blog now? Life after Vegas? I don't know. I have never been there, you know. Well, that's not true. I lived there when I was three, but really, I mean I don't think when you're three you can appreciate the strip, unless your mom is a cocktail waitress, or an exotic dancer, and mine was neither, so this really is my first exposure.
I just feel like I might see some things I've never seen before.
That's not true.
I lived in Uptown, and my husband is from Viroqua, Wisconsin.
I have seen it all.
Anyway, Will has the children by himself this weekend, and I felt fine about it until 10 pm last night when he asked me to type him up their schedule.
What??
You live here too. You don't know their schedule?
But I am really impressed that he wants to stick to some sort of normal routine so I wrote it up in really big font so that he can read it well and I am hoping he will be okay.
He should be: "I got a babysitter tomorrow, and Keegan and I are going to a basketball game."
One day down, and I am home on Sunday.
I love the way he figures things out.
So here I go.
I will be back to let you know how it went.
Viva Las Vegas everyone!

Puppy Love

2011-02-06T08:19:00.001-06:00

I wish Maren would get some teeth.
Yesterday I caught her gnawing the edge of the family room rug.
She will chew on anything, obviously. I think the poor baby will feel a lot better once she has some chompers, either that, or I am going to have holes in my rug.
Will and Keegan went out of town together for a little "overnighter" to see the cousins. Maren and I stayed home. I have not gotten out of my pajamas. I dressed Maren, though, and took her pictures to practice with our new camera.
However, I am worried that I might have early on-set agoraphobia because it was even hard for me to take the garbage out. Really this had more to do with the fact that I was still in my pajamas and one of my students lives across the street, and his bedroom faces our house. I get paranoid that he's texting his classmates: Dude Mrs. Williams just came out with garbage. Total wreck. UGH. Here's pic. And then I get back on Monday and there's all these snickers and "Nice pj's" when I am trying to start class. It's the only downfall to living in the attendance area.
The upside is I can march over there at any time and say: "Dude, your writing seriously needs some work. Why don't I just sit here with you and teach you about helping
verbs?" And he knows I'll do it, so he'll probably leave me alone.
So I haven't gotten out of my pajamas, I have taken about 1000 pictures of Maren, I cleaned the house well enough that if someone does NOT use their white glove test, they will think it looks clean, and I watched an old movie.
I LOVE Old movies. This is my super secret. And now it's out.
I especially love Alfred Hitchcock movies, but any old black and white thriller will do.This weekend was Witness for the Prosecution with Tyrone Power and Marlene Dietrich, who I am convinced was not just German, but had a speech impediment. She sounded like Elmer Fudd!! Anyway, it's an Agatha Christie play turned film and I WILL NOT tell you the ending, in case you want to watch it. I vaguely remembered the ending, as I had read the play when I was in my Agatha Christie phase many years back. (Another super secret, and one that I did NOT put on my Match.com page because YES I did want to meet hot guys, thus ensuring that I would meet Will and get married, have children and live happily ever after, so just shut up.)
Will did not know my super secret about old movies until we got married, and when he catches me watching one, he just cocks an eyebrow, says something like, "Good movie, Agnes?" and clomps back downstairs to watch Rambo, so it seems to be working out okay.
Well Maren is back to chewing and rolling, so I had better go take care of the puppy that I gave birth to 7 months ago.

And Then Keegan Was on TV...

2011-02-04T19:41:00.003-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R55e-uHQna0&feature=aso

HOOS-Your Daddy?

2011-02-02T16:17:00.004-06:00

"I did something to my back in basketball. Someone kneed me in the back. I can't even breathe right."
Right away I should have been super sympathetic for my husband. I mean, obviously he was in major pain.
"Keegan has Parent-Child Basketball tomorrow night. What does this mean? Does this mean you can't take him? I signed him up so you could take him. Are you saying you can't take him?"
"Honey, I can't even move. You might have to take him."
"But, but I- I can't. I mean, I don't know how to dribble. They'll make me dribble. He'll see me trying to dribble, and he'll be ruined. This could ruin him."
"It will make for a good blog. You're taking him."
So I have to take Keegan to his first "basketball class" tonight. This is what Keegan calls it: basketball class. Oh my Lord, like we're going to painting class or pottery class. Okay. I can handle it. But I already know that it's going to be a gym full of six feet five former jocks and their semi-pro preschoolers.
And me: a short former high school cheerleader. Oh. And her skippy Star Wars-loving son who has played basketball three times in the basement with a Nerf ball, mostly just hitting his dad with it...wait, that's right, maybe he has watched two games that his uncles were coaching (and only loved it because his aunt played with him the whole time and fed him Skittles.)
God help us.
Basketball is important to Will.
It is important to Will's family.
EVERYONE plays basketball in Will's family. I think they played basketball before they could walk.
I don't know ANYTHING about basketball except that that you use a basketball to play and you should be quick with it. Maybe height will help you, but it isn't necessary.
I prefer basketball games if you can drink an alcoholic beverage while watching them. Obviously if Keegan is not ruined tonight, and he plays high school basketball, I KNOW that I will not be allowed to drink at his games. "Yes, that's Keegan Williams' mom. They always have to ask her to put away her wine bottle. It's kind of a standing joke now."
Anyway, I don't want to be the reason that my son doesn't like something, so I am going in with BELLS ON to this Parent-Child basketball CLASS!
However, this means that when Maren has Parent-Child ballet, I am going to have the WORST headache EVER and Will is sooooooo taking her!

Baby I'm Amazed

2011-01-30T19:59:00.001-06:00

There are a lot of things that amaze me right now: how long this winter is, how much I still love that song by Enrique Iglesias "Baby I LIKE It," how someone actually thinks schools are better without a middle school philosophy, how Will and I seem to be able to keep this marriage together when we have about 5 minutes alone, that my cat keeps finding the little lego pieces I miss (just another reason to keep him Willlllllll!!!!). What is filling me with absolute wonder and joy and amazement beyond all other right now, though, is Keegan's absolute love for his sister and her pure adoration for him. He is so kind and gentle with her. In the morning he peeks into her crib, "Good morning Maren." He sits with her after they're both dressed for daycare and I run frantically around the house throwing on my coat, scrambling to find my car keys, bag, phone, etc. He plays with her, tickles her tummy, gets her to laugh, finds her toys, calls her beautiful and his "best girl".

She watches with bright eyes EVERYTHING he does. She listens quietly as he plays with He-Man and his cars, and she bursts into song and smiles when he walks into the room. She has known Keegan's voice long before she was actually able to see him, this I realize now. They have been together forever. As soon as she was growing inside of me, she became a part of Keegan's life.

In this lifetime there are difficult paths to walk. I know this. I have walked some already. So has my husband. My children will have to tromp down some cruddy pathways. They will have pain. They will have difficulties. ICK! I don't want this for them! But I know this is something that is unavoidable. I am hoping that we are raising them in love and faith so that these difficulties will be manageable. I also know that they will have each other. Amazing.

Y Did I Get Myself Into This?

2011-01-09T11:44:00.000-06:00

Sooo...we joined the Y because that's our New Year's resolution...to get in shape.
There are 65 million Americans who have the same resolution. We are not original.
In order to receive the $20 discount I must attend the gym 12 times a month since I am the primary health insurance policy holder. This is a lot of pressure on a woman who works full-time, has daycare pick-up, and primary child care responsibilities until her husband gets home. Sigh. I am already regretting my resolution. Why didn't I just say I would spend less money, or drink less wine? Or stop watching so much Bravo TV? Or read the bible more? Anyway, I have been twice and I met with a personal trainer yesterday. "Look, I am not going to be able to work out 7 times a week. I don't have the time. I'm not that worried. I'm healthy. I mean, I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight, plus down a few pounds-" quick glance to the ceiling for the balloon drop.
Personal trainer looks up from his notes. "There's no balloon drop."
"Oh, sure, I- uh-yeah, I- uh- was just looking for a clock."
"Right. Of course. You should have lost the weight by now. It doesn't mean you're healthy. You should be lifting 3 times a week, running 5 times a week and eating 1200 calories a day."
"Screw you."
So it didn't go that great. And he has a problem with listening, OBVIOUSLY.
Worst case scenario: I will scan my card, use the bathroom at the Y on my way to daycare pick up, after happy hour and make my "12" quota. Problem solved.
I still think there should have been a balloon drop, though. A-hole.

A Part of the Whole

2011-01-03T19:18:00.001-06:00

Families do not come with directions. In a way this is good because I am not really good about reading directions. I am kind of one of those people who thinks they can figure out how things work without reading them anyway.
I do think, however, that it might be nice when you get married if your husband's family came with a How-To Book.
Let's be honest, it is difficult enough to figure out the person you marry. Then you have all these other people that come with him, and you have absolutely NO idea how they operate. It's all trial and error.
"You know you probably shouldn't mention that around my dad because he's kind of sensitive about frogs. It reminds him about the time when he was a kid and my grandpa ran over his pet frog, Alfie, with the thresher machine."
What the????
"Um, it might be a good idea if when you're around my mom you don't do that thing you do with your eyebrows. Her sister's first boyfriend used to do a thing with his eyebrows, and one Christmas the shit really hit the fan."
You're kidding me right?
"Well you know. I'm just trying to help you out."
And this was all before I had met them.
Since that time, I have learned a lot about Will's family.
Through trial and error.
I do not always say what I am "supposed" to say.
I do not always do what I am "supposed" to do.
I am not really sure what that is to be honest. I don't have the manual. But sometimes I get the feeling that it might not be exactly what they are used to. This is kind of a scritchy scratchy feeling I get down my spine.
Oh. And the tight-lipped look I get from Will.
But after 5 years, I have also come to some realizations.
I am who I am. No, not Popeye. Thanks. I'll just continue.
For some reason Will picked me. And I picked him. I am not always going to be quiet when I see bad behavior or am forced to be in situations that make me uncomfortable. Not after my experiences. Not after my personal journey.
I could not be prouder to be married to my husband. I don't know a better father, a better son, a better man who is always striving to improve who he is.
This makes me extremely proud to be his wife.
And then I stop and ask myself...WHERE did he come from?
And I realize.
It's from those people he brought with him.
You know, the ones without directions.
HIS FAMILY.
And I am so grateful, to even be a small part of them.

It's Beginning to Look A lot Like...

2010-12-24T09:43:00.002-06:00

"Momma the toilet is broken."

"What did you put in it Keegan?"

"A lot a lot of toilet paper."

Holy shit. 3 inches of water in the bathroom. Not 20 minutes into our holiday break and the plunger was already out.

"Between you and Keegan, I use this thing constantly!"

Very funny, Will.

So our Christmas break is here. We are visiting Santa today. Keegan is worried that his beard will be too big for the picture. Really? How about we worry about YOU smiling like a regular little boy and not like a blind cartoon character? OH WELL..Maybe Will and I will sit on Santa's lap and get a decent picture together..it's been ages.

This will be our first Christmas Eve alone, just our little family. I am looking forward to making memories and new traditions.

Well, sans plunger.

Merry Christmas everyone!

By everyone, I mean you know, all of my family, my "few" friends and yes, all of my followers...........................................!

Be The First!

2010-12-15T16:24:00.002-06:00

I was not very popular in high school.
Really Melissa?
I mean you seem so with it. Who wouldn't want to hang out with you?
Shut up you.
So again, you can already tell that I was NOT the most popular girl in the class of 1990. I wasn't even the 10th most popular girl. If I was, I would have been one of the homecoming queen candidates or at least one of the runner ups..and I wasn't even that. I don't know. I think I'm one of those girls who secretly wants to wear a crown. I should just buy one and get over it. I know. I know. Again, I will work it out in therapy, don't worry. At least I say things out loud. I cannot be the ONLY girl who secretly wants a crown. COME ON! Okay anyway...When I attended my 20th class reunion in October, my 8th grade boyfriend didn't recognize me. I used to make out with him like a banshee (do banshees make out??) until he dumped me for Jody something-or-other because she was three years older, had a license and boobs.
I still don't have boobs and right now I don't have a license because it was in the wallet I lost. Dammit!
Anyway, at my reunion, which took me a week to get over, by the way, because it was like going Back to the Future but not as cool as the Michael J. Fox version, everyone said I looked so "different," and I felt HORRIBLE all night because apparently I must have been a complete DOG in high school.
Well I am sorry but perms and braces DO NOT last forever PEOPLE!!! Some people just have to grow into their teeth! Take that old 8th grade boyfriend!!
Where am I going with this? Oh I know..
I changed my blog template and now people can follow my blog. Right now there is this little icon off to the side that says: There are no followers yet. Be the first!
Which means: "NO ONE IS READING YOUR BLOG YOU LOSER! AND REMEMBER! YOU WERN'T A HOMECOMING QUEEN CANDIDATE EITHER!! DOUBLE LOSER!!"
And I shouldn't care because I KNOW this is just my stupid shit rambling.
But it would be nice if at least my dad was a follower. Or Will.
I mean "followers" is a little extreme. I am not starting a cult or anything.
Although if I did, we would drink a lot of wine and watch a lot of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. And I would NOT make anyone wear white tennis shoes. That is just GROSS.
Okay, so anyway...I am feeling extremely unpopular and unfollowed.
And now I can be reminded of that every time I look at my own blog.
I am starting to think I might just make up a fake name and follow my own blog.
Oh I just gave it away dammit. Now everyone who reads this will know what I am doing.
Oh wait. No worries.

So This Is Christmas...

2010-12-13T20:19:00.002-06:00

Dear Friends and Family:
Well, it's time for our annual fake Christmas letter!
Whew! Where to begin...let's start with the good news.
Maren Vada Williams was born on June 16th 2010 at 4:28 pm. She was an induced baby and that is the last time she has been prompted to do anything. Maren is her own woman. She loves food. She loves her brother. She loves to sleep.
Maren Vada has been an absolute gift to us. Having a daughter is one of the very best blessings God has given us.
As long as we're on the subject of blessings, let's talk about Keegan Michael. We like to call him "Keeg" "Keega" "Leega" or "Farty." He is the funniest, smartest, cleverest, silliest boy in the universe. He loves He-Man, Darth Vadar, Luke Skywalker, Bolt, frogs, elephants, dinosaurs, and all of his Grandparents. His dad is his best buddy. And he tells his mom that she's beautiful. He LOVES his Maren Vada. Keegan Michael is one of those little boys that "says the darndest things" and you hope you write them all down, but sometimes you are laughing so much, you forget.

You know, this letter is off to a pretty NORMAL start...why don't you just try a real one this year.

SHUT UP.
Let's talk about what's really going on..

1. I lost my wallet Friday and I have no ID, credit cards or make up. I KEPT MY MAKE UP IN MY WALLET!!!!!!(It was more like a wristlet...ok??? Not like a flat wallet..you know what I'm saying right???)
Do you realize if I leave the house, I have no way to prove my identity other than an old YMCA ID and no way to cover ANY blemishes?????????
2. While digging through the car yesterday desperately searching for said lost wallet, I locked the keys in the car.
I kept the spare key in the car too.
I KEPT THE SPARE KEY IN THE CAR TOO!!!!!!!!!
(Who does that?)
Sigh. I don't need anymore criticism. Thanks.
Will has completely stopped talking to me after the $65.00 payment to "pop-a-lock" by the way...
3. We have no family pictures for a Christmas card. I have attached the best picture I have of Maren and Keegan. MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like I had the children with Mr. Magoo.
Never mind paying a professional photographer. I HAVE NO METHOD OF PAYMENT NOW ANYWAY...

I am sure there is some humorous lesson in all of this.
Right?? Right???
Sigh......................................

Well, anyway, Merry Christmas Everyone.
I know. I know.
I will order new credit cards.
Will can take one of those "timer" pictures later this week, and I am sure people can live with last minute Christmas cards.
I am pretty sure he will be talking to me by March because we booked our honeymoon, and chances are he will want to spend it with me, and yes, I have learned my lesson about the spare key and the car...I know I know...
So, thank God for love, family, friends, laughter and health. Because through it all, I am blessed to have that.
Even if I feel like a complete dumb shit.

I'm Back!!

2010-12-11T15:36:00.000-06:00

Will wants the computer back, and I don't really have anything pressing that I have to do with it right now, but I am kind of mad that all of a sudden he just HAS to have it when he's been on the computer all morning so I am making up a nonsensical blog about nothing.

Be quiet.

I know.

Just like all my other blogs.

Go search yourself some craft projects. Hurry.

Okay. Everyone is getting jumpy in this weather because I have checked on facebook about 6 times and everyone keeps "status-ing" new updates. This is a sure sign that people need some companionship. If there is ever a WWIII, God forbid, and I really really mean that..I am NOT trying to be a downer, I am really really afraid of nuclear war and I hope that bombs drop right on our house, honestly..I saw that movie the Day After when I was in 5th grade and I have been scarred ever since..anyway, IF that would happen I really think people would have a super hard time adjusting to life without facebook. People have come to rely heavily on the "thumbs-up".

Okay, so what am I going to make for dinner except a really good glass of white wine?

I have ground beef and some cheddar cheese. I am thinking of some kind of enchilada wraps. I do not have chili powder but I have taco seasoning so check back for the "made up" recipe I am going to concoct.

All of the laundry is done. I cannot believe this because our laundry procreates like a.....ooooooh I want to something about the Duggar's here but I won't..anyway, our laundry piles up..sigh. But it's done.

Today I folded laundry and Maren watched. "You could at least fold the socks."

"Agggoooo.."

"Don't talk back. You aren't going to start that already."

She beamed an incredibly gummy drooly smile and I instantly forgave her. But I am serious about the sock folding. They're mostly hers anyway.

Now both children are napping. The cats are napping and Will keeps clearing his throat irritatingly waiting for the computer.

I keep typing LOUDER.

I am irritated that Gap is having a 45% OFF sale today and we are in the middle of a blizzard. How am I supposed to get to the Gap today?

EXACTLY! Mr. Gap President is exclaiming with greed-like glee! You can't!

It is nice to know that the President of Gap is the Grinch.

So I suppose I should hand over the computer.

I am just rambling to ramble and my friend Toby told me he tried to read my blog the other day but it was "too many words". There is no WAY he will even attempt this entry then.

I am sure I will be back later. Unless I start drinking. I can't type and drink...it comes out all slurry...

Cozy Day!

2010-12-11T13:01:00.001-06:00

It's the storm of the century. Well, I mean, since the last storm three weeks ago. We are absolutely snowed in WITH pull-ups and Will, this time, AND 4 bottles of wine. YESSSSSSSS!
Snow away, I say!
The only teeeny tiny little issue might be that this is a lot of concentrated family time.
We are not used to being home in the house all together like this. Normally Will runs to Menards 5 times, or I scamper to Target for more formula and perhaps a few Christmas knick-knacks, and so we at least get a little down time on the weekend. I am pretty sure neither of us is going ANYWHERE in this, and I am wondering how Laura Ingalls and her husband Nells, no wait that was the beaten down general store owner, what WAS Laura's husband's name?? or never mind, anyway, I am wondering how they made it through those LONG winters when they couldn't even snow blow out to the out house? Like how did they stand it? They didn't even have a basement to go to! I mean at least Will can hide down there and pretend he is putting plastic on the windows when I KNOW he is really watching Rocky IV for the 96th time!! It's okay, I'm not judging him...I am upstairs facebooking and online shopping at the Gap. Who cares? At least we have a little space from each other.
It's a healthy marriage
I bet Laura and Almanzo! That' his name. Boy I bet they really were glad when spring hit! He probably ran to the fields and didn't come home for months.
Anywayyy..I need to go make some scrambled eggs for Keegan because apparently Will thinks Keegan is hungry. Keegan has not said this but WILL did. Keegan is in the basement with him. I am guessing it's getting too crowded down there. "Honey, Keegan is getting hungry."
"Will he got up at 8:30. It's noon. He is NOT going to take a nap right now." Already Will is wishing for a break. It isn't going to happen. He should just resign himself to the fact that he is NOT getting to Menards and start drinking rum and cokes. He'll feel a lot more relaxed. I am opening some wine in abouuutttt 10 minutes.
Okay. Happy snow everyone!

Part 2...With No Husband

2010-12-04T07:36:00.002-06:00

It snowed about 50 feet last night.
Two swimmer diapers do not work like a pull-up.
I have a massive amount of bedding to wash.
I just peered around our Christmas tree that blocks that entire front window and realized we are completely snowed in because the plow pushed all the snow into our driveway.
I think the snowplow driver is either a: a bitter ex-boyfriend of mine or b: an old student who doesn't like me
We have 25 shovels in the garage so I KNOW it's my job to somehow get out there and shovel because starting the snow blower would probably send me to the emergency room or the mental ward. But what am I supposed to do with Maren? Baby Bjorn her up and take her with me?
YES I am sure in the olden days, women strapped their babies on and just went out and shoveled their way out of their huts, or whatever, but the thought of hoisting a 17 pound baby and snow at the same time just makes me want to gag.
I would have died after the first snow fall back in 1845 and my husband would have said, "Good riddance! Get me one of those hearty gals who can heft sh*t!"
I bet Will looked outside at his buddy's house and went back to sleep. I have already called him twice. He hasn't picked up. I don't really blame him. He knows what our driveway looks like.

We do have the most beautiful Christmas tree in all the land this year, and I have no way to show you a picture here on my vulgar language-d, personal, pointless blog because I took my camera to work to upload pics on my desktop and forgot it there.
We are going to have to videotape (oh I am sooo old school) the trimming of the tree this weekend. I love home movies, though, so it will give us something to watch in 20 years when Keegan brings home his girlfriend, whom I won't really approve of and we won't have anything to talk about and Will will be sending me "dagger eyes" to lay off the wine because I am starting to get a little too snippy.
"Sooo Jeanna..you didn't finish college and you want to open your own, I'm sorry what kind of boutique?"
"A shoe, nail, hair bow, and dog collar boutique."
"Ohhh, interesting, and you think that because my son is a doctor he'll just be able to support your little endeavor?"
Or you know some awkward scenario like that.
Meanwhile, Maren won't even be home for Christmas because she'll be in Zimbabwe on a mission trip with her college sociology club or something. "Mom! This is a fantastic opportunity! We are going to be re-building homes, schools, teaching them English, and how to knit their own scarves and blankets! All in a week!"
It's good to have high hopes for your kids, isn't it?
Anyhoooo, hopefully Will will come home soon. I really miss him.
Maren is taking her morning nap so truly I could go look at the shovels and see if maybe one of them might work for me.

All By Myself

2010-12-03T20:48:00.003-06:00

Gather round people for another tale from Mother of the Year: ____________!
Yes, we are out of Pull Ups! It's a blizzard outside; Will has opted to forfeit the 1 hour commute-turned 5 hour commute home for a night at his buddies house drinking beer, eating Chinese food and watching basketball, and so I have put Keegan in TWO swimmer diapers and put him to bed! YES! I am sure to win TOP PRIZE THIS YEAR for my ingenuity!
Speaking of which, a gal I work with said she won free Christmas cards for entering her blog on a photography website. This made me start thinking: I am good at, well, let's be honest, about 5 things: drinking wine, teaching middle school kids, raising Will-er, I mean raising my kids (okay I am NOT that good, but I am having a hard time of coming up with much right now...sh*t balls), shopping, aaannnnnnnddddd writing, so I thought I should explore some options on sharing my blog.
1. Your blog must not be personal.
Oh um, never mind.
2. Your blog must not contain any vulgar language.
Fuck. I'm out.
3. Your blog must have a point.
Crap.
So really I mean why even try? Total defeat.
I felt like a horrible horrible writer.
UNTIL....I started actually reading some of the mommy blogs....
"Here's a picture of my dining room table before the trimming of the Christmas tree."
What? Is someone reading this?
"I just don't think anything could get cuter than this."
Please say it's a child. Please say it's a child.
Nooooooo. It's some sort of weird craft project she made out of votives, glue and construction paper.
(Too much time on my hands..I've got too much time on my hands. Remember that song? Oh yes, it WAS a song in the 70's because I heard it riding around in the backseat of my dad's new Honda, circa 1977).
Oh God, kill me now...

Look, I know I am not Hemmingway, and don't get me wrong, no one is reading this, I KNOW, you don't have to remind me, but seriously, when I started looking at who was getting their stuff onto some of those sites..it just made me all the more want to say: Yep, I have no fuckety fuck fucking point to anything I have to say..so fuckety fuck fuck fuck it!
Because I am pretty sure that is more entertaining than a fucking emtpy dining room table or weird papery votives.
OH YOU KNOW I AM RIGHT.
BIG BREATH IN.....BIG BREATH OUT....
Okay..so you know, JUST to see what would happen, I DID enter my blog into the photography contest...and low and behold..
I won..well..if I post three sites on my blog in the next five days and explain how the photography website has changed my life. (????????????????????)
Apparently I have a lot of time on my hands to do this, so the children posing in my free 50 Christmas cards will be fake because no REAL mother could possibly have the time to WRITE all that with TWO SMALL children in her house..thus eliminating the chance that I will actually win the contest..way to go photography site..you just saved yourself the money!!!

In the meantime..be on the lookout for a site that will take my "vulgar" Mom Blog..because I know there are moms out there like me who are nice women but also have a cuss streak.
It doesn't mean we aren't raising darling children.
Case in point: Keegan is in our bed tonight because Will isn't coming home and he keeps coming out here wondering when I am coming to bed.
"Did you eat yet?
"Yes."
"Well then when are you coming to bed?"
"Pretty soon."
"Ok, thank you."
Thank you???!! He THANKED ME!!
That is some good parenting right there people! Oh alright..it's probably day care..be quiet!

Mental Health Day?

2010-11-17T08:17:00.003-06:00

I have a doctor's appointment today so I took a "mental" health day. So far I have been drinking coffee and e-mailing people at work.
THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING ON A MENTAL HEALTH DAY!
Look, I can see if I was Rachel Zoe and got paid millions of dollars to dress celebrities and I just breathed, lived, ate my work, you know, because I MADE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND WAS FAMOUS.
But somehow, the fact that I need to get on my school e-mail at 8:30 in the morning when no one gives a piss where I am and I won't see six figures in my salary unless I start adding in the thousandth point (behind the decimal is what I mean for all you math people) makes me think I should probably take this mental health day seriously.
In work news, because I have to get it off my extremely flat chest, we are giving tests this week to measure how much our students have learned in the first trimester. I am enjoying (NOT) watching us all run around like our heads are cut off examining the tests now and exclaiming: "Well what the eff? THAT wasn't on the learning targets! Why is there a question on THAT?"
Two days before the test.
OHHHHHHH...you bet your sweet little patooties that behind the closed doors at my school today teachers are FEVERISHLY cramming information down the throats of students like Will feeding Keegan his green beans.
"No Daddy! I am tired of eating!"
"Two more! Just two more! Stormtroopers eat all their green beans!"
"Stormtroopers don't have teeth!"
God he is so smart! I LOVE that boy!
Anyway, I personally think it is the measure of an EXCELLENT teacher if you can cram and jam information into 12 year old's heads long enough for them to take the test, make yourself look like "supreme teacher" and then let all those jumbled facts fall out of their heads as they are leaving the room after the test! Great teaching everybody! Whoever came up with this idea is BRILLIANT!
So in any case, you can see that my students are taking the test as is, and when they haul me away to "bad teacher jail" at least I can say: Ask them if they can write a complete sentence with compound subjects and helping verbs! Oh and adjectives! They know adjectives!"
But it isn't on the test, so again, I am a bad teacher.
Truly, in my heart, I believe, like every initiative in my district, it will fall away to the next district initiative when they hire someone else to take the place of the someone else who took the place of....you get my point. In the meantime, it is making for some really good writing material and some EXCELLENT happy hour book titles!

Okay on to more fun things!
Maren Vada might be the sweetest baby on the earth and I am not exactly sure where she came from because I didn't think that I would get two sweet children. This must mean that Will and I are doing something right. Either that or they have really good daycare.
In any case, she is sleeping through the night, gobbling bananas and cereal and LOVING listening to books and playing with her brother.
I am so excited for her first Christmas! I am so excited for her first everything (pretty much) and now that we have settled in as much as we can to having two, it is so fun to watch them together. I am looking forward to every stage. Okay, I am not going to lie: I am ready for her to sit up on her own. We keep practicing, but she topples over like a weeble-wobble after about 24 seconds. (I timed the other day.)
Thanksgiving is a week away and I know my mom is already panicking because I always leave everything until the last minute. I do not get stressed about Thanksgiving dinner. Here's why: IT'S THE SAME DINNER EVERY YEAR!
It is not like I am cooking veal Marsala for the President of the United States for the first time in my life.
I AM MAKING THE SAME DAMN TURKEY I MAKE EVERY YEAR!
But this year, in order to make her happier, I vow to go over the weekend and get everything we need instead of waiting until Tuesday night when the turkey should already be thawed out. Ooops.
And I may even buy my own hand mixer this year so my mom doesn't have to bring hers.
Look, I do not NEED a hand mixer for anything I cook. I just stir really fast.
The only time I ever need it is for making homemade mashed potatoes and I ONLY do this (oh let's be honest, SHE only does this) when she comes to my house for Thanksgiving.
You know if it were up to me, we would be eating the kind out of the box.
1. Will and Keegan could care less. They love any kind of mashed potatoes: real or imagined.
2. I barely eat mashed potatoes.
3. If Thanksgiving dinner could just be wine and cheese, I'd be a whole lot happier.
But, to really impress my mom and make her see that yes, her 38 year old daughter has really got her sh*t together hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha
I am going to be on TOP of this Thanksgiving meal this year!
Complete with the salad recipe below: (good segue)

1 bag lettuce (use whatever you like or cut up your own head of lettuce if you have the time-hahahahahahahaha)
1/2 cup of Craisins
1/2 cup of Gorgonzola Cheese Crumbles ( I end up using more than that but I LOVE cheese)
1 small bag Walnuts
Shredded carrots (if you get the bag of lettuce with carrots, you have saved yourself some work! But that lettuce isn't as good as say, butter lettuce)
Kraft Raspberry Vinaigrette Dressing (Light) Or go for Full-it's up to you. I just like to save my calories for wine.

My mom rinses and spins her lettuce, even the bag kind. I TRY to do this, but if Keegan is pulling at me to play puzzles and Maren is screaming for bananas then screw it, no rinsing
Place lettuce rinsed or unrinsed in large bowl
Top with craisins
Carrots
Gorgonzola Cheese
Walnuts
Douse with dressing. You choose how much!
TOSS!!!

I think you should eyeball your ingredients. Some people like more nuts, some people like less. If you come from my family, you like more..hahahaha! Just a little joke! Okay. So there's an easy salad and you could always add more stuff: cucumbers, tomatoes, etc. I just like it simple though.
Hard to believe I am sure!

Let It Snow Let It Snow..

2010-11-13T14:13:00.005-06:00

We woke up to 4 inches of snow..I kid you not..
"Mom! It's snowing! It's snowing on our house!"
I love the first snow.
I hate the 34th snow...
And I hate pushing my shopping cart through the unplowed parking lot, but I digress...
Will is outside snowplowing for the first time this season.
We have already made our annual family trek to Menards to buy a new shovel.
I am pretty sure we have about 23 shovels in the garage, and I believe secretly that Will is wishing I would pick one up and help him outside, but I am busy blogging here, so I can't possibly right now.....
I love Menards at Christmas time. I know it is November 13th; it isn't really Christmastime, but this is a woman who wore the hell out of Halloween so it's time to mooooove along.
Anyway, Menards has PURPOSE to me at Christmas the other 10 months of the year, I can find NO earthly reason for Menards. Will finds a purpose for Menards six days a week. Look, this is FINE with me; he could be down at the local strip joint or bettin' on the "horses" so if he wants to make daily excuses to buy another kind of hammer at Menards I say "Go for it darling!"
Anyway, Keegan is already asking for his little lighted Christmas tree for his room and he picked out the BIGGEST and UGLIEST plastic swirly green sparkly lollipop to hang on our Christmas tree, which we won't chop down for a good 'nother month, but let's just get in the spirit anyway!
He only tried to bite the fake candy once before he realized it "really really is pretend," and now he seems content to "just pretend," but there is green glitter all over his lips, and he still won't let me wash it off.
Will bought him a sled that I swear is as long as I am, so I am guessing we are all going sledding in the backyard later.
Maren has a brand new snow suit complete with "fur lined sherpa" hood or whatever, so she will be extremely warm, snuggly and stylish..the only thing that is bothering me is that it's PURE WHITE so if we put her down in the snow, we're going to lose her..(note to self: do not put baby down in snow.)
All in all it's been a really great Saturday and I am so thankful for my family every minute. Even when Will won't let me buy another snowman decoration. Why can he buy another shovel but I can't buy another snowman? Sigh.

I am even making a new chicken recipe which I will leave for you here. I have decided to make my blog useful to the crazy working mothers of the world. Because I KNOW I am not the only one out there. I just know it. I just might be the most vocal.
Well, someone has got to speak out..Remember Sally Fields in that movie..oh you know the one I mean...I am kind of like her..
Okay never, mind here's the recipe:

Bruschetta Chicken Bake
14 1/2 oz can diced tomatoes
6 oz pkg. herb flavored stuffing mix (I am using chicken
flavored, seriously, does it REALLLY matter???)
1/2 c. water
1-1 1/2 lbs. boneless, skinless chk. breasts,
cubed (am not sure if I will have time to cube, may
just throw them in their whole..we will see)
1 c. shredded mozzarella cheese (I am out of enough mozzarella so I am
using mostly sharp cheddar, think it will give it zip. I am SO Top Chef-hahahaha)

Combine tomatoes, water, and stuffing in bowl.
Stir until moistened (ugh I hate the word moistened); set aside.
Arrange chicken in lightly greased (I use PAM Olive Oil Spray, who uses Crisco anymore?? GAG!! ) in a 13X9" baking pan; sprinkle with cheese. Top with stuffing mixture. Bake, uncovered at 400 degrees for 20-25 minutes, until chicken is cooked through. I am guessing if I don't cube, it's going to take longer.

I am going to make garlic cheese bread, salad, and asparagus risotto from Trader Joe's because Keegan will eat a little if I tell him that He-Man eats asparagus. I wish I had bought red wine, phooey. Am NOT going out in snowstorm for red wine. That would officially make me a problem drinker. Will stick to glass of white and be quiet....
Hopefully this recipe will help another Working Mother Just Trying to Keep Her Shit Together..Oh how I wished those letter spelled something cool so I could make a cool coffee mug....................

A Teeny Bit of Wine, Conversation, and A Song???????

2010-11-07T14:16:00.004-06:00

The babies are napping; Will is running his man errands and Ernesto is drunk as a skunk...yes, it's just another peaceful Sunday around our house.
The reason I know that Ernesto is so drunk is that I saw him bring a table outside about five hours ago (it's 2:15 right now) and techno music poured forth from his basement..nts..nts..nts..nts.. (that's the techno beat)..anyhooo...why NOT get hammered early?? Right?
Last night I went to my girlfriend's 40th birthday party..it was fun to be out with a bunch of ladies..that I didn't know very well..
1. I could say anything I wanted and no one would judge me.
2. OF COURSE they would judge me, but I wouldn't care as much because I wouldn't see most of them again.
3. I could do a lot of starting at other women and listening in on their on conversations and not appear rude.
4. OF COURSE it was rude but I didn't care because I wouldn't see most of them again.
5. Conversation: " Well my husbands kids visited the museum last weekend and they just don't pick up after themselves."
"You call your house the museum?"
"My husband calls it that."
"Why don't you make his kids pick up?"
"They say they don't at home."
"Oh they're lying."

Of COURSE they're lying! They just HATE that they're dad lives in a MUSEUM with a new wife.
OOOPS but I didn't say that out loud!

6. Next conversation: "When I die someday will someone make sure all the sex toys are cleaned out of my drawer when they auction off my house?"
WHAT???????????!!!!!!!
"Of course we will!"
WHAT????????!!!!!!!

Old dead woman with a drawer full of sex toys..gag.
Should not have eavesdropped.

7. "I believe every woman should stay home until their children are three."
Oh shit balls.. I stopped eavesdropping and just dropped in. You know I did.
Me: "Yes, that is wonderful. If someone has the ching to stay home. By all means, stay home. Thankfully I am surrounded every day by women who cannot stay home. This makes it much easier to leave my small children, and go off to work where I have to spend all day with children your children's age. Didn't I eavesdr- I mean hear you say that you have an 8th grader?"

We did go to a wine tasting. I have never been so sober. The wines were all Minnesota wines. There is a reason why Minnesota is not known for its wines. There is a reason why people go to the NAPA Valley...not the Minnesota Valley, if you catch my drift.
But it really was a fun night and it was good to get out and be with some fun women that I don't normally get to see. I think women don't do this enough for themselves. We get so caught up mothering and working and wife-ing that it's a good break to just throw off your cardigan and cut loose with a bad version of "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain in a tent full of women at the wine tasting! I am NOT saying anyone I KNOW did that....I am just saying, you know it MIGHT help get out some of that pent up aggression that I have been hanging on to......................................

and I feel a whole better today!
(wink wink)

I Get Knocked Down But I Get Up Again..

2010-11-04T15:49:00.004-05:00

I love my children and husband more than anything. I love coming home everyday because my blood pressure lowers about 25 points.
You know how they say that petting a cat in a nursing home keeps the old people happy? I think it's the same thing when you work at an effin' insane asylum like I do..I come home and pet my kids and feel instantly better.
I did NOT always work at Manic Middle School..It USED to be one of the top 100 middle schools in the country..I am pretty sure we are like -57 now.
EVERYONE wanted to work at my school. We were the snooty snotty "too good for all the rest of the middle schools in the district" middle school.
And then the Mr. Waternooses and Randalls of the world took over the district and it's been shits-ville ever since.
The really sad sorry part is that I AM A MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHER, BORN AND BRED.
It's my degree. It's my passion. It's my philosophy. I am pretty sure I am still 12 somewhere deep down inside. At Miserable Middle School, all the good exciting passionate loving snuggly funny charismatic creative parts of middle school have been taken out back and shot.
Sometimes when I am really low I go around the school and find the dinosaur teachers (who are some of my best friends by the way) and ask them to tell me stories of how it used to be. Mind you, I was THERE for some of it... I just like to hear them tell it.
It is a really sad sad time right now in education. It's sad for me because the new teachers have no idea what it used to be like. They think now is NORMAL, and those of us that are mourning the loss of what we had are considered ancient or disagreeable or negative or "unwilling to change". At 38 years old, I am unwilling to change. Yes, you're right. I don't like being forced into meetings or forced to "create". I am pretty sure creative people don't have to do this other places do they? I don't know..maybe on a serious deadline at Disney (Jesus! Cars 2 is out next summer! Can't you draw Lightning McQueen any faster???) But I really don't think that's us as middle school teachers. Serious deadline. 12 year olds in the balance!!!! I guess I am just a horrible horrible disagreeable person. I don't like teaching to a test that doesn't match the state standards and doesn't count towards graduation. And yes, you're right. I don't like that I may be judged someday for merit pay which may come down to how my students score on tests.. hope you're going to take into account that my classes are half special education students. Because I am busting my ass everyday to meet THEIR needs, not yours.
Sigh.
My classroom is still a relatively funny happy place. We just don't have any windows. I am pretty sure I was given the worst room in the school on purpose. Again, trying to kill my spirit. We'll see.
I am fourth generation teacher here. That's pretty hard to completely snuff out.
In any case the year continues and I have to remember..there is fun in dysfunctional...right? There has got to be a way to move the mandated meeting to the bar.............

It's My Blog...I'll Write About It Here I Guess...

2010-10-31T19:18:00.005-05:00

I am sitting on our stairs with a glass of wine, front door open so the trick or treaters won't ring the doorbell and wake the baby up. They are still ringing the damn door bell. I am RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU!!!!!!!! Sigh..Oh well..
I bought the Twilight Turtle today and I love it more than Maren does so I am pretty sure I am going to have to get one for our room. I don't think there is anything better than falling asleep gazing at the stars....
Keegan and Will are dressed like Darth Vadar and Bobbo Fett (again don't mind the spelling it's phonetic) and are roaming the neighborhood.
It must be about 20 degrees out, but Keegan is so bulked up in layers, he could withstand the elements if perchance we left him outside accidentally on purpose if his sugar high bothers us too much or his whining..I'm NOT saying we would do that or anything, I am just saying he's prepared, you know if there was an "accident".....
Okay so the run is over and all in all I am pleased with the outcome, as I did not hold up "the largest parade held in Minnesota every year" and I am NOT going to go on and on about my time and the course and my breathing and my shins and the terrain and the...no I'm not..well, of course I am..I am not facebooking, I have to have my "me" outlet just like everyone else on the planet:
There were a shitload of people running and it took forever to get around the fairies with wings. When I hit the mile marker I was disappointed to learn I had only run a mile. I can RUN more than a mile..I was just disappointed..that's all. When it was all said and done-
Just a minute I am being interrupted a lot by trick or treaters..and I am sorry but I am pretty sure I just gave candy to a 35 year old man. Is that okay? Go the bar, dude.
Okay, so all told, fine race. Time: 27:05. Status: 4 months after giving birth. Proud of myself: extremely. Very happy until I google good times for 5k's last night: 18 minutes. ARE YOU EFFING INSANE??????????????
Who wants to run that fast? Are you on fire?????????
Note to self: stop googling about running.
Have now had 5 students at the door. This could be good. This could be bad. Good: They will bring me presents on holidays.
Bad: They will tell the kids who hate me someday where I live and set our house on fire. Good: Kids do not hate me this year. ( I don't think. I am Ms. Jump around the room funny teacher. Am not pregnant and hormonal and need a drink teacher like last year.) Bad: Admin. hates me because I speak my mind and I work in East Berlin. Idea: Dig Tunnel from classroom to home: home being West Berlin, that way can just move smoothly from good place to good place. OOOOOH am remembering that movie about the East Berliners who dug a tunnel to West Berlin and the tunnel collapsed on them..horrible story. Never mind.
Am getting jumpy now as I watch my 3 1/2 year old and my 34 year old eat their loot. Small one is getting a cold and does not need any more sugar. Big one has been kind of crabby all weekend due to I am not sure what and I am pretty sure sugar is NOT what he needs..
No trick or treaters for 10 minutes. I am closing up shop here soon.
I miss my dad. I love this blog. I am writing again. Amen. Read the book of James. It helps tremendously. Well, okay maybe not to blog, but just in general. Look, where I am at right now, I need all the help I can get. Remind me to write about my mom soon. Boy am I thankful I have Linda..not so thankful that I inherited her upper lip..Maren is blessed in the lip department..Mom and I have NO upper lip..but anyway..another blog..I'm going to find that turtle..I love red wine..
shut up shut up..go to bed..

Run U Mother!

2010-10-29T18:39:00.006-05:00

Good God.
The roofing men are done.
For now.
What a friggin' lot of racket.
And they are using our bathroom because I am sure renting a dumpster and a port-a potty would be wayyy more than our budget would allow. WE ARE NOT RENTING A PORT-A POTTY FOR TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!
Okay so tomorrow I am going to run in this Halloween run and apparently it starts 10 minutes before the parade..uhhhh..it's 3.1 miles..I am thinking I am NOT going to finish before the parade starts, and I am sorry, I don't remember last year. Did people run during the parade? Did the parade not start until everyone finished? Shit.
Is everyone going to be pissed because I am going to come scraggling by and all the kids are going to be crying for candy and floats and it's me that will hold up the parade?
Should I just not run?
See this is why I quit facebook..because right now there are people on there "whats on your minding" about their 500 mile races tomorrow and how "super ready" they are because they have been "training like champs" in Boulder for the past 3 years or whatever.."Just check out my super great posts on all my hours of training" while I have shlepped through one 28 minute run this week and drunk two bottles of wine and three beers in 5 days. WELL, I had some help with the wine, I had friends over!!!!!!!!!
Okay so back to the run..fine, I can run. It's like what? Half an hour? I am used to that. What I am not used to is holding up a parade...shit.
Tune in tomorrow to see if my middle school's band runs me over. I am sure my principal won't have any problem directing them to do that.
Maren is asleep and it's 6:44. Will took Keegan to get something for the roofers, but it's pretty quiet up there, so I don't know what they could possibly need in the dark? Flashlights? Are they going to roof in the dark? Are we liable for someone falling off the roof?
I had to dress Will in his Halloween costume this morning. So not only did I have to get two children dressed for daycare I had to get my 34 year old husband dressed in his Bobbo Fet costume. Do not mind the spelling. I was never into Star Wars.
Look, it's a little irritating when you're already late for work and your other half whom you rely on to be somewhat mature is nagging at you: "Can you just get my cape? Can you just get it?"
"It's not a cape. I think it's a cloak. I am pretty sure it's a cloak."
Sigh.
"Well take a picture. Here take a picture while I hold my laser gun. And can you get my power pack on over my holster? It's stuck."
Lord. He is so high maintenance.
So tomorrow we will all be at the parade. And Maren is NOT going as a flower. It is too small for her head. The flower part, I mean. Apparently she was chewing on it at daycare. So she will be a lion instead. AND I will put a bow in her mane so people don't mistake her for a boy.
My friend Moriah is dressing her daughter in a frog costume so we both already feel better. These are both costumes we had from our first born boys so we are in the same boat. Look, we are paying for two kids in daycare. We will suck it up and deal with some public humiliation tomorrow at the parade. "Oh what a cute little lion. He is darling." or "Oh what a sweet frog. You must be so happy to have two little boys." Blah blah blah.
It isn't going to be any worse than:
"Mommy! That woman is running so slow she made the parade late! I want to throw a rock at her!"

Dumpster Dreams

2010-10-28T16:52:00.002-05:00

"Mom, who gave this to us?"
"Ah, no one gave us the dumpster. Dad had to rent it."
I love that Keegan thinks someone would buy us a huge ugly red dumpster that takes up our whole driveway and needs to be transported by a garbage truck.
But I am thinking that the dumpster is going to come in handy..you know I mean as long as we are paying for it, can I like dump anything I want into it? Like stupid assessments people with 1/16 my teaching experience are telling me I have to give my students? Or can I put some credit card debt in there?
Can I put a student from 7th hour in there, just to run around a few times until he's ready to settle down? OH I am just kidding!
Anyway, I LOVE throwing shit away so it's going to be GREAT for cleaning out the house.
"Hey, where did that box of old tapes of mine go of every basketball game I have ever played in since I was 2 that my dad gave me the last time I was home that will cost $45000 to convert to DVD since we don't have a VHS player and they don't even make VHS players anymore?"
"Oh I don't know.."
"Hey, um, did you see that shirt that I bought, you know the one I like to wear when I go "Country" with Bennie at the bar?"
"Nope."
"Where are my BOOTS?"
"Dunno."
This dumpster is going to be sweet.

A Quickie!

2010-10-28T16:11:00.002-05:00

I love that my last two blogs have such creative titles...all that happened was that the ellipses got longer..ahahhahaha.
Boy I must really be in a funk.
On my way to pick up the babies.
One will probably still be in his Darth Vadar costume and the other better not still be in her flower costume because it's basically a green sleeping bag with a flower head and she likes to move around a lot and will be really mad if she is all bunched up in there still...I will get the brunt of her anger too.
There is a gynormous dumpster in our driveway. I thought the mattress on the deck was bad back in Hicksville..this is worse. But at least we are getting new shingles on Saturday. I am sure Ernesto is going to be really jealous and he will spend hours smoking on his deck staring at our beautiful new tri-colored shingles.
He has the time, believe me.
Okay so off I go.
NO idea what I am making for dinner and have only run once this week and am supposed to run a 5K this weekend. Have quit facebook indefinitely because I cannot stand reading when everyone posts how many times and how far they are running. I am NOT jealous, I actually just think it's weird. If you want to keep a running log, go nuts, but if facebook is your exercise journal..........I don't know...it seems a little obsessive and a bit me me me..come to think of it..that's why I quit facebook. The whole thing was me me me..
But Melissa isn't this whole blog about YOU?
Shut up you.
This is about me right now and at least I am writing again.
Oh shit now I am late.
Okay off I go.
What can I make tonight with ground beef and catalina dressing..Yum Yum..Think we are ordering pizza.

Sigh.......

2010-10-27T19:45:00.006-05:00

Keegan loves skeletons.
He is not afraid one bit.
Right now he has a huge paper skeleton hanging on his bedroom door and he snuck skeleton lights into the cart at Target today.
"For Christmas!"
"We are not hanging skeleton lights on the Christmas tree."

Will is gone late tonight but I spent 20 minutes hanging skeleton lights in the kids' bedroom.
My precious baby girl fell asleep to the glow of skeleton lights. I am sure this is #1 in the Bad Parenting rule book.
I can hear the sirens of the approaching police cars as I type.
Here's the thing, though. Keegan is NOT into the scary, he's into the SCIENCE. He is actually fascinated with the bones, and I say if this is step 1 in getting him into Med school than by God I am going to buy him every freakin' skeleton between now and Johns Hopkins. No lie.

My muse has been on vacation for awhile and it wasn't until tonight when my friend Karen came over and questioned the flowers that I purchased last week at Trader Joe's that I had placed IN a vase, but just hadn't unwrapped yet...that I had even really realized I might be able to put a sentence together if I just unwrapped the flowers. Obviously I still can't. That was the worst run-on I have ever seen.
I am a bit tight right now and like the flowers that were still confined in plastic after a week, I am enveloped in layers of sadness...so it is a bit like swimming through muck to even get anything out..
I know I have a beautiful family that is loving and steadfast. I know I have true friends. I am trying to understand things in another part of my life right now..and this isn't really the format to write about it..I guess I'll have to start a super secret blog. I think what I am coming to understand more than ever is that what I do for a living is so completely tied to who I am, and I have to decide how I am going to get through this bleak, completely wrong, completely dysfunctional time.
The wonderful part is that I have very sane, very smart, very right people around me.
I am going to lay with Keegan tonight and look at his skeleton lights and let him hold my hand.
"Momma, know what? I love you. Wanna smell my teeth?"
"Yes, Keegan, I want to smell your teeth, and I love you too."

Sigh..

2010-08-29T07:55:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I start workshop.
I hate that word. It makes it sound like I am going to make something like a picnic table or something.
I am NOT. I am going to sit on my arse in meetings all week while district people get paid big bucks to tell me how hard they have worked on "new curriculum" this summer, which really is just so they can save their high paying jobs and not have to go back into the classroom and teach like we do because they are truly scared sh*tless of kids..but anyway, that's just me b*tching a little.

I am really sad to leave Maren for good at daycare and even though we had a trial run last week, I know now it's the real deal. I am glad that she is with Keegan all day and it is so cute that she KNOWS that's her brother and watches him like a hawk...especially when he's whining. Quit watching him so closely. Quit it!
It's reassuring that they're together.
But it's still hard.
Look, I know I can't be a stay at home mom. I watch my neighbor who doesn't work. She smokes on the deck. Works out at the Y. (How do you smoke AND work out?????? Doesn't that kind of negate each other????) And then sits on the deck again. I THINK she has a baby but I don't see it much....
How much better would I be, though..Drink on the deck..Work out (oh yeah right) shop on-line, watch the neighbor smoke..blah blah..
So I know I need to work, but no one wants to leave their new baby, it's just plain sad.
Tomorrow will be a hard day. I am ordering pictures of Maren as we speak to hold on to all day.
Here's the bright side. The day will end, and I will have a baby to come home to and rock...I still have lots of months of that to look forward to...

You Can't Fool Me

2010-08-27T16:03:00.002-05:00

Okay, I see now..I understand.
Allll this time I have been panicky about Keegan not starting school until the ripe old age of 6, you know because his birthday falls in the spring, and he is small for his age, and I would rather have a slightly older more mature school-aged child, than an immature turd like some of my 7th grade boys...
but I get it now..I understand why there is all this buzz around me about kids starting school younger and younger:
BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR DAYCARE ANY LONGER THAN THEY HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shit.
It has NOTHING to do with the genius they think their child is. They are just sick and tired of writing a check every month that equals their house payment.

So the next time someone talks to me about how little Avery is sooooooo smart and she is just sooooo ready to start school even though she is only 9 1/2 weeks old.. I am going to say "Bullshit. You just wrote the first daycare check for two children and it scared you senseless."

Well, me too. When can Maren start first grade?

It Is What It Is

2010-08-26T14:30:00.005-05:00

Well, my neutering didn't work right.
Of course it didn't Melissa..because boys get neutered, girls gets spayed..yes, true.
Okay, so my "spaying" didn't work.
Ol' Doc H. bragged he could Essure me under 5 minutes..
TWO HOURS LATER...I was leaving the office, limping, bedraggled and NOT spayed.
Apparently I have a weird fallopian tube, and really I am not going to bore you with the details but he tried to jam that coil up in there for a good half hour and IT HURT LIKE A SON OF A BITCH...imagine a thin poky wire inserted in your you- know -where and coming out your nostril..yep..that's what it felt like..
Finally he just quit..
"I am just going to quit here."
"Wait. What? What do you mean? We're not done. I mean, am I done? "
"No, we're half done, but it's just not working and so we're going to do this another way."
See, here's the thing. If I were a doctor. And I AM NOT. I would just like to finish up a job right then and there. But doctor's spread stuff out. So now I have to go again somewhere else, so they can knock me out so he can jam the coil wayyyyyy up there because it was just to much to do while I was awake. Does this sound like it's getting a little more complicated then Will getting a vasectomy..a little snip snip and a bag of frozen peas on his balls for three hours? I think so.
But back to finishing the job. Look, Doc, knock me out HERE and finish it HERE because I am already looped up on Vicodin and the CALMEST I have ever been in my life (note to self- save other 2 Vicodin for emergency situation, like when Will announces his next trip with Benny to Vegas) and just jam away..but of course not.
So, we are home, and I went to a garage sale down the street and spent 75.00 on holiday decorations. I also announced that I was home from a "procedure" and coming down off of vicodin to the woman running the garage sale..clearly I have no filter right now..however, it is a moving sale, so it really doesn't matter what she thinks of me because in a month she'll be out of the neighborhood.

I am finding that most things for Will and I are not working the first time right now..NO we are fine in THAT department keep your mind out of the gutter..but it seems like anything we purchase doesn't work right, anything we do in the house, anything new with the kids is just a cluster the first time through...case in point, today's slick smooth permanent birth control that "only requires an office visit" and a two hour pain-filled session and your doctor saying things like: "it just won't, I just can't..see if you can just..one more little.." while your body shakes uncontrollably and you wonder if your uterus has shot across the room.. AND now a hospital visit..(all these things are mentioned in fine print)

But here is what I am thinking. I am thinking that God is doing this so that we are just able to DEAL better. Because I am not getting so worked up anymore. And NO I am not taking more than the prescribed amount of vicodin. I mean I just know when something doesn't go right that there is a reason and a solution, and even if there isn't a solution right then, there is a bright side. I have started looking a lot more for the bright side of whatever is happening. And then I focus much more on that, rather then the crappy thing that's happening. It sounds so cliche' but when you are lying on a doctor table, knowing you are having a procedure done that takes away your ability to have anymore children, and then it doesn't go right, it makes you question whether or not a message is being sent to you...

So I just focused on my baby Maren's sweet chubby-cheeked face and her smile and Keegan's laugh and his voice, and I prayed for strength and I felt instantly better. I thanked God for Will being with me today..it's weird, I know, but there was a pink flower outside in the woods that I could see from the window where I was lying and I just kept looking at the pink flower..and I was sad, you know because I knew something was coming to an end for me......
" Just breath out through your nose and in through your mouth.."
SIGH.
"I will pass out if I try that Dr. Heegaard, so I think I will just try it the other way, if that's okay, with you.."
Small titter from assisting nurse.
Honestly, he IS a good doctor..I swear...he's just a little nutty, really....

So it has been a screwy weird day.
I know that today is just one of those things. It is what it is..you know? It could be a ton worse..and at least I got some really great holiday decorations....

Pillow Talk 2

2010-08-24T22:21:00.002-05:00

Will gets home late on Mondays and Tuesdays so I put Keegan to bed on those nights.
He will NOT go to sleep until his dad has talked Star Wars with him. Even if Will didn't show up until 2 am Keegan would be there all Go Dog Go-eyed (See Dr. Seuss book) waiting for his dad to Jawa talk. Weird just weird. I am convinced that Will has been waiting his whole adult life to have a son to talk Star Wars.
Then again, I have waited my whole adult life for a daughter to talk Doll House so I guess we are even.
Tonight though this is the conversation:
Will: "Keegan did you like having Maren at daycare today?"
Baby sister's first day at daycare. I only cried seven times.
"Mom what's wrong with you?"
"Nothing I am just a little sad. Mommy has to go back to work today. But that's what Mommy's do. They work."
What a total lie. There are like 7 Mommies around here who sit on their arses while "Boyfriend-Daddy" or "Ex-Daddy" pays the bills, but I don't tell that to my precious son.
"Momma is Maren coming to daycare today?"
"Yes. Won't that be great? Won't you love that?"
"I'll show the kids how to pet her."
Awesome. Better than I'll show the kids how to step on her. I'll take it.
Anyway, back to tonight..okay...
Will: "Keegan did you like having Maren at daycare today?"
"Yeah, we had chicken nuggets."
I am assuming my daycare provider did NOT give my two month old chicken nuggets and stuck to the prescribed formula.
"And Mommy broke the candle."
DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
What happened to the Star Wars talk???????????? DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, I broke the glass centerpiece tonight..lifting it out of the way so he could watch Dora..another Mother of the Year moment..shut up..
I had to feed the baby during dinner..
Glass shattered everywhere..perfect..screaming hungry baby..perfect...glass on the floor. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
"Mom, I think you did that."
Yes. Yes. I did. Thank you, Keegan.
So I cleaned that whole debacle up and I thought it was forgotten. Never to be mentioned again. Nope. Ol' Loose Lips was just waiting...
Well that's just fine..two can play that game...some day he'll have a girlfriend..and I'll have noooo problem just casually mentioning how much he liked petting his sister..

Keeping Up With The..

2010-08-24T17:48:00.005-05:00

As I get older, I get smarter, well, in my own mind, at least.
There are a lot of pressures in this world. I like my small world. I am trying to keep things simpler and simpler. Calmer and calmer. I am so glad to be 38.
I am sure Will is reading this and saying "WHAT? Just yesterday you were begging for Botox!!! What is wrong with you???"
Will, in my MIND I feel peaceful. I still want Botox-just a little.
Keeping up with the Jones' is an exhausting job. Have you met these people?? Sheesh
They are smarter, skinnier, savvier... They have a better, bigger, house, a better, newer, gadget, a hotter wife, a better hairstyle, a nicer boss, a better behaved child, more money in their bank account, a better way to save, a faster time, blah blah blah. The Jones' are really the SUPREME couple let me tell you...
I can honestly say I am not interested. That has been a long time coming let me tell you. I used to be too interested!!! I followed the Jones around with my tongue hanging out. I wanted to BE Melissa Jones. Ask anyone. But now I think I can say I have never been more in love, felt more thankful and blessed... (okay except for not fitting into my old jeans..I am JUST being honest!!!!!!!! Damn Mrs. Jones and her skinny ass jeans...)
I like keeping up with the Williams', really...they're enough to keep me busy..one needs to be fed as we speak, the other just got dropped off at daycare, of course we couldn't leave until we found Darth Vadar, (he was under the covers still, apparently he gets cold at night-who knew???) and the third one is convinced we can get to the State Fair on Friday to see Boyz 2 Men if we really really hurry. (How old are YOU Will? I swear I married a 15 year old..which is gross if I am 38..but kind of interesting if you're keeping up with the Williams!!)

Pillow Talk

2010-08-13T21:34:00.002-05:00

Sometimes Keegan does not go to bed very easily. Will and I have to tag team.
"You take her and I'll take him."
"Jesus, just..never mind. Just go downstairs. "
NO NEVER MIND! I'LL DO IT! NO NEVER MIND!!"
"FINE! YES! JUST..FINE! WHATEVER!!"
I mean we are so in sync, it's just beautiful symmetry, isn't it?
Usually it all ends in great romantic sex, too. Ahahahha.

So a lot of times one of us will end of up "laying"with Keegan for awhile..tonight it was me and I am not kidding you I was about to sleep in the garage if he screamed "ONE MORE MINUTE" for his dad to play with him, so I stormed into his bedroom and this is what I got:

"Mom why are you using that face?"
"What face?"
"That bossy face."

and so began 10 minutes of really fantastic pillow talk. Here are two highlights:

"Keegan what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"The Tin Man."

and:

"Mom when I grow up and go to school I am going to use the bossy face."

I love him so much I could just cry every single day. Thank you God, thank you for the gift of Keegan Michael.

Mini Me and the Really Excellent Driver

2010-08-13T09:09:00.007-05:00

I just put Maren on the table in front of me in her bouncer and let her crab-talk herelf into sleep.
If babies could people talk she would be bitching up a storm: "I am so g*d damned tired. I cannot get comfortable. This acid reflux is driving me nuts. Why don't I have any g*d damned hair yet? Have you seen these wrists? I am going to have to diet for three years to get rid of the fat on these wrists!" Sometimes she reminds me of an old Jewish woman...
I just love her to death. I cannot get enough of my daughter. She's like a mini me!!! Remember Dr. Evil...when he's carrying Mini Me around in the Bjorn?? THAT'S US!!!!! Only she hates the Bjorn so far. But you know what I mean!! She is just the end all! I am just so in love with her!!!!!!! By the way, I will get to Bjorn's in a later segment.

Okay, I am scared shitless to take my written driver's test. And by the way, JUST because I did not go and renew my license does not suddenly mean I have forgotten how to drive and need to be tested again. JUST because a billion people go and pay their license renewal fee and get their picture taken every four years, does not make them all COMPETENT to be on the road year after year...does it??? Do they just naturally assume that I am a bad driver because I got lazy?? I have seen a lot of lazy looking people on the road. You know who I mean.. That woman in the green Alero with the cigarette hanging on her lip and the dented kleenex box in the back of her car window. Or the old guy in the '96 Toyota pick-up who hasn't shaved in like a month. Old dusty kleenex box. Stubbly beard. Isn't that lazy??? Look, the truth is, I just liked my picture and I didn't want to get a new one taken. Do not mistake vanity for laziness Department of Motor Vehicles!!!!!!
And if I do not pass, what is going to happen? Are they going to strip me of my driving rights? Am I going to have to call a taxi every time I want to go somewhere? WAIT. Could I get a driver? That might not be so bad after all. There is so much I could get done!
And I could drink in the car!
Okay okay I am getting off the subject.
So I know I have to take this test and Will is ABSOLUTELY pissing in his pants he is loving it so much.
"Maybe they'll make you take the driving test too."
Wait. What?
Because see he doesn't realize that I did NOT pass my driving test when I turned 16. (I mean he has seen me drive, I am sure he can guess.) I passed the written test with flying colors because I studied for like 3 weeks straight. Look, I was a very studious girl in high school. This is probably why I was not up for homecoming queen. Oh I doubt me passing my written driving test has anything to do with it. But I like to blame it on something! Okay back to this..BUT I DID NOT pass the driving test the day I turned 16 and it was the biggest tragedy of my life. Well dammit you try to parallel park a 1987 Pontiac Parisienne between two tiny f*cking orange cones and see what happens.
My mom divorced the owner of that vehicle by the way. Good riddance.
So I am feverishly studying the Driving Handbook that my mother sent me because she is panicked I won't pass and then she'll have a 38 year old daughter with two kids without a license. I know this scares her because she lives up north near a reservation and it will just remind her of all the Native Americans she sees that have lost their licenses to DWI's that have to walk everywhere.
Well, I am sorry if that sounds cruel, but I know that's what she's thinking!!!!!
Look, Mom, I am just going to hire a driver. No one will ever know I didn't pass. And you won't have to worry about your daughter looking like a drunk from the Rez or whatever.
So I will keep you posted. If I don't pass, I will have plenty of time to blog from the back of the car.

2010-08-12T12:17:00.003-05:00

I'm getting neutered in a couple of weeks, except that I am telling everyone that I am having a "procedure".
This way I don't have to have the whole ethical or moral or whatever kind of argument with everyone about whether or not I am sure about not having anymore kids. Because I am. I am sure.
I am 38 and I am done and sure. I love Maren and Keegan more than life, but did I am mention I am sure?
I am also sure that I don't want Will to have a vasectomy because I should not tell him what to do with his penis..wellllll...to an extent. You know what I am saying. I have various rights over his junk, but not when it comes to medical "procedures" unless they are purely cosmetic. Then I am going to get involved.
If something were to happen to me or to the kids (oh this is awful, I am not going to write about this much more) then he can go have a whole other family and I hope he just loooves his new life. But I will haunt him, we all know this.

Okay so back to being neutered.
Here is what worries me. When my cats got neutered they developed these distinct paunches. Whenever Sylvester walks he jiggles. Some (Will and his buddies) refer to these excess stomach bulges as FUPS. Gross.
If I develop a FAT UPPER you-know-what, then I am getting a personal trainer, and I don't care how much Jillian Michaels costs to fly into Minneapolis!

Today I ran to Target while Maren slept (yes I brought her with me) after having coffee with a friend who is 39 weeks pregnant and desperate to deliver. Been there sister!! I forgot to mention that dancing to Vanilla Ice might help..I need to call her later.
Anyway, needed to pick up my prescription. The most darling little girl behind the pharmacy counter helped me. I mean she could have been on Broadway starring in Les Miserables..she was just THAT beautiful and innocent looking.
"You have two prescriptions actually."
Holds up the first bag.
"Yes, that's mine."
Holds up the second bag.
"IS THAT VICODIN???????????????????" Vicodin? Vicodin?? Vicodin??? Can you hear the echo through Target?
"Uh, yes it is."
"Oh I uh, I uh I just don't take it, you know normally and I uh I am uh having a procedure and the nurse said she would call it in but uh I don't need it for another two weeks. I uh..am I uh supposed to have it already?"
Apparently before my neutering I have to take vicodin. Look, I feel like a drug addict. I feel like I am picking up illegal narcotics. I feel dirty. But I also started wondering if I could sell the extras on Craig's List and make a little extra cash.
"Are you Mrs. Frederickson?"
"What?"
Darling little pharmacy helper looks at me sweetly.
"Were you my 7th grade English teacher?"
"Oh uh maybe, you know yes, probably, but uh, you know I uh I uh I don't take Vicodin or anything...aha aha ahha."
God. I am just a complete knob sometimes.
So made small talk with former student while paying for my narcotics and made quick get away.
Now have whole months supply of same drug that celebrities get hooked on...
Coming up next:
My expired driver's license. No lie. It's been expired for a year. Shut up you.
I am turning into Lindsay Lohan right before your eyes.

You're Killin' Me Smalls

2010-07-30T12:40:00.004-05:00

Today there was no daycare.
A few weeks ago this would have panicked me to no end, but as my post-partum dissipates, I am able to see things more clearly.
Namely that one day home with both my children will not break me.
Well good, you say, since you decided to have two.
Shut up you.
Anyway, this morning was garage sale day. I say this not because every Friday is garage sale day, I am just pointing out that I went to one. I do not normally do this. NOT because I am against them. I am all for them. I just have small children and I stand behind the fact that any kind of shopping from malls to other people's garages is NOT something I like to do with children.
But I said I would go, and my friend Vicky is the garage sale guru.
Unfortunately my darling son was not in the mood for perusing other peoples used goods.
It started the MINUTE we got there.
"Carry me."
We are having issues with the carry me bit lately. He sees Maren in the stroller and he wants to stroll as well. Everyone has told me we need a sit and stand stroller or whatever the shit it is and I am finally being broken and will need to purchase one so that he can sit or stand or whatever the hell he will NOT do the minute we have it. This will make the grand total of strollers at our house five or something and the total price about $1000. in effing strollers purchased. Gughh. And we haven't even taken a honeymoon yet. Shit balls.
Okay so back to carry me or more like:
"Caaarrrrrrrryyyyy meeeeeeeee.."
"Keegan you can stand."
"I can't. My legs are broken."
What the f*ck?
I am starting to sweat because there are about 150 people at this "Mega Garage Sale-Don't Miss It!!" and now they are all starting to stare at me as I pick through the GIRLS CLOTHES 12-18 months (you know I am planning ahead for next summer! Well geez they're like $1.00 a piece-it's a deal!!) and wondering what kind of a rat ball mother I am that would break their son's legs.
"Keegan your legs are not broken. Momma is looking for some nice clothes for baby sister while you and Emperor Zurg stand right here. Aren't you glad Emperor Zurg came with you?"
"I caaaannnn't waallllkkkkk. My legggggs are brokkkkkennnnn."
Gugghh.
Now I am using my "calm down the EBD 7th grader who just kicked the poor nerdy kid in the balls" voice and struggling to pick my son up while STILL clawing through the clothes because I will be god damned if that mother wearing the platform sandals is going to get that Gymboree sweater priced at $.50 before I do!!!
Meanwhile Vicky is out front with my beautiful baby daughter who has just pooped her way into next week. But it doesn't end there. Of course not.
Because Keegan has just announced HE has to go potty.
What?! At a garage sale? There are no potties at garage sales!! Flea markets maybe..but garage sales?? Well yes.. I suppose technically because this is someone's house.....
God please get me out of here..BUT not before I get those Gap pants that will fit her RIGHT now! And a steal at .$75!!!
Vicky finnagles a woman into letting us into the house. It's a whole weird situation with the Grandma watching us like a hawk and making Keegan use kleenex instead of a towel to dry his hands but I don't really give a shit. Her house smelled funny. She should worry about that, not who's using her guest towels.
Okay so we get out of the mega sale in one piece. I get lots of goods for a mere $21.00 and we make it home. I bathe Maren because basically she is up to her armpits in poop. And I get out the markers and coloring book for Keegan so that he can color while I feed her.
I feel like supreme Mom. Everyone is occupied.
Until the first marker drops to the floor, followed by another and another.
"Mommy! Momma!! I need my markers!"
"Keegan get down and get them. I am feeding your sister."
"I cannnnnnnn't my arms are broken."
You are kidding me right? This is a joke. Will has Keegan on an ear-piece and he's piping him these one-liners, right? Yukking it up with the boys at the office while I flail about at home, right? Because this is just wayyy too much. Except that Keegan is at DEFCON 2.
So I get the friggin' markers.
All's quiet on the western front for about ten seconds...
"Mom, I want grilled cheese."
Wait for it..wait for it..
"Keegan I can't my arms are broken."
Yesssssss.......
But you know I made it anyway. That's how much I love him.

Ahh...Life..

2010-07-29T11:31:00.006-05:00

Apparently the meal I made last night gave my husband the shits.
"That thing you made last night gave me the shits. Oh I gotta go...I'll call you later..Ooooh..I gotta go."
Great. So all the Top Chef I have been watching while feeding Maren has done no good.
Not that I got the recipe from Top Chef. Who the shit has time to make something that complicated. I just APPRECIATE all their hard work..
You know, I think it could be the beer he drank last night with his new best friend the NEIGHBOR...apparently Dan has had a falling out with Ernesto and now he thinks Will is God's gift..great. So now Will is over there at night sitting by his bonfire and reliving Dan's childhood memories because he and Ernesto aren't speaking. You know, I don't need Will taking Ernesto's place. I am going to figure out a way to get Dan and Ernesto back together before Will takes up smoking, vodka shots, and starts letting off firewords at midnight...he doesn't need to get so chummy.. He has responsibilities.
So.. Keegan is hooked on Toy Story 2. Mater is out. Emperor Zurg is in. Except that his arm fell off yesterday. NO NOT Keegan's, Emperor Zurg's, and Will spent about 30 minutes last night trying to glue it back on. Finally he resorted to masking tape, I think he just gave up because he was so tired from "socializing" (yes, I sound bitter) and so when Keegan woke up this morning Will had already left for work and I got the job of explaining to Keegan that Emperor Zurg had a cast on his arm for a while. "Don't you remember? Rex pushed him down the elevator shaft with his tail and he broke his arm? And now he has a cast?"
Look. You try to get a three year old to believe you at 5 to 9 when he has to be in the car to daycare in 2 minutes. You will resort to lying too.
I am impressed that I know all the characters in Toy Story 2. Perhaps it's because we watch it 3 times a day right now. Look, you would too if you had a cranky six week old who never wants to be put down and glares at you if you even THINK about putting her in her crib for five minutes. I mean she GLARES at me and then she screams. Don't tell me that babies don't know what they're doing because she DOES. She has it all figured out.
This weekend we have Will's 15 year class reunion. I am very excited because we are leaving the children here (Yes, all by themselves because we can't afford a babysitter, BUT we can afford to drive to Wisconsin and party..OH I AM JUST KIDDING!! GOD! RELAX! MY PARENTS ARE WATCHING THEM! WE ARE NOT FROM MISSISSIPPI!! OH RELAX PEOPLE FROM DOWN SOUTH! I AM JUST TRYING TO BE FUNNY!! I WILL QUIT! ) and going all by ourselves overnight. This means we can stop as much as we want, or not at all. I could be drunk by 1:30 if I want..I could sleep the whole way there. We could stop and have sex at every rest stop. Oh I hope my dad doesn't read this! We could skip the reunion, check into a hotel and sleep for 24 hours straight!! Oh the possibilities!
The great thing for me is that no one knows me! None of the women can compare the pre-pregnancy Melissa to the post-pregnancy Melissa! Who cares that I haven't lost that last 9 pounds! No one will know!! I LOVE it! And no one will ask me the annoying: "So what are you doing now?" question!!! Because no one will care what I was doing then!!! YES!! I will just be the spouse! Who cares about me??? NO ONE!!! I LOVE IT! I can just get quietly drunk in the corner with the other husbands and talk about the upcoming Packer season! (Note to self: Bone up on the upcoming Packer season)
So, I will check in after the weekend. I have learned however that whenever I get too wildly excited about something inevitably it does not live up to my expectations, so I am going to just be subtly excited for the weekend and see what happens. And I plan not to cook anything the night before so that Will is in tip-top shape. Sigh.. I don't know what happened with my dinner!! Honestly..

The 5 S's

2010-07-20T13:31:00.003-05:00

Harvey Karp is a fucking genius. If you don't like the word fuck you should go read another blog.
Anyway, Harvey wrote The Happiest Baby on the Block.
I am skimming this book.
I do not have time to read it.
I have two small children.
Screw you.
Anyway, the theory is 5 S's. Babies need to be shushed, swaddled, swung, and shit..NO that is not one of the S's, but I can't remember the other two right now and frankly it doesn't matter because the shushing and swaddling are working great..OH sucking!! That's one of them! We are using a pacifier!

Anyway, Maren is very fussy and gassy and we have her on Zantac for babies and new formula and special bottles and now I am wrapping her like she's in a straight jacket and shushing so loud in her ear that I get dizzy..but it is working.. so I if Will comes home and I am lying passed out on the floor and blue around the lips, but our baby is sleeping soundly, I don't give a shit. I DO NOT. I will sacrifice some brain cells for a sound nights sleep.
Ok so I hear her and the swing is almost out of time because I have it on a timer and so I better go, but I just want to say that Will will be wholeheartedly invested in the 5 S's once he sees that it works.
Maybe the last S is sex. I haven't gotten to the end of the book.
Let's hope it is. I bet that's the whole point of the first 4...once you get the baby to sleep..thennnn.........

Snap shots

2010-07-19T09:40:00.014-05:00

In the past few weeks we have had some major storms. The kind where I have taken Keegan and the baby and hidden under the stairs. I am deathly afraid of storms. I will hide under the stairs at the first blowy wind.
The good thing about our house is that under the stairs is the perfect place to store things. This is where I have put out of season clothes, toys that Keegan isn't playing with, old photos, and the two pounds of Easter candy that makes him nuts.
The bad thing is that he found it during one of our recent storms.
"Momma look!" As he started to pull apart plastic eggs.
Shit.
"Chocolate!"
"Well you might as well put on your bunny ears while you're at it."
So Keegan, Maren and I sat under the stairs while the rain and the wind howled around us, and he ate old Easter candy while we wore our bunny ears.
"It's dangerous out Momma but I'm happy because I have chocolate."
This is a happy memory for me in the past month. I wanted to write it down so I remember it because I didn't have my camera. Well, who remembers their camera during a severe thunderstorm? "Quick get under the stairs! Just a minute I need my camera! We might have a great photo opportunity!" Jeez, come on.

In the past month there have been many happy moments of course, but there have been some real shit moments too, sorry, and if I could have just hidden under the stairs, you know, just set up a little cot down there and looked through all the old pictures I've packed away, it probably would have been a good idea. This is probably not what I am "supposed" to say after the birth of our beautiful daughter, but I am kind of tired of what I am "supposed" to say, but I will get to that. Maybe. I don't have a lot of time these days.
Let's talk about some happy memory snap shots. Because right now, I only have time to think in snap shots. I will get to that too. Hopefully. If I have time. No I won't, but it was a nice thought.

Happy Snap Shots:

The morning I was induced with Maren and the hospital called us to see if we were on our way and we were stuck in traffic. Who is late to their own delivery and gets a reminder call?? We do.
And during my very long shaky day, because the epidural gave me the shakes (note to self: do not become an intravenous drug user).
Will ate bugles and read Sports Illustrated, while I watched HGTV.
He was calm as a cucumber by the way.
My grandma always ate bugles at happy hour, and so I kind of felt like maybe she was there looking down on us.
And then after I delivered all I wanted to eat was salty foods and paint our bedroom ceiling brown or move to Turks and Caicos. Weird, I know.
And then three of my very best friends showed up at the hospital because they just couldn't stay away and that was like the very best gift to me that I have people that love me that much.
And Will made me take a picture of him with Beth while I was in labor. You know, just to prove he was there.
And Will has always wanted to coach and he did the very best coaching ever when I had to push and push to get our little pea of a daughter out. Even though I couldn't feel a thing, and who knows if I really pushed at all. I tell you what, they don't call them painkillers for nothing.
And the fact that Dr. Radio couldn't be found AGAIN when I was close to delivering and I threatened the nurses to call his radio show for the rest of his life with stupid questions if they didn't find him. They found him. AND he even got rid of a mole for me.
"You know, as long as you're numbed up, do you want me to get rid of this mole down here?"
"YES!"
OH WHY COULDN'T HE BE A A PLASTIC SURGEON TOO DAMMIT??? I could have had so much work done that day.

But there have been a lot of hard moments and I think I have been afraid to write them down because I don't know who reads this anymore and so if I write them and I am brutally honest, than what are people going to think of me as a mom and a person? Well screw you judgmental people out there! This blog is for me. Because that's why I started writing it in the first place back in sticksville. Stop reading it, if you have a problem with it. Go read someone else's blog.
Having another child is HARD. No one prepares you for two. I have yet to find an honest book with the title: One is a piece of cake. Two is a fucking circus. I am going to write that book by the way.
I am sorry. One was an adjustment. But TWO is fucking nuts.
And I happen to have the three year old who is not so sure he wants to share his parents with anyone. I don't think he plans to throw his new sister out with the recycling next week, but I am pretty sure it has crossed his mind.
Add to that the fact that she only started sleeping more than 2 1/2 hours at a time in the past three days, one can only imagine what that has done to the two adults in our house.
I understand why sleep deprivation is a form of torture. I do. Because about 5 days ago I would have spilled my guts about anything and everything. And I have known some pretty deep dark secrets about people in the past. Do you know that apparently my neighbor has an STD? SEE?? Look what I just did?? (Ernesto had better never get a hold of this blog.)

Anyway, Will and I have not been as nice to each other as we should have been and I think that's hard for two people who spend most of their time being pretty nice to each other and most people around them. Notice I didn't say everyone. Look, some people just piss us off.

This week Keegan had the WORST ear infection I have ever seen, his ear literally dripped green goo. Our washing machine broke two weeks ago, our garage door stopped working, and our precious baby daughter lost all the hair in the front of her head so now she looks like George Costanza from Seinfeld.

I have not even begun to talk about her acid reflux. Her fussy time from 6-10 or the fact that Keegan has decided he doesn't want a bath, dinner or to go to bed at night. Three things that used to go without a hitch.

Our world is no longer even one bit our own or normal.
I am not bitching. I am telling the straight truth people.
But I am going to end with a few positive things.
Last night Maren Vada slept through the night.
Will and I kissed good night and meant it.
I know my marriage will survive this and our kids will too.
I love saying "our kids"
I love my husband for giving me "our kids"
And Dr. Radio is still a pretty cool guy for taking off that mole.
Who DOES that????

On Your Mark, Get Set..

2010-06-15T16:14:00.005-05:00

Okay so I saw Dr. Radio yesterday and this is exactly what he said to me: "So what do YOU want to do?"
WHAT??!!
This was not the question I was expecting. I had kind of thought we were past the "let's make a decision" phase and into the "let's git r done" phase.
But then I remembered that it had been 4 days since I'd seen him and he has no short-term memory, so I didn't feel so bad.
"I, uh I:
want to wear normal pants
want a drink
want to run again
want my hormones normalized so I don't feel like ripping someone's head off
want the body of Kim Kardashian
want to stop waddling and peeing every two seconds..."
But I DID NOT say any of these things.
I said: "I'd like to have a baby now, please."
Which if you think about it will then faciliate all of the above..well, except for the Kim Kardashian part, but in my 40's I am not going to be afraid of plastic surgery.
So he scheduled an induction and tomorrow June 16, 2010, we will arrive at the hospital at 7:30 am.
IF they have room for me.
So you can see that I MIGHT be a little nervous because 50 women could go into labor on their own and I would be SOL..
I don't even think I could bribe one of them into sharing a bed: "Look, my husband will slip your husband $100.00 and you can just scoot over. I am not that big.."
No, I am going to have to wait for my own space..
So I am thinking positive thoughts and still WAITING. I have done more waiting with this baby than I ever dreamed..I mean she even has other people waiting around for her..I hope this doesn't go to her head, and I hope she doesn't start hogging the bathroom because there are 3 other people in the house, and we can't all be expected to wait every time she wants to do her hair..M- get out of that bathroom right this second your brother has been waiting to take a shower for 20 minutes and he's going to be late to school!!!!!!!! I mean it! Out!
See, just practicing.
So I will keep you posted and really I am just rambling because I am nervous and anxious and I want her to come out perfect like Keegan did. It's scary..the unknown. Normally I like a little bit of thrill, but I could really just use some normal "everything is just great-ness" right now.
Either that or just knock me out and wake me up when she gets here.
I will keep you posted!
The almost new mom..

Mornin' Mr. Mucous Plug

2010-06-14T07:05:00.003-05:00

I love that Al Jareau song. And no, he doesn't really sing about mucous plugs. I am just trying to think of a catchy title but maybe it's just a little gross.

It is 7 am. I got up at 6:30. I could have slept in, and really it's probably one of the last times I will be able to sleep in for a year unless we find someone to take our kids for a weekend. Oh we will..we will..
Anyway, I am so excited not to have to go to school, I can hardly stand it. This is the first summer I am not working in about 5 years, and I feel like a free woman. Until I give birth later today.
Just kidding. I am not giving birth today, probably.
I did lose the all important "mucous plug" yesterday and there is not a grosser term on this planet. Well, maybe except for the word FUP, but I digress.
"What excactly is the mucous plug?" Will asked all interested.
"Well, think of the cork on a bottle. Now think of the cork coming lose. Now picture me drinking that entire bottle of wine..wait..that was not part of the medical explanation. Never mind."
"Did you save it?"
"Wh- What??!!"
"I want to see it, did you save it?"
"Oh Good God, no. I am not fishing something crude out of the potty just because you have some weird " little boy" fascination with the gross. Just ask the Dr. to keep the placenta for you this time."
See how gaggy this blog is getting?
Anyway, I go to see Dr. Heegaard today and I KNOW he is around to deliver because I checked in with his radio show last night. I wanted to make sure he was back from his weekend away. I almost called in just to give him an update on my plug, but decided that was a little much.
"Hi um, this is an anonymous caller, well, I'll just say it..It's Melissa, Dr. Heegaard, and um, you know I know you're busy handing out advice on your show right now, but I just wanted to let you know that I'll see you tomorrow, and um, you know I lost my mucous plug."
God. Just what 5000 listeners need to hear.
You can kind of tell I am excited about it though, right? I mean it's not every pregnant girl who has their Ob on the RADIO. (You thought I was excited about the mucous plug-ha ha, tricked you!) He's probably met Kortney Kardashian or at least one of the Real Housewives! Maybe I should have called in. Everyone has a mucous plug at one time or another right?
Oh I will just give it a rest. But go back and count how many times the term mucous plug was used in this blog and win a prize!
Okay, so hopefully the next time I write I will have some news about the longest pregnancy in history. Namely, mine.
Happy Monday!

Just Another Day..

2010-06-12T08:34:00.003-05:00

It is Saturday and my brother-in-law is getting married today. I am at home, missing the wedding, and feeling a little blue. I don't like missing big, fun famiy events to stay home with my elephant. Elephants have a gestational period of two years, apparently. I am giving birth to an elephant, although the trunk did not show up in the last ultrasound, so maybe I am wrong and just touchy these days.
Keegan is wearing his tuxedo today, and I pray that he just makes it down the aisle, and my mom can whisk him away before he says too much to anyone up front. I don't think the pastor wants to hear about Frank the Combine while he is trying to marry Zach and Megan.
My step-dad is here to "watch" me in case anything happens. I made him watch the Real Housewives of New York reunion last night with me, and he got pretty twitchy. I am wondering if he was wishing he was back home in the woods. Sigh.
Anyway, I was instructed not to do anything that would bring on labor this weekend. I think it's telling that all of a sudden Will is subscribing to that theory when he's gone, whereas while he's been here, he hasn't believed any of my old wives' tales.
Monday I am OFFICIALLY 39 weeks (yeah whatever) and going back to see Dr. H. I think he is going to try to move things along a little on Tuesday or Wednesday because when I saw him Thursday and grabbed him by the neck, he could tell I am a little desperate to be done.
Which is an interesting phrase, because there is nothing "done" about finally having the baby is there? It's really just the beginning.
I am so thankful to be finished with the school year because if I had to see one more sympathetic face or hear, "Still here, huh" one more time, I was going to punch someone, and our principal doesn't like me anyway, so hitting her wouldn't have been a good idea.
Today it is a cloudy and overcast, and I think I'll go shopping. I can only really shop for baby clothes because I REFUSE to buy anything else that would fit THIS figure and who knows how long it's going to take to wear anything with a real waistband again. I also am on a real knick knack phase. But I know Will will kill me if bring home any more glass birds. So maybe by the next time I write, there will be some real news. Either that or I will update you about what Bethenny said to Jill at the reunion special because that's more interesting than me just waiting around.

Continued

2010-06-08T18:20:00.002-05:00

Will just e-mailed me. He read my blog and doesn't like my dancing.
"You fell up the stairs yesterday. This is not a good idea."
Well, I also turned on the automatic hand dryer with my stomach the other day in the ladies' room, but I don't see him saying anything about that.
Besides, I already danced. Too late. And it's not like I was dancing ON the stairs..sheesh.

I Would Walk 500 Miles..

2010-06-08T15:34:00.002-05:00

So I am 38 weeks and 4 days.
If you go by my REAL due date from the doctor, I am 38 weeks and 2 days.
I prefer my made up due date. I am sorry, but when I THOUGHT I was due June 12, I couldn't convince myself to go with the June 21st date after our ultrasound in the fall.
Now as I get closer and closer, the 21st is easier to stomach. I will let you knee slap about the stomach comment, as anyone who has seen me recently, can't help noticing I look like a fat Kangaroo.
I cannot even begin to tell you how ready I am to have a daughter to carry around instead of what feels like a 30 pound watermelon.

Sadly, I am so desperate to be in labor, I went to You Tube today and watched a woman in her 40th week of pregnancy do the Ice Ice Baby song because apparently 8 hours later she went into labor.
I am downloading the song as we speak and I have enough time to get two dances in before I have to get Keegan. Just shut up.
I have also logged enough miles walking that you think she would have fallen out by now. I have tried spicy foods, sex, (poor Will just feels used), and pineapple. I even jumped up and down today. Yes, this is desperation talking.
I think what has made it so difficult to be this far along is that Keegan came at 36 weeks. That's like over two weeks ago! I am feeling overdue and that's just dumb, because I am NOT..but I am sure that's why I am having a problem.
So this was just a short blog to myself, so that I don't forget in two years how I was feeling on June 8 2010 with no baby in sight.
Speaking of baby, my song is downloaded. Gotta dance!

Won't You Be My Neighbor....

2010-05-15T21:39:00.004-05:00

Do not color your hair in the last five weeks of your pregnancy. I think hormones affect hair color. I have orange hair. I look like a pregnant Bozo the clown.
I am not sure if my stylist didn't NOTICE that my hair was orange or if it changed color on the way home, like one of those Generra Hypercolor sweatshirts from 1987, but in any case, I should wear a lot of hats for awhile.
Will is at a bachelor party this weekend.
Ernesto is having a party at his house right now.
I wasn't invited to either one.
Look, I GET that we are not popular with those neighbors. I don't particularly think that I am neighbor material anyway.. I work with kids and adults and parents and quirky administrators all week. I do not need any more people around me when I come home. I also don't need to be friends with the binge drinking neighbors. I do, however, feel a little like that "unpopular" high school girl who never got invited to the cool parties, even though they weren't that cool, and usually ended with the cops showing up and kids puking in the corn field..Maybe I have SOME experience; I did get invited a few times, you know.
Anyway..it's just that I don't like that they think we are so WEIRD for not liking LOUD BASS PUMPING music at all hours of the night. Why does this make ME weird? I do not like when I start to question if I am weird or not about something that to most people is just kind of a no-brainer. I KNOW I am weird about plenty of things; I don't think this is one of them. This also tells me that we are better off living in the country and hoping no drunk kids are passed out in our corn field. YES, I think it's possible to live in the country without raising corn, just be quiet.
I am 35 weeks yesterday. Keegan arrived at 36 weeks. I do not feel like this is going to happen with my daughter. I feel very much like she is going to take her sweet a** time. Already we are having mother-daughter issues. "Come out now! Come out!"
"I am NOT coming out MOTHERRRR...you are always telling me what to to do and I am CAPABLE of making my own decisions."
I can just hear it now.
Really I am just excited and anxious. And I don't remember what it's like to wear pants with a zipper.
I don't hear much coming from across the back yard. I just peered outside. Now I am the unpopular peeping neighbor. Gag. And they are still having a party in the dark on their patio. They all smoke, so at least they can see each other when they inhale. Oh great, now I am an unpopular peeping critical neighbor. I am going to bed. Maybe I'll make friends with the neighbors in our next neighborhood. High school kids are pretty decent, aren't they?

Just Another After Bath Conversation

2010-04-28T19:22:00.002-05:00

Body parts are high interest at our house right now.
"Daddy, you're a boy."
"Yes, I'm a boy."
"I'm a boy too."
"You are."
"Mommy's not a boy. Mommy's a girl."
"Yep, Mommy's a girl."
"You have a pee pee."
"I do."
"Mommy can't wear a pee pee. She has a Gynet." (pronounced Gi-net) And apparently guys now "wear" their penises like socks. At least in the mind of my three year old.
"She does have a Gynet." Thank you Will.
"Tommy doesn't have a pee pee. Josh has a pee pee." (Two BOYS at daycare..or so we thought....)
"That's encouraging."

Zoom Zoom Zoom

2010-04-24T19:09:00.003-05:00

So Will bought a new car today. And his friend bought a new car too. They went together and bought new cars. Does this seem weird to you? It seems a little weird to me. The only thing I have ever bought with a girlfriend is about 4 bottles of wine at happy hour, and maybe some shoes if we were at the mall. I don't know, I am just trying to figure the whole thing out.
Granted, I think we need a bigger car for him, because if the baby and Keegan would both be sitting in the back of the Subaru, he would have to sit with his knees under his chin and I would have to control the pedals..it was probably time for him to upgrade..but the whole "car buddy" thing is just, I don't know..weird. I think they got different colors. That makes it a little bit better. If they got the same color, I don't know, I might worry it was more than just a work relationship.

So I went today and purchased Will's birthday present while I was in a healthy state of mind, so I hope he'll be pleased. Anything will top that shirt I got him post-pregnancy last time..I think it sat in his closet with the tags on it for like 2 years. "Are you ever going to wear that shirt I bought you for your birthday right after Keegan was born? I mean I know the material is a little rough, but.."
"Oh, yeah." Long pause, staring out the window. "No, no.. I am never wearing that horrible shirt."
At least he was finally honest and I bet it fetched a nice price at the Salvation Army.

Today it rained ALL day..I love rainy days when Keegan takes a long nap, so I get a long nap, and my douche bag neighbor buys a liter of vodka, binge drinks, passes out and leaves The Black Eyed Peas on HIGH BASS for three hours. Sigh.
Ernesto has been a thorn in my side ever since we moved here. He will be the reason we buy a different house. And we are going to have to figure out how to get someone to BUY this house someday when he isn't around or any deal will go right down the toilet. Would YOU want a binge drinking, mole harvesting, music abuser for a neighbor? I didn't think so. We have a few years to plan out our strategy, but it worries me...Maybe I could lure him away during a showing with vodka-filled shot glasses all the way to a dance club..hmmm...like Hansel and Gretel..just a thought..
I saw Dr. Heegaard the other day. I just love him. I love my OB. I don't LOVE LOVE him, but I like love him a lot. Is that weird? No weirder than buying cars together. I mean if Dr. Heegaard and I bought cars together, then yes, that would be weird. I agree. But you know what I am saying right?
The only thing that bothered me was that during my baby check-up he kept patting my shoulder in a sympathetic way..WHY? WHY are you doing that Dr. Heegaard? Do I look that BAD? I almost asked him.."What's up with the patting, do you know something I don't? " but I just left it alone. He has a nice pat.
Well, 32 weeks and counting! Here we go! The home stretch. Literally. You can figure that out for yourself!

Continued...

2010-04-16T19:40:00.005-05:00

Ok so I'm back. Will and Keegan are watching Max and Ruby. I love those damn rabbits. The only thing that freaks me out is that there are no parent rabbits. Gramma Rabbit shows up once in a while, but otherwise Ruby is pretty much in charge of Max. I don't know. I don't think I'd be comfortable letting my young rabbits ride the city bus by themselves. And why is Ruby such a good gardener? She's like 7 isn't she? It's a little disturbing. I feel like they might be abandoned and living in that house by themselves..Okay I digress.
So Will came home very proud of himself because he has figured out APPS on the new phones. He didn't mention anything about how to dial, but he can make his phone sound like Darth Vader's light saber, and he downloaded an APP that's a metal detector.
"See!" He exclaimed proudly waving his phone in front of his belt buckle.
"You are a a tool."
I don't think he liked that.
Anyway, I am trying to get my friends and family to just call me because then I can call them all back from the "Missed Call List"
"No, no! I am not going to answer when you call. I just need you to call me."
I am SURE that's going to go over well.
In other news, I have Facebook jealousy. There is some girl who keeps posting to Will's wall. Who IS SHE? And her picture is annoying..it's one of those "I am pressed up soooooo close to my girlfriend's face and we're holding drinks!" pictures that we all have about a thousand of from high school to age 30. Around that time, people are starting to take smooshed up pictures with their kids, or they don't even bother with themselves and just take the picture of their kid.
Anyway, I decided to leave a little 'ol wall message for my hubby, in the hopes that Annoying Facebook Girl will realize his status is MARRIED. I wanted to write: See you naked in an hour, my HUSBAND who I have had one child with and am ridiculously PREGNANT again with OUR SECOND" But I don't feel that great naked right now, and I am afraid if he would have seen it, he might have believed me..soooo...I just said "Blah blah blah my darling husband.." or something cheeky and left it at that.
Will always gives me crap about this guy from high school who responds to my status. I LIKE that someone reads my status. It feels like I have a fan. (just kidding) But I haven't seen the guy in 20 years, so sometimes it's a little weird. In fact, Facebook as a whole is weird. I don't spend too long there because I feel like I am stalking people if I read their homepage or whatever. I don't know..is it really my business to know some of the stuff people post? I can barely keep track of my own shit..Should I really be reading about "Wendy from sixth grade's" shit? However, very interesting that Wendy was able to gain full custody of her son with full child support. YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? That isn't my business!!!!
Keegan's third birthday party is tomorrow. He officially turns 3 on Monday but we are having family over tomorrow. I had "grandiose" ideas of a taco bar with a Go! Diego Go! theme. However, when I asked my soon-to-be three year old what HE wanted, he announced, "Tractor plates."
Crud.
So the Hispanic theme flew right out the window, and we are grilling instead. And everyone will receive their very own John Deere napkin.
I am a little worried that Keegan really wants to be a farmer someday, and the thing is, I don't think you can "just become a farmer." I am pretty sure you have to be born into farming like Paris Hilton was born into wealth. I am going to wait until he's a little older to explain Paris Hilton to him, because no one should have to be subjected to that talentless goof ball until they're older.
All in all, I am feeling pretty good this week in pregnancy. I say this because I am 31 weeks along, and I have new cute spring maternity clothes. The hilarious part is that if I was NOT pregnant, I would not be so loving these big roomy clothes. I would be appalled that I couldn't set down my wine glass long enough to lose some weight. But right now, I am enjoying anything with a panel..so be it. (What an awful word in fashion by the way: panel. I am sure Heidi Klum has never worn anything with a panel..Sigh.)
I think Will and I have selective memory right now about our baby girl's arrival. I notice we don't talk much about the "crazy days" celebration once she is actually here. Me: a goof with no hormones to level things out.. Will: a "haven't-slept-in five-days-shadow". I am sure Will is secretly happy that I have to buy his birthday present before she gets here. He knows I can't screw it up too badly if I am still on baby hormones.
Well, Keegan is eating his snack and has just asked me to go and get his "Froot Loop" bird..so I have to run.
He likes to look at the stuffed Toucan his BaBa Mike sent from Panama while he eats his cereal. "Momma, it's the same bird!"
Yep. But don't ask me to call your Grandpa and thank him, he has to call us first. Sigh.

Do Call Me, I Won't Call You

2010-04-16T17:39:00.002-05:00

Oh for God's sake. Will got us new phones and I do not know how the hell to work it. In the past two days, I have managed to call and hang up on at least 10 people. People, mind you, that I haven't talked to in at least three years. Shit. How am I supposed to explain myself to the guy who used to serve me coffee at Starbuck's five years ago in Uptown who ONCE gave me his number because he had some "art" he wanted to show me. If he calls me back, I will be so embarrassed..blech.."Oh yeah Nick! How are you? It's me! Melissa, you know from Starbuck's in Uptown? I was your CUSTOMER five years ago.." shit balls..
The phone is just too much phone for me..It doesn't even have a keypad..HOW DO YOU DIAL A NUMBER FOR GOD'S SAKE??..I don't know, I am at a total loss.. But the stubborn side of me that refuses to believe I might be too OLD for this much technology refuses to give in. I am going to think of it as fate. Maybe I am supposed to reconnect with my old neighbor from 10 years ago, whose number I could never figure out how to erase from my previous three phones..
I have lots more to say, but I really shouldn't blog instead of feeding my son. That seems cruel. Why can't he learn to make his own dinner? He's almost 3! I'll be back..

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T13:56:00.009-05:00

I am so tired lately that all the funny things I think in my head to write down, I forget by the time I get to the computer.
I am 29 weeks (30 next Friday) not that I'm counting that closely or anything, and so I've hit that last trimester where you feel as tired as you did the first trimester only now you're fat as well. As of the other day, I have gained 25 pounds. It feels like 65. I am hopeful that it isn't going to be much more, but I just ate 2/3 of the candy in Keegan's Easter basket, so I am guessing that I will probably keep creeping up there.
The only reason I am mentioning weight is that everyone around me is mentioning weight so I thought I would just keep up. The problem is that everyone is talking about how much weight they are losing and if there's one thing I have learned as a pregnant chick, it's to keep quiet about two things around pregnant chicks: how fun the bar was last night and how much weight one has lost. Those are just two subjects that don't jive with the pregnant world. "Note To Self" duly noted for everyone around me yet to get knocked up. My sister-in-laws will be happy.

Easter was glorious today! We got up early, donned our rabbit ears, and hunted for eggs. Eggs I actually hard boiled and Keegan decorated for the first time!
Keegan found them all with a little help: "Why don't you check over by the tv. No by the- ON the DVD player! On the DVD player!" And we even made it to "churches" as Keegan calls it. I am not sure how he came up with more than one church because we barely attend ONE church right now, but I am happy that he made it through the first 35 minutes, and then he and Will played in the hall for the rest of the service. I am SURE that Will could hear the Easter sermon just fine and felt like it was well worth him going. Taking children to church, at least for me, is extremely difficult. We are not big "nursery" fans, so we bring him with us in the hopes that the sermon will be enlightening to him. I kid..but he only has two weeks until he can join Sunday school for the summer, so we should all be happier at churches then.
My darling daughter pummels me routinely and I am a little worried that she is ADHD. She CANNOT sit still. It is my lot in life to have one of my children be high maintenance, seeing as their mother is, so I figure that it is going to be her.
We had another ultrasound the other day, and I was relieved that all of her parts were working beautifully and she seems to have a very cute nose, so hopefully it's her dad's and not mine.
This pregnancy has been so different than with Keegan but I am 100% busier than I used to be, so it only stands to reason that I haven't been able to just sit and relax as much this time. The nice thing about this is that it is making the time go super fast, and before I know it, I will be sleep deprived and saggy, BUT will be able to enjoy that occasional (oh give me a break) glass of wine on the deck.
Will has been super fantastic about everything and once I explained to him that I am merely "nesting" and not obsessive compulsive, he has been really helpful.
"What kind of bird are you, then?"
"What?"
"You know if you're "nesting," what kind of bird?"
I am sure he wanted to answer for me with "Do-do" but he let it go and went to clean the garage before I did it myself.
Anyway, it has been a great day and Keegan is napping so that means I had better get in there and take my nap too!
Happy Easter!

Where Am I?

2010-02-06T07:47:00.004-06:00

Yesterday I took a "mental health" day from work.
This is what teacher's call the days they take off when there really isn't anything wrong with them except they can't stand another minute with their students. No one ever says this out loud...but it's the truth.
Actually things have been pretty good at work, not that I like to talk about work a lot. But I have found my "happy place" during this pregnancy, and it's staying as out of the loop as possible. The less I know the better.
So I went to the mall to get some new maternity jeans, and I could go by myself because Keegan had daycare and I didn't have to worry about him rearranging all the sock displays.
I do not go to malls anymore. I know why now.
I got lost yesterday 4 times. The guy at the Verizon kiosk was close to calling security, I am sure when I made my fifth lap past him...I tried to make it LOOK like I didn't know what I was doing either, hoping he wouldn't think I was a pregnant woman with Alzheimer's, but that is what I FELT like.
I could NOT find the exit!! It was like the "secret portal had disappeared" or something. Luckily, I saw Ruby Tuesday's and could slip inside for some nourishment during the whole ordeal. I recommend their Dip Trio...you know me, cheese dip and pregnancy!
While dining alone, something I used to do in Uptown ALL the time, but is significantly LESS fun when you aren't drunk..I observed a young mother, her professionally dressed husband and their darling baby girl. Oh cute. A stay at home skinny mom with designer pink boots that cost more than my paycheck having lunch with her equally Armani-clad husband.
It was precious to watch. (No it wasn't I was so jealous of her thighs I wanted to throw my dip at her...but I was too famished after being lost in the mall for an hour so I didn't want to waste any on her!!)
This is what really got to me..at the end of their lunch there were peas from the salad bar all over the floor. Their daughter was about a year. They were still in the honeymoon phase of their parenthood where peas from the salad bar get you a whole 45 minute lunch. Just waiiiittttt....that stops working soon and either you eat McDonald's in the car or you just don't even bother going anywhere.
Anyway, enough about my woes..
Back to fashion Mom...
She bent over in the booth with a napkin and picked up every single pea on the ground! As she tidied, her baby patted her on the back from her highchair. "Good job, Momma, keep it up.. You have years of this," the baby seemed to encourage.
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!! WHY ARE YOU CLEANING THOSE PEES UP??! I wanted to scream.
Then I got paranoid. What a minute.
Maybe that's what you're supposed to do. My God, for three years, Will and I have left a torrent of food and napkins and crayons strewn around our seating area. There has probaby been enough food left on the ground and half-used crayons to feed and educate an entire third world country. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This thought lasted for all of 3 1/2 seconds because then I came back down to my earth.
Wait a minute..
NO ONE picks up that much food off the ground at the end of lunch. NO ONE in my world. This was a case of "Momma doesn't have a whole lot else going on" syndrome.
I should have known by the pink designer boots.
Come teach middle school for a day, and you'll never pick up another damn pea as long as you live.
On another note, we are traveling today and Keegan is staying home. It took me exactly five minutes to pack. I keep thinking I am forgetting something and then I realize that "something" is our son, and I am not forgetting anything, because obviously he has grandparents to take care of him, and it's not like we're leaving him on his own for the weekend..you know because we trust him to be responsible.
In any case, my "list to take" was 1/3 as long, and I realize again why I don't pick up peas off the ground and I do NOT feel guilty.
That's not true. I feel guilty that I coveted those boots.

Weird and Wonderful

2010-01-29T17:45:00.006-06:00

Oh for Lord's sake. I just changed Keegan's diaper and poop was black.
What the-?
"Did you eat dirt?"
"Momma I don't eat dirt."
Of course you don't. Just tea bags. And there is not dirt right now, it's winter..
No answers yet.
Call to daycare lady.
End up talking to daycare lady's husband who claims his dogs have the same kinds of problems sometimes.
No help and TMI about the dogs.
Call to Will:
"I am busy practicing Zach's best man speech."
"You're practicing a speech you're giving in JUNE? Where are you?"
"In my car. I'm driving..Just talking out loud."
What the-? No time to really process this.
"Keegan's poop is black."
"Mom I don't eat poop."
Thank you Keegan. You are still no help. And you didn't hear me correctly anyway.
Will states: "Oh that's just blue-"
Jusssst as I am googling "black poop."
We both finish together: "Blueberries."
"Yeah, blueberries turn your poop black, like asparagus makes your pee smell."
Thank you Will.
Actually I think it's coffee that makes your pee smell and asparagus turns your pee green...
But I digress...
So I have just learned something new and really weird..and now I just kind of want to get some more blueberries and see if it's the same for adults, but never mind.

I am 20 weeks pregnant and guessss what???!!
IT'S A GIRL!!
Yep..and I am already panicking about how we are going to pay for her wedding..
Will MADE me wait to find out the results of our ultrasound until we went to dinner over the weekend. Actually I am really really glad that he did, and I have decided that he is right 97% of the time now. His percentage has gone up considerably.
We sat at the bar, Will sipping his drink, me sipping my non-alcoholic skunk beer..mmm mmm good, and we opened up the envelope the ultrasound lady had given us.
It was a really cool moment for us.
This pregnancy has been so different. Work and raising a child kind of take a front seat right now, and so I am really really thankful to have that memory for this baby.
She deserves it.
I am so excited to have a daughter I cannot believe it, and these next 4 months or so cannot go fast enough.
And not just because I want a glass of wine so badly...

Tonight we are making frozen pizza for dinner, and I am typing this wearing four layers of sweaters. We need to clean our oven so badly that we have to open the window when we use the oven or the smoke alarm will go off...I do NOT want any judgment here. I don't KNOW when to clean it..I can't be around the fumes and if I leave the house while it's cleaning, I am scared to death the house will burn down. THAT is a fear my mother put into me years ago.
I wonder what kinds of fears I will instill in my daughter?
OH! I know! I know..My darling daughter..if you eat blueberries................

Saturday Ramblings

2009-12-19T13:47:00.010-06:00

I forgot to post pictures of the Williams family cutting down the Christmas tree of 2009...and Keegan putting one ornament on the tree before he exclaimed: "I want to watch Cars!" So much for the family tree trimming.
Remind me sometime to devote a whole blog to why I think Pixar movies are like meth...

I cannot get Keegan to wear any other hat than the one that looks like a dragon, so I swear every winter picture we have looks exactly the same.
I have "accidentally on purpose" tried to forget that hat.."Momma! Mine hat! I need mine hat!"
Dammit.
Of course, I got the responsible toddler..figures.

The night we cut our Christmas tree down was the first in our Christmas family traditions. I realize that most of you have had family traditions for eons, but keep in mind, we are a little behind the Jones'...when I think of EVERYTHING Will and I have done since we met four years ago, well, it's what most people do in 10 years. Someone pressed the fast forward button when it came to us, but at least we can't say we're bored!
We are celebrating Christmas at our house this year, and I am so excited for Keegan to wake up and run out to see what Santa brought him, that I probably won't sleep the night before. Let's be honest, I don't sleep well anyway right now, so it's no big loss.

There is something about Christmas with children that makes everything better. I just love it. He gets so excited and it just makes me laugh! "Momma it Christmastime!" Oh..it is just the best!

Probably the biggest relief lately is that our daycare lady decided that she wanted to keep Keegan and the baby.
"Who wouldn't want him; he's friggin' awesome and not just because he's my son." Actually it probably is because he is your son, Will, because today at the store, the salesclerk didn't think it was so "friggin' awesome" when he threw all the loofas on the floor shouting at the top of his lungs: "Momma! I want one of these! Look at these!"
A 2 1/2 year old boy does not need a loofah for the bath, does he? Does ANY man?

I am definitely starting to feel a whole heap better than I was.
The first tri-mester really threw me for a loop. It was like having pre-partum syndrome..ugh. I have actually felt a little more like my old self. Well, my old self minus the glass of wine in my hand.
It helps a lot because my friend, Moriah and I are due about the same time, and we can commiserate at work:
Do you miss wine?
Yeah, I miss wine.
Me too.
Hmmm...now what should we talk about?
It just really really helps to know I am not the only one with gas, cravings, no energy to work out, etc. Wait. We haven't talked about that...It's all me..dammit.
Of course Moriah is about 6 feet tall and built like a model so no one had better compare us...you know, the old "Oh you two are a week apart? How cute!" While secretly they are thinking: Melissa looks like an oompa loompa already..Hmmm..Moriah is definitely carrying her baby weight better. Ugh.

I bought some Moose Munch today. It is on the counter. It is shouting at me: "Go ahead! Eat me! You know you want to pregnant lady!"
Shut up Moose Munch.

Well, everyone in the house is asleep except me. Of course, the cats are always asleep so it doesn't really count..so maybe I wil try to get a quick snooze in.
It's either that or keep talking to the Moose Munch..you know, if I ATE all the Munch, it wouldn't be able to sayyyy anything to me anymore.........

Wax and Wane

2009-12-13T16:51:00.005-06:00

There is nothing worse than pushing a Target cart through a snowy parking lot.
I don't know why I hate it so much, but I just had to get it out.

This has been the weekend of what in THEE hell?!
My mother rarely swears but when she does it's always: Well, what in THEE hell?!
Stress on the "thee".
I am going to complain for the next five minutes. Look, it's cheaper than therapy and I don't have a lot of sick days to burn right now. So, you don't have to keep reading. It's a free country.
1. Keegan has been sick and when he is sick, he likes to make EVERYONE around him miserable. THIS is a man trait and I had hoped we had some time before those traits kicked in..NOPE. It is the worst to feel achy and "coldy" and I KNOW we can only give him Tylenol, but couldn't someone out there invent a safe cold medicine for kids? Why can't Ny-Quil come up with a kiddy version? Isn't this 2009?
2. We finally got his haircut today and it looks like a blind drunk derelict Edward Scissorhands got a hold of his head.
I kid you not. When I saw my own precious son after his 20.00 "designer kids" haircut I almost crapped.
"Aren't kids supposed to have bad hair cuts?"
This from my ever-positive mate.
Bad, yes. HACKED? No.
I blame this partly on Keegan because he WILL NOT sit still for a haircut..he HATES them..he cries and throws his head and generally has a miserable time, but isn't there a VICE or something they could use to hold his head in place?? (Oh you know I am kidding) But they are supposed to be experts in kid's haircuts! Is my son the ONLY child who pitches a fit? Aren't they trained to snip on the sly?
Apparently not, and now when he has his picture taken with Santa next week, I am going to have him wear his stocking cap.
I PRAY he grows out of this stage before middle school, because I cannot stand when boys have that "hair in the eyes so I look like I don't give a crud what you're teaching me because I can't see you anyway" look. I can't possible have one of those sons, can I?
3. Here's the grand daddy of them all: I had a bikini wax today and I am THINKING that my skin may be more sensitive due to pregnancy. I should have checked first- I KNOW I KNOW.. For the love of all that is holy and just, it was like having straight pins stuck in my eyeballs...but instead of my eyeballs..well, you can figure it out. Look, after that, give me childbirth with no Epidural because it could NOT possible hurt any more.
I thought it would be NICE not to have to worry about shaving anymore..I felt kind of grown up and you know, Sex and the City-ish going in there..And believe me, that is not easy right now when I am literally getting fatter by the minute. Instead, I will not be able to put my legs together for weeks. I am tip-toeing around the house like I just rode a galloping horse for three days. Lovely.

On a positive note, Christmas break is almost here and almost all of our shopping is done. On another EXTREMELY bright note, we got all of our first tri-mester screenings back and all of our numbers are GREAT! My risk of having a baby with the birth defects tested is the same as a 20 year old pregnant girl now. (I'll bet she knows better than to wax-I am such an idiot!) Anyway, that was a huge relief to us because as you know, once you hit that magic "35 and older" EVERYTHING is not in your favor, percentage-wise. Older eggs or something, I don't know. I would think they'd be smarter eggs if you ask me, but then I am the one who got the bikini wax, so never mind. In any case, it's one less worry. It just gives me more time to concentrate on the fact that my son looks like a badly shorn sheep. Oh well, hair grows back. Wait, uh, that isn't helping right now.

I KNEW IT!!

2009-12-08T15:48:00.004-06:00

I tried to download our newest ultrasound pictures, but they won't go. Instead, here is Will announcing to his office that I AM PREGNANT.
Today we had our first trimester screening, which just made me totally anxious until we heard the good news that all the numbers are low..still waiting for blood tests, but the ultrasound lady (that is not her official name) said everything looked good.
Our ultrasound lady gave her educated guess on the sex (let's hope she was educated well..she came from Argosy so who knows? Ahahahaha) and she said:
Girl!
She (not the ultra sound lady, the baby) even waved to us in one of the pictures. I am pretty sure that this baby is going to be very social and quite smart since she already knows enough to acknowledge her parents. Good thinking. Suck up right away.
Her mother also feels smart because I KNEW she was a girl the minute I felt like puking my guts out 5 weeks ago.."This is not a boy. I did not feel this way with Keegan." Add to that: the zits, the EXTREME moodiness, cravings for SUGAR and just general lack of energy, yup..this is a WHOLE different baby.
No I will not run out and start buying girl's clothes UNTIL we have the official word in January buuttttt..I might just look a little, you know browse around a bit. Get an idea.

You know I am thankful every day to be married to Will and I know I sound like a broken record, but really there is no one like him on earth. Sometimes it is like being married to a younger version of Robin Williams..well, minus the cocaine.
Take Today:
Genetic Counselor: So how are you feeling off of meds.
Me: Oh well, you know, it's okay not great, but I am toughing it out.
GC: And you have cats?
How did we go from my meds to our cats, but oh well.
Me: Yes.
GC: And Will is cleaning the cat box?
YES! YES! YES!
Will: Yes, I, uh, am on meds for that.
Nice. Really? Did you just say that out loud?
GC: Ahaha. (Polite laugh, but not really sure if he is serious)
So then we waited for like 40 minutes in this room with nothing but a book of baby names in front of us.
I mean maybe people come for their first trimester screenings and feel like picking out the baby's name right there in the waiting room..I don't know..it would explain some of the weird names going around, I guess.
Will: How about Chapman. We could call him Chap for short.
(Chap for SHORT??!! Can you IMAGINE??)
Me: NO. It reminds me of Gary Chapman, Amy Grant's ex-husband.
Will: What the-??
Will: How about Aubrey.
Me: No, that is Sarah's daughter's name and we are not naming our baby the same thing as my friend's baby.
Will: But I like-
Me: NO.
Will: How about Kareem?
Me: Oh good God!
Kareem Williams?? Just put a basketball in his hand...I mean COME ON.
And so we did not find any names we BOTH liked in the waiting room of the Maternal Fetal Medicine office.
I will say that ONE nice thing about being 37 and pregnant are all these "extra" ultrasounds. I am getting used to seeing the baby. I am going to recognize her immediately when she comes out. And of course she will probably be waving. You know, she's half-Wisconsinite..They wave at EVERYONE.

Here I Go Again..

2009-11-12T19:24:00.004-06:00

Sooo...where to start? WHERE to Start..
Let's see..
1. I am 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant..and if I could hibernate like a bear, I would. In the spring, I would crawl out of my tree hole with a new fluffy cub and that would be that. Seriously, I could sleep the next 7 1/2 months away with no problem.
I do not remember being this tired with Keegan. Does this mean I'm having twins?
You would think so from the size of my boobs..Sheesh..
In any case, we are very happy about it..Keegan will be a good big brother..and I only miss wine every 20 minutes rather than every other minute like last time.
2. Our first ultrasound two days ago showed the baby's heart beating and estimated my pregnancy at 8 weeks 2 days. Uhhhh...wait a minute. Suddenly I am going backwards. I have decided not to believe in the miracle of modern medicine at THIS time and stand by my firm conviction that I have been pregnant 9 weeks. Look, I was the one buying and taking pregnancy tests like some kind of addict. I should know when I first saw the plus sign..except that I couldn't tell if it was a plus sign so Will had to go and buy the PREGNANT/NOT PREGNANT test, just so we could make sure.
3. Dr. Doolittle is at it again. I LOVE him..he reminds me of my brother if my brother had decided to be an OB..kind of absent-minded, low-key, playing jazz and smoking a joint. I know it isn't good to think about the doctor in charge of your health and your baby's health smoking a joint, but I think it gives him that calm, cool, bedside manner. I don't even mind that he gave Will a fist bump at our first appointment on our very quick conception. "Congrats Man" (fist bump fist bump).
Yes, let Will and Ol' Doc Doolittle think it's all about the swimmers.. really I don't care. I am just glad to have him back again and hopefully he won't walk by our appointment room too many times before he realizes we're his next patients. (Sigh)
4. We are shopping for new daycare. I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT. But our present daycare, who I loved OF COURSE has decided she no longer wants infants because the last one cried so much. This is a little bit like me saying I no longer want middle school girls in my classroom because they are catty, bratty and attitudinal ( I just made that word up). But I think you get my analogy. How does one work with children and then decided to eliminate a whole ENTIRE age population just because they cry??? Isn't that what babies DO????
Will is interviewing this time. I refuse. I will find something wrong with every single one of them even if it's just that I don't like their carpeting.
Sooo...I kind of feel like we are back in the saddle again and even though I don't have as much time to write this time because I am busy with my 2 1/2 year old who likes to say things like: "I do it by mineself!" making him sound like a small Hitler, I think I should find some time pre or post naps to at least have some of this baby's journey blogged.
Here we go again..Yahoo!!!

Happy Anniversary Herpes!

2009-09-29T19:05:00.004-05:00

Today is our 2 year wedding anniversary and it is only fitting that I have a cold sore the size of Kentucky and my hemorrhoids are flaring up.
I blame the cold sore on the state of education in Anoka-Hennepin and the hemorrhoids on my two and a half year old because I never had them until I was pregnant.
I came home at 3:30 and was so happy to see my darling husband fertilizing the lawn which meant he took a half day off to spend with ME his lovely bride..and immediately when he saw my bottom lip oozing half-way down my chin, I knew he just wanted to go back to work. Who could blame him?
Furthermore, at dinner, my precious son piped up: "Momma! What's on your face?!"
"Keegan I have an owie"
"Get it off"
Thank you Keegan. I would LOVE to get my herpes simplex 8 off my face but I kissed Scott Swenson in college and I am doomed for all eternity. Thanks for the hemorrhoids by the way.
Once Keegan goes to bed we are going to have our "anniversary" dinner and toast with some champagne. THIS I am excited for as it may not be too many more months that I will be drinking champagne. WELL not FOREVER good GOD! This is ME we're talking about..but I think we are in the baby making business..except I feel weird saying that, as if we're opening some kind of illegal sweat shop that's going to make clothes for Kathie Lee.. and I DON'T like pressure, I like "unplannedness..." so I would rather just let "nature take it's course".
I bought a book on fertility because there are no books out there on "How to Get Pregnant When You Really Just Want To Get Pregnant But Don't Want to Make a Big Deal About It"
I should not have bought the fertility book..ugh..it is no wonder that people who are not getting pregnant are so worried..books like that make you even MORE WORRIED..I wasn't even worried and I WAS WORRIED..oh shit..my hairspray, my water, my husband, my air, my WINE..forget it..Look, I will get back to you in six months and if nothing is happening then we can worry together..
In the meantime let's just concentrate on getting rid of the cold sore.."Momma..owie on your chin.."
"Yes, I know, it's oozing a bit..
Does he HAVE to be so damned observant??! I know it's GROSS!

Stop It

2009-07-08T19:09:00.007-05:00

So I spilled wine all over the new laptop and my catlike reflexes caught it just in time to turn the laptop over and shake it out and then google: I JUST SPILLED F*ing WINE ALL OVER THE LAPTOP NOW WHAT DO I DO???????????
Apparently you are supposed to let the laptop dry out upside down overnight and then see if it turns on.

I am happy to report IT DOES turn on, smelling faintly of Sauvignon Blanc..with a small liquid stain in the lower right hand corner...dammit
I thought about not telling Will but when he goes to check ESPN and the computer smells like my breath..he is going to know anyone so I just came clean right away.

Keegan is in a phase that I like to call: "Stop it"
I am in a phase that I would like to STOP so really my son and are in perfect harmony as usual.
If Keegan does not like something: washing his hands, getting his diaper changed (WHY WOULD SOMEONE NOT LIKE THIS??) getting ready for bed, you get the gyst, right? He says "Stop it Mama."
At first I thought it was kind of funny and cute. Keegan you naughty little thing..so clever..let's go wash your hands.
After the 545th STOP IT MAMA..I do not think it's cute, I think it's a pain in the ass, and I realize that I have hit my first discipline curveball and I am being tested. There are two ways this can go. He can grow up being a pill who gets everything he wants and tries to question me during work time (oh wait that's my seventh graders) orrrrr I can nip it in the bud now and save all of us a big trip to the principal's office someday.
I choose Door #2.

In the meantime, I am turning 37 and I don't know why this is bugging the hell out of me..but it is.. It is just another birthday, but I am questioning myself: what I'm doing, am I doing enough? What should I be doing? Blah blah blah..and I need to STOP IT because that kind of crud is a real downer.

Okay back to "Stop it Mama."
So I came up with the "CALM DOWN CHAIR".
When Keegan needs a breather..or feels the need to tell me to stop it..(really I don't need that much help, thanks) we take a trip to the calm down chair.
"Stop it Mama"
"Keegan we don't say stop it to Mama (Kind of a lie, I say it to myself constantly thanks). It hurts Mama's feelings. Now it's time to brush your hair, teeth, hands, feet, blah blah blah..."
"STOP IT MAMA"
"Keegan, Mama can't help it that she isn't dealing well with turning 37. Maybe she should go back to school. Maybe she is feeling guilty about not having babies right now, although you seem to be enough to handle thanks. Maybe she doesn't like all those wrinkles. Maybe she is comparing herself too much to other people. Maybe she wonders if she's a good enough Mama and wife..and and and and.. Maybe Mama is just a bit sensitive right now."
Oh you know I didn't say that out LOUD. It's for dramatic effect!!!!!

So we both need the calm down chair.

I am happy to report, though, that while watching The Jungle Book the other day Mowgli yelled: STOP THAT! at the elephant.
Keegan turned to me and said, "Mama he needs the calm down chair."
Ahhh...maybe I am doing better than I think I am.

Tea for Two

2009-06-26T13:20:00.006-05:00

So I know that all of you mothers are perfect and I am not.
And that I have the only child that has ever put anything weird in his mouth: cat food, price tags, his shoes WITH mud on them..so much better tasting..paint brushes..NO NOT with paint on them..we were playing outside with water and buckets thanks very much..I am NOT that stupid..but today tops it and I don't need YOU judging me anymore than you already do..
"Mama, your tea."
"Yes, honey, that's right that's mama's tea bags!"
I am very proud that my son is speaking in sentences and he is only two. I know lots of two year olds who only grunt. I am full of glowing pride that my son is so smart..
"You are such a smart boy!"
"Mama! Michael Jackson!"
Holy shit!
He is a genius! He KNOWS that's Michael Jackson is on TV! Did Will teach him this last night while I was outside mourning the loss of the King of Pop..drinking vast quantities of wine with Ernesto? (Yes, we've reconciled..nothing like the death of a major celebrity to bring neighbors together..moles be damned.)
I am thinking of calling Mensa..
"Mama-Look Mama! Look!"
What the Fu-??!!
Keegan is sucking on an Earl Gray tea bag.
I shit you not.
Yep..just sucking away..teeth sunk in...just sucking it ALLLLL out..
Lazy Susan is WIIIIDDDDE open...tea bag box is on the floor...there are at least three soggy teeth-punctured tea bags in there...
He was polite enough to put them back after he sucked the flavor out..Again, I have to say he is brilliant. I mean really, so polite and tidy.
But where was I when this was happening??????
Facebooking? On-line banking?
Dammit all..
What kind of a horrible mother am I to let my two year old SUCK ON TEA BAGS???
WHAT IS THIS GOING TO DO TO HIM??
I immediately yank the tea bag out of his mouth, grab him by the shoulders, look him square in the eye checking for pupil dialation..NONE.
I am thinking that maybe he didn't get as much flavor out as I had originally thought.
And then it comes to me..WHERE did he learn this?
I don't SUCK the tea bags..unless...
SYLVESTER.
He watched the cat on cat nip.
That must be it.
Bastard Cat.
I am afraid to call Will with this news. He is already down on my summer vacation as he believes I make unwise decisions when I have time off. Case in point: I broke down and bought that Key Lime Pie at Costco that serves 30 and it is taking up our whole refrigerator right now. Keegan has been eating Key Lime Pie for dinner. He is in heaven. (I am kidding, stop judging me.)
But what is Will going to say when he finds out our son has been SUCKING TEA BAGS???
God.
"Um...our son is sucking tea bags."
"WHAT?????!!!!!"
"Look, I started drinking tea pretty early in my life..you know being born in England and I turned out just fine."
LOOOONNNNNNGGGGG Pause.
"That's not funny Will."
In any case, Keegan is napping now so I don't think it affected him too much. We went to the mall and he was very anxious to push the stroller rather than ride and other than a few "Oh bloody hell, mother's" and "Crikey!'s" He seemed to be pretty much himself the whole morning.
Really.
I blame it all on the cat.
Bloody rubbish the whole thing.

A Little Time On My Hands

2009-06-18T08:34:00.003-05:00

"I can't BELIEVE how fast my week off has gone! It's almost over!"
"GOOD!"
"Wha-? Will? Why are you being mean?"
"I'll come home tonight and you'll have bought a guinea pig."

Look, I don't see what's so bad about having some time off and going shopping to soothe the soul.
I had a pretty rough year: try teaching 7th graders during the day, who act like toddlers, and then come home to your own toddler. There isn't a lot of change up. But, I am a believer in LETTING THINGS GO.
Be quiet Will.
And so as I ease into summer before I begin teaching summer school I have found solace and peace in shopping.
Everyday.
Keegan now has four outfits to choose from for his Aunt's wedding in July. All types of weather have been noted. Khaki shorts, khaki pants, mid-sleeve shirt, short sleeve shirt, oh you get the picture and it probably all has to go back...

Keegan has a 4th of July outfit, which was such a good deal at Target I couldn't pass it up, even though it looks like an American flag and I am not sure that Will will let him wear it. Because he will look like a little pea that someone wrapped in an American flag and we just aren't THAT patriotic.

Each cat now has his own bed for the basement and the beds came with a free supply of catnip..I had to throw the catnip out because Sylvester found the stash dragged it across the floor and snorted it until he was as high as Al Pacino in Scar Face..and now I have to take him down to Hazelden to dry out for a month..this is extremely invconvenient and expensive..

I bought a little decorative flag for the yard that Will hates and says it looks like a quarantine flag posted outside, so I took it down reluctantly this morning..but am pretty sure I will put it up again this afternoon before he gets home. I happen to think it's pretty..but this could be the "too much time on my hands" talking...

I have been to Costco and purchased 45 cookies of varying flavors, 1000 Cascade tabs, another summer outfit for Keegan that looks like something he would wear on a safari IF we choose to do that..you know, WE MIGHT SOMEDAY.. and ALMOST got a Key Lime Pie that looked DELICIOUS but realized I am the only who likes Key Lime Pie and since I am trying to be skinny for above sister-in-law's wedding, I put it back. The pie could feed the neighborhood and I am still mad at Ernesto for the moles and the loud music so I wouldn't share.
I will just nibble on the cookies.

I have managed to only go through TWO bottles of wine and it's Thursday so AT LEAST I have not become a raging alcoholic in my week off...However, I wonder if Will is wishing that I would have just stayed home and drank myself into a stupor..

You know, as I have been sitting here typing I am starting to think that maybe Keegan does need a pet of his own, so I will probably just nip on over to the Pet Store and see if I can't just pick out a nice gerbil or something before I get him from daycare this afternoon..

Oh I am kidding!
But with one cat away at treatment, the house is going to be kind of lonely.
It's probably good I have a job.

Whyyyyy Me?

2009-05-26T20:31:00.003-05:00

We are having a bit of a problem with whining at our house and NO it is not me this time.
Keegan is going through a spell where a lot of what he asks for comes out: "Mooooooorrreeeee strawwwwwbbeeeeerrreeeeeeees"
or whatever.
When there is absolutely no reason to be in such a pickle over some damn strawberries that he is absolutely going to get anyway.
We do not withhold anything from our child except liquor and staying up past 8:00. The first one is because I don't share and the second one is because I need my sleep too, dammit.
So I have been working hard with him.
"Keegan we need to use our nice voice. Momma doesn't like that icky voice. Please use your nice voice to ask for something."
And then it occurred to me that he probably had no idea WHAT I meant by his nice voice.
Or for that matter what an icky voice was and I was probably going about the whole thing wrong.
My girlfriend Sandra said that in her house they model the "icky" voice and then say, "In the Dunigan house we ask for things nicely."
Oh brilliant I can do that.
I can model the icky (be quiet Will) and then go on to display a good example.

TAKE TWO

Scene:
Long day. Seventh graders have decided the year is over. Why are there so many of them. It's like whack-a-mole for seven hours with a Fisher Price mallet. Where is the BIG hammer that I need?
It's dinner time. I am pooped.

Keegan: Mooooooorrrrreeeeeeeeee Miiiiilllllllkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
Me: Keegan we don't say mooooorreeeeeeee millllllkkkkkkkkkk.
(Extremely pleased and silly look from my son. Wow, he is thinking. Do I really sound that whiny? I am good!)
Me: In the Dunigan house we say..
Dammit!! Dammit!! Dammit!! Dammit! Dammit!
TRY AGAIN..
But it's too late.
Keegan: Mooooreeeeee millllllkkkkkkkkk......Dunnnnnigggggannnnnnn houuuuuussssssseeeeee......
Shit.
Back to the drawing board and now he thinks his last name isn't Williams.
Fabulous.

An Epic Morning

2009-05-21T07:24:00.005-05:00

It looks like Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds on our deck right now..well, except they're not sea gulls..because we're out of bird food, and all our birds are protesting.
Apparently we are the only people in the neighborhood who feed the birds, because we're going through a bag a day, I swear..
I don't know if in this economy we can afford to feed all the wildlife too. But I feel so guilty because the cute little brown ones actually STARE in the kitchen window at me while I am making my morning tea.
"Go ahead make your tea. You enjoy that tea. I don't have any food today and my babies is hongry"
Oh that is horrible. They don't sound like that..they do NOT sound like Mammy from Gone with the Wind.
ANYWAY..I am avoiding going to a meeting so I am blogging about birds..a much more productive use of my time..and less stressful. In these final weeks, I have decided to avoid as much stress at work as possible. So if I have two meetings this morning, I will avoid one, thus cutting down on some of the angst. Good thinking. I also will avoid listening to ONE person talk the entire meeting which really just turns it into a meeting about herself. I think she could meet with a mirror and be just as happy.
Hmm...Note to self..
So I will just finish this next cup of tea..try not to look at the hungry birds who are now pecking at the window..Oh I kid..and be off..

Just Another Day..

2009-05-20T18:44:00.005-05:00

So it's 90 degrees and our air conditioning is broken. We realized this on the first day that we needed it. Of course.
The wind has been whipping through our backyard today at 45 miles an hour; it broke our new patio umbrella IN HALF, and the screen door came out of it's thingamajingy and is lying in our bedroom right now so Will can I don't know re-roll it after Keegan goes to bed..We looked like the biggest white trash house in the neighborhood with the blowing screen..UGH.
We are all sleeping in the basement tonight because it's cooler down there.,and Will just got back from borrowing the pack and play from our daycare lady because otherwise Keegan would probably have to sleep on the cat bed and I don't know if the cats would share.
I haven't been to work in two days because I have some weird virus that ISN'T H1N1 but has made me feel like shit for two weeks and made me extremely ornery to the 7th graders and only today did I get some drugs for it (brilliant) but already in three hours I feel better, so I don't care if it is the placebo effect. I realized in those two days that when I am away from school I feel infinitely better so that means I am very sick of this year, and yes, I am complaining and yes, I have a right to.
And yes, I pray about it every night, and yes, I think God thinks I need a break too.

Other than that I think that if I want to switch careers, President Obama can hire me to negotiate with foreign countries because it cannot be that different than negotiating with a two year old who does not speak in whole sentences yet.

"Well, I know that you are upset, but we are going to go in and eat dinner now, so this is your last whee (slide) so Mommy is just going to grabbbbbbbb yourrrrr hannnnddddd and now your whole boddyyyyy and whisk you into the houusssseeee..whhooooo...heerrrreee wee goooo.." In an attempt to not look like the horrible mother in the neighborhood whose child screams every day at 5:15 because he won't come inside willingly.

Of course I realize that was not negotiation, but come on, do we always negotiate in this country?
Anyway, I will close because my husband is home and I think the heat is making him all touchy feely..he has walked by and made the humping motion (underbite, arms pumping) like three times now..AND he is folding laundry..It's my lucky night..

Spring Break 2009

2009-03-06T14:11:00.007-06:00

So it's Spring Break this week................remember the old days: bikinis, sun...lots of booze...this year I've been hanging out with Keegan..and really it's nice but if we don't get out of the house every day and do something we both go a little nutty.
Today he asked hopefully, "La La's?"
"Uh, no..no La La's"
That's the name for his daycare lady..
so I know that my company must be starting to wear thin.

Monday we went to Target. Twice.
Tuesday we went to the Zoo. Or the "Zow" as Keegan likes to call it. I think that's Wow and Zoo together.
Wednesday we went ..no wait I think the Zow was Wednesday and Target was Tuesday..what the hell did we do Monday then?
Oh, never mind. Maybe that was the day I started drinking earlier than the 5:00 news.
Oh I am just kidding! Pipe down judgmental "you don't have a toddler" people out there!
Anyway, yesterday was the bookstore where that chicken runs around and poops freely, but now Keegan is old enough to appreciate all of the OTHER animals such as the ferrets and the three cats, especially the one missing his tail, I do wonder how that happened..hmmm..
AND he LOVED walking down the street in Linden Hills and staring at the man fixing a street lamp on a ladder... ohhhh he could have loitered for hours on that street corner..that was wayy better than the tail-less cat..
And today was the gymnastics place where he got to run around like a crazed maniac and climb and jump and give me a heart attack because I had no idea that he could climb and jump so well..
He seemed to have NO FEAR...
It was GREAT..he is not a sissy and I am and let's just keep it that way..

This mother on Spring Break did not lay on a beach in a bikini with a drink in her hand. She chased her toddler around the Zow and the book store and climbed onto the trampoline because her child was breaking the rule: "Only one child at a time is allowed on the trampoline" because SOMEONE didn't read the sign...Well, I got excited!
"Stop bouncing honey you are going to bounce that little boy right off.. Let his Momma get him"
Oh God it's always something with us....

This spring break has not really been a break..let's be honest, but it has been time with Keegan and that is something that I have treasured every single second of..well..except for when he had a meltdown on the street after he dropped his banana in the dirty snow..those few minutes I could have lived without...let's just be honest...
BUT in all seriousness we have had a good BREAK together even if he is ready for a BREAK from me now...we love each other a lot and we are best pals..and that's my spring break story of 2009.
Thanks for the inspiration Rachel! :)

The Curse Card

2009-02-05T16:53:00.003-06:00

I do not write a lot about what I do for a living.

I don't really want to. I mean, I TALK BREATHE THINK LIVE middle school 180 days a year (plus six weeks of summer school) so really it just isn't always something that I want to WRITE about..it's not my muse usually. Will and Keegan give me plenty of material. School is my happy hour conversation.

But today..shit.

I think teachers should get a curse card. And the curse card should be a pass..a pass to curse..because today..I should have had the right the absolute right: DO NOT READ THIS IF CURSING AT KIDS OFFENDS YOU .

"So I want everyone to start bringing their novels because during I LOVE TO READ MONTH" the whole school is reading the same book! And tomorrow we're going to talk about the first 29 pages. It's really a gift that we can do this!" All enthusiasm..pure love of the game.

"I can't read 29 pages by tomorrow I can't even read 9."

"Well Ryan, (every 7th grade boy in America is named Ryan-I kid you not, so I am safe) I don't know what to say. You're in 7th grade. I mean, you know by now, you should be able to read that much in a couple of days. I mean that's not that much. I really want you to work on the words I can't." God I am trying. I am trying.

"What if I don't want to read it?"

"Um, well, Larry (not his real name..no one names their kid Larry anymore so I am safe again) We are all reading it. It's not really an option. I mean the whole thing is called one book-one community and we are all part of this community."

"Is your Grandpa reading it?"

FUCK!!

"My grandpa is dead. But if he were alive and working here. He would be reading the book."

You little f*ing a**hole.

Yep..here comes the curse card...it should be BRIGHT GOLD.
MY GRANDPA??? MY 89 YEAR OLD GRANDPA that died in 2003?? YUP...
Now that I think about it though..maybe he thought I looked young enough that my Grandpa was still alive..hmmmm..
But STILL..little f*cker..

"Mrs. S. (a lot of Mrs. S's in this world) isn't reading it."

"Oh..okay. Well you know I am sure she is. We are all reading it. All the teachers. I mean even the cooks!"

I am amazed at myself at this point. I am having an out of body experience. It is 10:30 in the morning and I have gone to join my grandpa and we are having coffee..the rest of me is still having this conversation with the 7th graders about the fact that their special ed. teacher has decided not to read the book that the entire rest of the school is reading. Of course she isn't reading it. She's in special ed. OHHHHHH..I am pulling punches now.

"Nope she's not. She said so."

"Well, you know...Oh, here she is now. Ready to join our class. Let's ask her. Ms. S. are you reading Black Duck?"

"I haven't started it."

FUCKITYFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!! YOU HAVEN'T STARTED IT!!!
HOW ABOUT: I can't wait! It sounds so interesting class! Oh my gosh! Kids! What a book!
How about you lie! What the shit are you DOING???????????????????????????????????????????

"Um, you know, I think I am just going to take a little break."

And that is exactly what I did.
For 40 minutes.
I left them there to not read the book.
They had no idea I was bawling hysterically in Greta's room.
But I am sure that's just hormones. Really.

But the funny thing is...when I came back.
THEY WERE ALL READING THE BOOK.
What an impact I must be having on my class.
Hahahahaha.